तदेव लग्नं

तदेव लग्नं सुदिनं तदेव , ताराबलं चन्द्रबलं तदेव, विद्याबलं दैवबलं तदेव, लक्ष्मिपते तेङ्ग्रियुगं स्मरामि 


This is the shloka that is spoken at almost each religious custom. What it means [crudely] is:
'It is the sacred moment, it is a good day, it has all the power of the moon and the stars [astrological], it has all the power of knowledge and fate when i think of your feet, oh lord Vishnu'


So by saying this we proclaim that we are investing all the power of stars, the moon, knowledge and fate at the sacred moment. And whatever we will start at this moment will have the power with it. This is said in a wedding, in a 'munj' and in a 'vastushant' and every such ceremony.


I became fascinated with this shloka during my cousin's wedding. The reason i became fascinated with it because i liked the tone of finality associated with it. It strongly asserts that as of this moment, every material power is with us, and the only thing required now is for us to use our will power and make right whatever we are embarking upon. 


In a wedding, it asserts to the bride and the groom that 'now that you have all of the power invested in you, it is up to you two and only you two to make the wedding succesful'.
In a munj it tells the munja that 'now that you have all of the power invested in you, it is up to you and only you to make sure that you successfully complete your education in your 'brahmacharyashram' and be ready to enter 'gruhasthashram''.


So i guess what it says is that it is up to us to make our journey successful assuming that every material power is with us. It also tells us a strange thing - that we dont need a sacred moment to embark upon something - we make this moment sacred by chanting this shloka. The reason this is strange is because we always find the exact sacred moment - muhurta - for a wedding / munj etc.


This is brings me back to my new years post of 2007 - that why we need a special day. It is a motivation thing - i think finding an appropriate 'muhurta' is for making the moment special - for motivating us to start whatever we want to start. This shloka makes the muhurta redundant by proclaiming that we make whatever moment we want into a muhurta. And that is why this one fascinates me.


This tells me that we shouldn't rely on stellar support - shouldn't rely on fate to do anything. We must assume that while travelling on the road ahead, we have full support of these things - stars and moon, knowledge and fate - and that the rest in only in our hands. And if anything goes wrong - we must bear the responsibility of it - because its only because our own doing and not the fault of stars.


I have always said this while giving advice to people and tried to follow it myself - in a  situation, all we can worry about are the things that are in our control - the rest, which is beyond our control,  we should not worry about because there is not a thing we can do about it. This shloka tell me exactly that.


I have been pondering over this for a while - the powerful message which the shloka delivers. So i choose this moment to publish my thoughts and hope that they enlighten me and others. 


तदेव लग्नं सुदिनं तदेव , ताराबलं चन्द्रबलं तदेव, विद्याबलं दैवबलं तदेव, लक्ष्मिपते तेङ्ग्रियुगं स्मरामि

A travelers log

Hello,
I am back after a long time - its almost time for my new years blog. So rather than having some arcane philosophical discussion, i am going to transcribe a travel-log here.

This is the log i wrote - yes, in a notebook - during my journey from LA to Pune and back. I have transcribed it word to word - including the spelling mistakes - my comments while transcribing it are colored grey.


The journey begins - LA to Pune

-Travel log 12/2 or 2/12 now that i am going back to India
-Long wait at the airport with expensive [3X of normal] food
-Long call with Santya
-Very long struggle to call Deepti @ Malaysia
-Pretty air-hostesses .. warmest service so far
-Announcement in Hindi 'देवियों और सज्जनों ' - first feel of homeland !
-Disappointment at finding out that there is no power outlet
-No stupid safety demos.. instead a corny video with a pretty air-hostess
-Reading light not focusing on my seat
-Bye Bye LA through the window
-Stupidity -- decide that the seat doesnt go all the way down -- tell an airhostess -- she tells me that there is a different button for that :P
-Complimentary OJ/AJ/Water -- [here i have written a word which i cant decipher]
-Complimentary beer !
-Malaysian airlines -- best so far [except the announcements in some asian language] -- [i didnt realize it was malysian :P]
-Watching Half Blood Price -- didnt even know the movie was out
-So far the journey is really good -- sitting next to a a very nice family
-Met a girl @ airport -- Speech therapist -- we got talking a bit -- reminds me of Richa
-HP and HBP -- why dont they stick to the book?
-I smell fish
-Too many announcements during the movie
-Movie boring
-Nice meal -- wine with meal, i dont take wine
-Hot tea instead of coffee - sounded similar
-Good long sleep
-Wake up -- potato bun
-Forgot to bring toothbrush and moisturizer
-Watching Ice Age-Dawn of the Dinosaurs
-Good breakfast of scrambled eggs
-Plane movement -- coffee spills
-Found out that the toilets have toothbrushes and toothpaste !
-Land @ Taipei - disembark
-@ Taipei airport -- Duty free stuff too expensive
-1 US$ = 32 Taiwan$
-Back to the plane !
-Again food -- hungry, so will eat anything
-On KL airport
-Found a terminal -- check mail !
-Wait for the girls -- Asha and Aditi to finish their stuff [here i should explain that Aditi is the girl i met at the airport, Asha is one my my friends here who was also taking the same flight -- i didnt know about that earlier]
-Tried calling Deepti -- failed
-Rush to Immigration -- dont want Deepti to wait long
-Talk to a girl -- Laxmi in the imm. line -- she looks charmed by me :P
-Immigration clear -- transit pass
-Eager to meet Deepti -- but cant find her
-Calling her -- cant seem to
-Currency exchange -- 1US$ = 3.32 Ringetts [the actual spelling is Ringitts and the abbreviation is RM]
-Calling Deepti again - cant get through
-Eat at BK -- just for internet access [BK is burger king]
-Last try to contact Deepti - failed
-Go to shuttle stop and take shuttle to hotel
-Nice room -- coffee !! and wifi
-Comp runs on 2% battery for half an hour -- miracle
-Laptop conks off -- realized that there is a power outlet!
-तहान लागल्यावर विहीर खोदने   [Suddenly i had an inspiration and started writing in marathi -- forgive me for the errors of transliteration]
- बैग मधे टूथब्रुश मिळाला !
-मस्त आंघोळ केली
-आता उकदतय थोड
-15 km / j [?] अशी पाटी होती
-परतीच विमान
-एअरपोर्ट वर 'Malaysian street food' -- ठीक ठाक होत
-परत आदिती भेटली
-विमानात बसल्या बसल्या झोप

The return journey begins - Pune to LA

-Another round of farewells @ home -- this time its much worse
-Met some of my best friends -- Swati, Rahul, Monica, Nikhil, Richa -- going back atleast with that satisfaction
-Journey to Bombay -- Sumo
-Fell asleep in car -- made the driver sleepy -- not good
-Stop @ Kamat again
-Lot of traffic
-Reach airport
-Took a walk to restroom -- alone
-Some time toe prepare myself for the departure
-Try to remain calm and smile
-Finally in
-Long wait @ counter
-Met everyone at visitors gallery -- made me feel like a prisoner visiting his relatives thru a meshed window
-Immigration and security done
-Eat a 100Rs sandwich and 100Rs cold coffee
-Making final calls
-Finally boarded -- sit on the wrong seat -- american couple makes me get up -- stupidity of mine
-Sit next to a a guy with 3 kids
-a pretty girl sitting behind me -- she has a sad kind of look
-Think of writing the log [ok, i started writing at this point - so the stuff on the return journey till now is flashback]
-Started reading the LA to Pune log -- got remined [reminded] of reading light -- checked -- does focus on my seat -- no troubles there
-Damn ! my seat is too far from the toilet
-Announcement 'Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls and Enrich members' !
-Again 'देवियों और सज्जनों' -- this time the feeling is of longing
-Free beer again
-Shouldnt have had lime with soda -- stomach acting weird
-White wine with dinner -- not bad
-No coffee with dinner :(
-Watching House
-Slept off
-Landed @ KL -- familiar territory
-Amazing how much the comfort level @ at a place increases [i have drawn an arrow pointing up] once you have been there before
-Malaysian toilets are pretty bad [i wrote worst - and rubbed it off not to be too critical]
-Sitting @ a cafe 'Delifrance' -- apparently french
-Finally some coffee and water
-1US$ = 3.27RM
-डोक्यात विचारांच थैमान सुरु आहे
-मराठीत लिहिल्यामुले अस वाटतय की रोज काहीतरी मराठीतून लिहाव
-Search for chewing gum -- 'दात घासन्याची गोळी'
-Go to a duty free chocolate shop -- no gum
-Go to a pharmacy -- happydent white
-Another security check -- cant take water in -- what a waste
-Guard asks to open bag -- momentary freakout
-Tried calling Deepti again! -- not in service
-Imagined the scene @ immigration in LA -- why am i freaking out?
-लिहायचा मूड नाहीये -- आत्तापर्यंत झोपून होतो
-Landed @ Taipei
-Toilets are cleaner and bigger
-It is cold inside the terminal
-1US$ = almost 38 Taiwan$
-A girl traveling to LA giving me looks -- caught her looking @ me a couple of times
-Parle poppins after ages -- still the same taste
-Same kind of restlessness
- I guess after a year, LA has become 'home away from home' -- Santya's term
-Just realized that i have a habit of keeping a copy of my itin in my left pocket -- i guess useful
-12 more hours to LA
-Set clock @ LA time
-Watching district 9 -- weird movie -- 'alien trans-species prostitution' -- what a horrible concept
-Bumpy ride -- very bumpy
-One bump was so bad that a small plea of forgiveness came to my mind
-The lady sitting next to me is very scared -- holds my hand -- almost crying
-We talk -- she turns out to be facutly @ USC -- works on HIV !
-The world is so small
-Bumps over
-Slept through most of it
-Bored by now -- i thik [think] long flights are useful in killing all the feelings of leaving home
-Almost there in LA
-Finally got coffee ! but the bumps start again
-Watch a corny video of CBP about carrying food
-Immigration and customs cleared -- no probs there
-Waiting for flyaway
-Its raining and its cold
-Journey from warm and sunny Pune to cold and cloudy LA is over
-So long



Phew -- that was a long blog.

Alright, hope its readable and hope you dont fall asleep by the end of it.

So this is it for my new years blog for now - will get back soon - have so many topics to write about.

Happy New Year everyone !

Through one's eyes

"You see the world being dark when you see it through dark glasses"

I read this saying somewhere, i may not have remembered it accurately, but in essence it is right.

The line talks about one's perception of things. And through experience, some good and some bad, i have come to realize that there is a vast difference between perception and reality ; and most of the times, perception holds more importance over reality.

Take the example of a court case - the evidence is reality , the crime is reality - however, the way the crime is punished [the actual function of the law] is based on perception. In American system, the members of jury decide whether the accused is guilty or not. Its based on their perception of the evidence and the case made by the lawyers. [It is perhaps a great thing that the Indian law - no matter what the actual thing is - has the symbol of the law 'goddess' with a set of scales in her hand and a blindfold over her eyes - to make sure that the justice given is free from the bias of perception]

Perception plays a far more important role in our lives. A lot of people have the tendency to see things as ' black or white ' or 'good or bad'. While it may be easier for the person to handle that, its not really good for them. When one sees things in black or white, they lose out on the true colors of life. One has to realize that things are never that extreme - they are always in different colors / shades. Sandip Khare and Salil Kulkarni have written in one of their poems

'' प्रत्येकाच्या मनातून कुठला तरी राग , प्रत्येकाच्या चंद्रावर कुठला तरी डाग "

But what people try to do is to classify things as totally bad - black or totally good - white. And this leads to expectations. E.g. someone who's clasisified as 'white' would always be expected to do everything perfectly - they cant slip even once - or they are re-classified as 'black'. But that is not the way things work in life, is it? It's true the other way round as well. Someone who has done something bad and is classified as 'black' will no longer be expected to do any good - and even if they do, its hard to redeem themselves.

The point i am trying to make is that one should see things as they are - more objective, and less biased - then only one can know the reality. People usually fall in either of the two categories 'optimistic' or 'pessimistic' - why isnt there a third category 'realist'. I have always considered myself a realist - i prefer not to be either optimistic or pessimistic about things - i prefer to see things as they are. People may think i'm either opti/pessimistic depending on their own perception of the situation, but for me its being a realist. But this brings us to the paradox with which i'll end the post.

When i say i see the real thing, its through my eyes - is that not my perception?

Cloning bloody cloning

Ok, now its Black Sabbath's turn

Forgive me Ozzy, Iommi, Butler and Ward

Cloning bloody cloning

you've seen plates through distressed eyes
you know you had to burn
the execution of your plans
did really have to turn
the day is done, the plates are old
the boss begins to show
the truth is out the boss is mad
but you don't want to know


nobody will ever let you clone
when your ask the reasons why
they just tell you that you're on your own
fill your cells all full of crap

the bacteria who have crippled you
you want to see them grow
the gates of lab are closed on you
and now there's no return
you're wishing that the hands of tech
would take your problem away
and you dont care if you don't see again
the light of day

nobody will ever let you clone
when your ask the reasons why
they just tell you that you're on your own
fill your cells all full of crap


where can you run to?
what more can you do?
no colonies tomorrow
labwork is killing you
dreams turn to nightmares
death turns to cells
burned out with experimentation
nothing more to plate

everyone around you
mocks at the cloning too
god knows and your boss knows
no more BLAST for you
cloning bloody cloning
nothing more in life
cloning just for living
living just for cloning

The wanderer

The wanderer

through space and time
he wanders on and on

finds a place to settle
calls it home
does calling it,
make it home?


finds peace, finds joy
finds sadness too
finds friend, finds foe
doesnt know if all of it is true

the moment arrives
when he has to depart
and he leaves everything
falling apart


doesn't care about what is left
doesn't look back
his mind clear
he can see only the path

he keeps on walking, all alone
in solitude and in pain
until he reaches a new place
to call home again

paradise found - paradise lost
through space and time
he wanders on and on

something of my own and something of others'

Hi,

I am back from quite a long break from writing.. the usual reason .. no inspiration. Well, not that i found inspiration today, but had a thought in mind and also time to write..

So.. i was giving some advice to a friend of mine today.. about relationships and human psyche.. of course, with my advice being sagacious [i bragged for some time about it] it worked.. but then i realized that if i would have followed the same advice myself, things would have been different..

I want to discuss two things here today.
1. We tend to give people advice and often we dont realize that we can use the same advice to make our life better.
2. We almost never think of things from another point of view.


If i think about it, i advise people often [wanted or unwanted]. Do i heed my own advice ? Hardly ever.. Why? We do tend to do that though.. it can be as simple as 'dude, you need to cut your hair ' or it can be relationship advice or it can even be calming people down. We can always come up with solutions to people's problems.. do we realize that we have the similar, if not the same problems? When i calm someone down, i tell them to take 10 deep breaths and count to 10 before doing anything. Do i always do that when i am agitated? Mostly not.

So why is it that we are so good at giving people advice and failing to heed our own words? In terms of boring science, its a side-effect [?] from having an advanced brain. I mean, lower mammals dont do that.. do they? I can't imagine a chimpanzee advising another one to run away from a tiger and not do the same.. So this must be a side-effect of having a functionally advanced brain. Right now, as i am writing this, i have told a friend of mine to go and sleep because sleeping late is not good.. but am i doing that? no.. instead i am type-blurting random thoughts which probably wont even be read by anyone other than me.. [a bit of digression, but i am also inventing a few words today.. e.g. i invented the verb 'to stipend' .. i told someone that i am stipended..]

Anyway, back on track.. about the thought #2..

Any conversation, fight, exchange, transaction requires two parties [unless you are schizofrenic, but even then still two imaginary parties]. Every party will have its own point of view / own set of principles / own set of ideas.. Take into consideration a conversation between two people where they are arguing about something. Each one will have their own notions, ideas, beliefs, even expectations. The main reason for the argument is usually that they dont understand each others points of view. But why? Again refering to my sagacious advice [ok ok.. no more bragging] .. i told her 'if you see his point of view, you will see why he's acting that way.. not justifying his behaviour, but only trying to seek the reason behind that ' .. and after some time with myself, it hit me.. do i do that often? no.. why not? if i think that their problem can be solved by doing that.. mine can too right? Lately, i have been trying to do that.. trying to see the other persons perspective.. trying to put myself in their shoes and then thinking about how i act.. and it helps.. sometimes, i realized that the things which i thought were too unreasonable are in fact not.. and if i would have switched roles, i would have expected the same thing..


well.. thats my bit of learning for today .. will ponder over these and will definitely try out both the things i mentioned here..

i.e. listen to my own advice and think from other people's perspectives..

High hopes

This is the story of a PI who was once famous and well funded. But the economic depression and fierce competition drove him to anonymity in the scientific world



High Hopes

beyond the hallway of the lab where we worked when we were young
in a world of westerns and gels
our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
the ringing of the funding bell had begun

over the long years and down with the money
do they still fund our research?

there was a busy lab that produced good science
(but) publishing before time took our grants away
leaving the myriad of small papers tied us to the ground
to a lab consumed by slow paper-rate

the grass was greener
the lab was richer
with grads surrounded
the science of wonder

looking beyond the reports of the research flowing behind us
to a glimpse of how good was the lab before
steps taken forward but sleepwalking back again
dragged by the force of some bad science

at high point with the research published
we reached the glory that dreamed of stockholm

encumbered forever by poverty and funding decisions
there are projects still unfunded
our weary grads will stray to the horizon
though down this road they have been so many times (lately)

the grass was greener
the lab was richer
the projects were better
the years of wonder
with grads surrounded
the chancellor's prize glowing
the money flowing
the endless grant-giver

forever and ever



Forgive me Pink Floyd... Syd Barrett and Rick Wright RIP (don't let this disturb your peace)

Ramblings

Sleepless night
alone at home with coffee in a mug
talking to no one

reading old chats
going through old posts on blog
nostalgia takes over

revisiting old memories
looking at them from a new perspective
learning about myself

friends - some old some new
some lost in the past - some to be lost in future
memories last nonetheless

relationships
is life worth it without them?
some now past - some not yet present

was it always my fault?
or was it meant to be that way?
would it matter now to find that out?

child with a balloon in hand
excited at first but letting the balloon go
not realizing that its gone

are the bridges burnt?
is the possibility gone for ever?
is the future blank?

new beginnings await
nostalgia - however good it may be, is still past
looking at the road ahead

wish things were different
but would i wish for things to be this way if they were?
grass is always greener

these ramblings of a soul
one day i will look back at them and laugh
till then so long

Comfortably dumb

This is a song sung by a PI when he caught his student fabricating data...

comfortably dumb


hello, hello, hello
is there anybody in there?
why hide if you can hear me,
is there anyone in lab?

come on now,
i hear you're spinning down
i saw your crappy stain,
come on, get up on your feet again

relax?, (yeah right!)
i need some primary data first,
just the basic numbers,
can you show me where it curves?

there is no stain, you are deceiving
a distant spot apprears on the quadrant
they are only coming through in gates
your cells glow?, but i cant see what you're saying

when i was a grad, i had an experiment
my hands felt just like two pipeting tools
now i got that feeling once again
i can't explain, you would not understand
this is not how i am

You have become, comfortably dumb



Ok,
just a little photoshop-trick
there'll be no more graaaaaaant
yeah, i can be a little prick

can you publish?
i dont believe its looking good
that'll keep you going for the year,
cmon its time to work

there is no data, you are procrastinating
a distant hope in your experiments,
you are only coming through in waves,
your lips move, but i cant hear what you're saying

when i was a grad, i caught a cheating kid
out of the paper of his PI
i turned him over, so he's gone
i sure put my finger on that now,
the kid is gone, the papers gone

you have become, comfortably dumb

At the mountain top

Once upon a time, there was a breeze - a delightful, warm gust of air - the Wind
He decided to embark upon a journey - to the tallest of all the mountains he could find
He met the Sun along the way - they became the best of friends
Warm breeze flew through the trees and it was paradise they wished never ends
The Sun and the Wind - seemed unseparable
But the Wind's determination to reach the peak was undefeatable
So he left the Sun alone to continue his quest
Atop the high hills and through the dense forest
As he saw the peak within reach, his joy grew
He sped towards the top, passing mountains as he flew
Exhilarated by his feat, he looked around - victorious and proud
All he saw was cold ice till the horizon and a single black cloud

Home - in a more literary sense

I was in Richmond, CA for a week for some training. And during that week, i realized that i had finally accepted LA as my home. The whole week there, i was a bit uncomfortable, being in a new area, living in a motel. Sleep at night wasnt as great as i normally have. My flight to LA got delayed by an hour, and i was feeling something which i havent felt in a long time - desire to get back home soon. I practically ran form the gate to the airport arrivals area. And when i finally reached home, i felt a sense of security.

Its been almost a year since i moved to LA. But the sense of belonging to my current apartment wasnt quite there. But it is now - too bad that i will move out in a year's time.

Then i realized that how much home, i mean the place you live in is connected to your sense of belonging. In the years that i lived in the 'wada' in Shaniwar Peth, that was my home - until we shifted to a temporary new apartment. The new apartment, for some reason, did not invite that sense of being 'home'. It wasnt until we shifted back to Shaniwar Peth - in a new apartment built over the same place - that i felt this was it. Curiously, architecture wise, or floor plan wise, i liked the temp. apt better - but it wasnt home. I would have thought that being there for three whole years will give me a sense of belonging there - but no, it wasnt quite that way.

And now after almost a year in my current apt in LA - it is home.


As they say - home is where your heart lives - mine lives in Shaniwar Peth, Pune and Westwood, Los Angeles - both places are now 'home'

If only

if only i could paint,
i would have turned my thoughts into colors,

if only i could sing,
all my worries would be songs

if only i could dance,
dance of joy it would have been

if only i could compose,
melodies and harmonies would be my life

if only i was a poet,
my poems would present my agony and my ecstasy

with the longing to express 'me' in these forms, limited only by the inability of my self,
i write these words, since words i can write..

Writers Block

I am facing a writer's block since my last post, well since my post 'black and white' . I have no blog-worthy idea in mind. Even if i have some idea, i am too engrossed in other things so i forget about it in an instant. Moreover, for some reason, my English is going from bad to worse. I think its the American effect. The spoken English (day-to-day) is so bad (read grammatically inaccurate) here, that my english is getting affected. And i think that is adding to my block.

I am writing this blog as a solution for writers block. Shilpa told me this once... When you are suffering from writers block, just write anything that comes to your mind. So i am doing exactly that.

For the past few days, i have been wondering whether doing a PhD is ever going to earn me money. I see my friends here, mostly doing MS, getting jobs already and earning twice as much. Now i am not saying that what i earn is not enough. It is enough, it is enough for me to pay my rent and live comfortably. But its not exactly big bucks. So i am reconsidering PhD, but i know that this reconsideration is shallow. Inside, i know that i want to do a PhD. So there is no question about that.

Recently, I found out that i can listen to radio on iTunes. I found out that there are thousands of radio channels i can listen to. There are 3 hindi channels ! I can listen to all kinds of music on the radio. Its a great thing and i am thoroughly enjoying that.

I am also planning to buy a bike, not a motorcycle, but a regular bicycle. My roommates bike was stolen from campus, so we dont have a bike to use. This is a prob only on weekends, where i used to take the bike to the lab. Now i have to walk :(

I am also growing concerned about my lack of excersize. I am hardly doing any physical excersize nowadays. And that is showing its effects. I should start excersizing regularly.


So.. after this post meant to be a cure on the writer's block, my resolutions are:

Complete the PhD
Listen to radio
Buy a bike
Start excersizing.


Its sunday morning at 845 am, and this is Alok Joglekar. If you are reading this, you are the reader. The block is taking over us and i am your only hope. We will find a way to fight the block and we will survive. This is Alok Joglekar, signing off from the blog.



p.s. I watched T4-salvation a couple of days back.

A short note on a scam

I was looking for an apartment in L.A. a couple of days back. For starters, i looked up a few offers on craigslist Los Angeles. I found this unbelievably great deal on one of the links. It was a 2b/2bth house for $1100 / month. (The usual is around $1600 / month in here). I did not believe the deal and scoffed at it as someone being either incredibly stupid / trying to rob people's money.

But, just to see what happens, i emailed the guy about the house. I get a reply from an address ending in *.fr (someone who is registered as a french guy). The emails says (in short)

'I am Richard McNeish, a voluntary missionary, who has transfered to west africa and my wife has transfered to UK. We want to give our place to someone trustworthy and who will treat the house as their own.. etc etc ... blah blah blah. Unfortunately we can not show you the house. So we will send you keys by DHL once we get the deposit of $500 and first month's rent of $1100. etc etc'

First of all, it sounds so fishy, that the first thing i did was a google search on 'richard mcneish'. The first hit i got was someone's blog entry and a comment on it. The comment says

'I want to know if anyone out there in Ilasamaja, Nigeria knows a man by the name of Richard McNeish, aka Pastor Mark Buckner aka Rev Daniel Tamayo. If you do, please its very imperative that you contact me at xxxxxxx@yahoo.com. This man, unfortunately, is a scam artist that likes to rob people's hard-earned money who serve the Lord. Please donot hesitate to leave me any information on this person who will be sought and prosecuted.'


Just an amazing experience which highlights
- How sneaky and kniving bastards people can be. Thieving people under the name of god.
- Amazimg power of internet and google.
- Also, amazing potential of internet to be used as a frauding tool.


Anyway. In short, that was the experience.

Black and white

Once upon a time, there was a white canvas who fell in love with a paintbrush. Out of many canvases, the paintbrush chose this particular one. Things went on well and their love was blooming. The canvas felt lonely without the brush and the brush without the canvas.

One fine day, after visiting an artist's house, the brush thought that the canvas is too blank, too white. The brush told the canvas 'my love, why not add some color to your life? I would very much like to see a colorful canvas'. The canvas agreed to it (albeit against its own will), for, it loved the brush dearly. It went on and allowed itself to be painted with some colors, and it thought, 'may be, i do look a bit better with the colors'. The Brush was also quite content with the now changed canvas. However, it did not match the elegance of the artist's paintings, so the brush was left unsatisfied. Days went by and the canvas got used to the colors. The brush had kept its feeling of not being satisfied to itself, but after a visit to another artist's place, slowly it started expressing itself . The canvas was initially reluctant to get any more colors, but because it loved the brush so much, it agreed to get more colors on itself. And so, it did. This went on for a while. Every once in a while, the brush would ask the canvas to get more color and the canvas would eventually agree and get itself colored.

There came a point when the canvas started looking black with all the mixture of colors. And then the brush told the canvas 'my dear, you have too much color on you. Have you thought about getting some white paint? It may add a different hue and you will look less dark and more colorful.' The canvas reluctantly agreed to this too as it did not want to lose its loved one. But, this time, the result was that even after getting a white paint, the canvas still remained dark. All the colors in all these time had turned the canvas black and there was no way to be white again. No matter how much he tried, the most it could do is to appear slightly grey.

The brush was retrospecting one day and it thought, 'Does the canvas look better with the colors? or was it much better when it was white? Did the colors make the canvas lose its own self? These colors probably disfigured the canvas for life. May be the canvas was better without me and i without the canvas'.

And so the brush moved on, eventually found a new canvas. And the canvas was left black and no brush could make it white again.

And the curtain went down

It has been more than six months since i moved to LA. Six months since i left the world in Pune and endeavored in a new world here in LA. In all these days i missed everything that made me belong to that world. I have never articulated it until now.

I remember the day i left Pune... seeing all the family members for the last time for a long time.. I remember how everyone was at home, to say goodbye to me. I remember the sudden tears that sprung up in my mawshi's eyes when she was leavin after sayin goodbye, knowing that she is not going to see me again for a long time. I remember me trying not to show any emotions on my face. I was sure that if i show even the slightest hint of a teardrop in my eye, all my beloved would join me in crying. I remember how i struggled to keep still, keep my face clear of emotions. Even though i felt all those emotions, i managed to conceal them. I remember the awkward pause, a pregnant silence when i was all set to leave the doorstep. I remember how i touched the feet of all the elders. I remember how i went downstairs to kaku's place to pray in front of the family gods. I remember the emotion that was swelling in my mind as i did these things. I remember seeing my house till it disappeared from the view as i went away. I remember sayin goodbye to Swati before leaving. I remember the same awkward pause before both of us bade a hurried farewell, hurried in the fear of revealing any emotions. I remember traveling on the expressway, as i waved a mental goodbye to my beloved city. I remember sitting in Kamat restaurant, eating my last meal with my family for a long time. I remember trying to keep the mood as light as possible. I remember my dad, mom and sister trying the same. I remember standing outside the airport terminal, silently contemplating the journey i was about to embark upon. I remember meeting two old friends there, and feeling relieved at the fact that there would be something to talk about while we wait there. I rememeber sayin bye to them, with butterflies in my stomach as i prepared for the last farewell. I remember being in two minds about entering the terminal; should i hurry and get this goodbye over with before i change my mind about leaving.. or should i try to spend as much time as possible with my family before i have to say goodbye.

I remember when it was finally time for me to enter the terminal. I remember my dad's hand on my shoulder, slightly shaking and at the same time trying to hind the shaking. I remember the look on my sister's face that was asking, 'do you absolutely have to leave?'.I remember the tears that sprung up in my mom's eyes, so similar to that of my mawshi's. I remember bending down to touch their feet, seeking comfort in the fact that it made me avoid looking into their eyes. I remember feeling that if i looked into their eyes a moment too soon, i might not be able to leave. I remember the heavy trolley with my luggage that i dragged to the gate, preparing for that final glimpse that i would have of them. I remember looking back at them from the door. I remember the expressions on their faces. My dad showing unmistakable support, while i knew that he would not show any other emotion, atleast not to me. My mom teary-eyed, worried for her son, and how he will survive the world out there. My sister showing unfathomable expression. After so many years, it was still unfathomable. I saw sadness, happiness, support all at the same time in that. I remember the hardest part of all this.. to break the picture in front of me and to go ahead with my journey.

I remember calling them as i finished checking in. I remember them waving at me through the glass, all of us having accepted the fact that i am leaving. I remember seeing them through the glass for the last time before i entered the immigration zone. My mind remarkably clear at that moment. I remember the sadness being replaced by excitement, apprehension and relief at the same time. I remember talking to my cousins over the phone as i sat awaiting the boarding call. I remember talking to swati over the phone as i knew she was probably going through the same emotions, albeit with a lag of few hours. I remember casually sms-ing with my dad about some guy who looked like hannibal lecter. I remember him asking me if his favourite dish was 'bheja fry'. I remember feeling that despite the distance, nothing is going to change. I remember boarding the plane and feeling for one last time that 'is there any chance i could go back to my family right now' and then immediately clearing my mind of that thought. I remember seating in the plane with my luggage securely placed. I remember the plane taking off and me slipping off to sleep, as if the the curtain was lowered the end of the act.




I dont know why i am articulating these thoughts, memories now. I was reading 'Kite Runner' and somehow it made me think of all these things, and i couldnt sleep.

I never realized how much i missed the small things. It was a world, it was my world. But now i must embrace this world which has become mine now. But my world in Pune will be my world, nothing is going to change it. So long ...

On uncertainity

Yesterday, I heard from my first PI and he pretty much told me that he is not gonna take me in his lab..

and i m feeling relieved at that.. Its a burden less i guess.. No more hopes that i may be able to join his lab.. so no more uncertainity about that.. so i am relieved..

I have come to realize how much i hate uncertainity... Having a bad news is much better for me than being uncertain about something.. may it be on my part or on something or someone else's part.. i just dont like things being uncertain..

I know one person who would have been exactly opposite.. Heisenberg.. (Warning:This is an attempt at a bad joke)

Anyway.. wanted to get that off my mind..

Seeman --- Labman

This is a song by Rammstein called 'Seemann' .. I am posting the translation of the song..



Seeman (translation)

Come in my boat
a storm is rising
and the night is coming
Where do you want to go
(quite alone you are drifting away),
give it up
Who will hold your hand
when it
pulls you under

Where do you want you want to go
So boundless,
the cold sea
Come in my boat,
The wind of autumn
keeps the sails stiff

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
The daylight falls to the side
The autumn wind sweeps empty the streets

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
The evening light chases the shadows away
Time stands still and fall is coming

Come in my boat
Yearning becomes
the helmsmen
Come in my boat
the best sailor
was I

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
You take the fire from the candle
Time stands still and fall is coming

They only spoke of your mother
so merciless is only the night
In the end I'm left alone
The time stands still
and I am cold







Given the current dearth of funding for the PI's and its effects on a grad student, i come up with this: (Once again, forgive me Rammstein)

Labman


Come in my lab,
a project is rising
and a grant is coming
where do you want to go?
(quite alone you are rotating away)
give it up
who will hold your hand
when you
fail to find a lab

where do you want to go,
so lab-less
the poor grad

come in my lab,
the grant of NIH,
keeps the consumables still

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates,
the uv light falls to the side
the seventy percent sweeps clean the hood

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates
the NIH takes the grants away
project stands still and there is no funding

come in my lab
earning becomes
the main plan
come in my lab,
the best PI,
was I

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates
you take the stipend from the department
project stands still and there is no funding

They only spoke of your project
so merciless is only the NIH
project stands still
and I am poor

Comassie blue

Forgive me Goethe and forgive me Rammstein


Comassie blue

A PI saw a little band..
it bloomed there with bright others
she asked her student,
if he could elute it for her


She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear bands
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still

The boy elutes the band in torment
he doesnt really care about the rest
only the little band is on his mind
he brings it to his PI

She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear band
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still

At his bench a column sits
doesnt want to be on the gel anymore
and with a western lets everyone konw
both are eluting at the same size

She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear band
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still


For the original song by Rammstein which is based on a Goethe poem, refer to the last post.. i.e. "Rosenrot..Rose red "

Rosenrot .. Rose red

This is a song by Rammstein.. its based on a Goethe poem.. i loved the lyrics of the song..

Rosenrot - Rammstein

A girl saw a little rose
It bloomed there in bright heights
She asked her sweetheart
if he could fetch it for her

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

The boy climbs the mountain in torment
He doesn't really care about the view
Only the little rose is on his mind
He brings it to his sweetheart

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

At his boots, a stone breaks
Doesn't want to be on the cliff anymore
And a scream lets everyone know
Both are falling to the ground

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

More rummaging

So, here i was, with the "problem" in front of me.. for reference, see the post 'Rummaging' .. my solution to it: "Work harder" .. Thats the only thing in my hands.. so i m tryin to do that..

Its funny that such a simple solution should come to me after so much thought... why didnt i naturally react to the situation in that way? Why was hard work not my first answer to the problem? I have seen many people whose first reaction would have been to work their asses off.. and i have seen all of them succeed in their efforts(may be a few exceptions where their luck failed them).. why do i not adopt that in my life? Is it a hard thing to do? or am i lazy?

I remeber this shloka

"योजनानि शतान्यपि शनै: गच्छेत पिपीलिका
अनिच्छन वैनतेयोपि पदमेकं न गच्छति "

(Forgive the errors in sanskrit as i am not used to using blogger devnagari text editing)

What this means is that 'an ant can go hundreds of miles even at her pace.. but an eagle who doesnt want to move, will not even move a foot'

Despite knowing this .. and similar quotes / examples, why was hard work not my first choice??

Is that one thing that separates animals from humans? Given choice, we tend to slack off.. animals cant do that.. they have to survive..

I will conclude this post with the words of Homer Simpson

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

Rummaging

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.. i have reached the conclusion that i may be reaching a 1/3rd life crisis (in case you are wondering wot that is, its my own version of mid-life crisis.. since i m not gonna live much more than say 65-66, i call it 1/3rd life crisis).. anyway

Usually i am pretty clear about wot i want to do.. but in the last few days, i am becoming a bit confused.. Is my coming to US gonna be a good thing? I mean, i m sure that my PhD from UCLA is gonna be of a good value if i return to India... but would i be able to find a lab in which i really want to do a PhD? I dont want to join any lab just becuz its UCLA .. i want to join a lab which i want to join.. But will i b able to find such a lab??

I usually dont compare myself to my peers.. but then i see these people from my class.. many of them have a lab which they want to work in.. and after a rotation, the PIs from that lab have told them that they can join the lab... So, they have a sense of security about the future of their Phd.. I have rotated in one lab, where i dont know if the PI can take me.. and i am rotating in the 2nd lab, where again i dont know if the PI can / wants to take me.. i have a third rotation lined up, but i m not thinking much about it.. As for the first lab, i really like the lab and i want to join it.. but then because of funding problems, the PI may not take me in the lab... Me being an international student, can not apply for any of the NIH / NSF training grants.. so the PI has to provide funding for me... which means that i am a liability as compared to an asset for the PI..

if i am really good, and i can produce say 2 nature papers in my Phd.. but if there is another student (US citizen / perm resid) as good / slightly worse (say 1 nature and 1 JVirol paper).. the PI would prefer the other student anytime, cause then the other student is virtually a free worker for him... but he has to pay almost $40k per year for me.. so i can completely see how taking a US student is favorable for a PI.. which puts me in a bad position..

Due to the above mentioned problem (?), my future about selecting a lab becomes suddenly grey.. There is a big trade-off... I have spent so much resources to come to US for a PhD.. should i join a lab just because i came here and i m not a quitter.. or should i join a lab only if i want to / like the lab.. This is not only a question of merely joining a lab / research... this is a point where my own principles are conflicting..

The part which tells me that i should not quit says that no matter what lab I join, the research is in my hands .. so i forget about what i want / like and just find a lab.. and once i do that , rest can be managed with hard work...

The part which tells me that i should join a lab only if i want to / like their research says that thats exactly the thing i came here for.. if i join a lab which i dont really like, it defeats the purpose of me coming here all the way.. i could have done the same in India.. it makes all the resources spent on me essentially a waste.. moreover, joining a lab is like a marriage.. if i dont like the lab much, is it going to work out for me for the next 5 years??

So the only way that i do not fail either of my principles is to find a lab which i want to work in and which can take me as well... but that seems to be a very rare situation now, esp because of the funding prob i talked about.. Hearing the best student from my class say that she may go back to her country if she doesnt find a lab she likes, i was alarmed whether is that gonna be my future as well?

I am currently working on a rational line of thought on this.. but the immediate future looks pretty mentally stressful as the choice is gonna affect the next 5 years that i spend here.. I am putting these thoughts down because they will help me to see the big picture.. since i dont write a diary, this is my diary.. i hope to see some things clarified / some decisions taken .. it will atleast show me the road ahead..

I have also realized that this is one of my shortcomings.. if i see the road ahead, no matter how hard it is, i can tread through.. but if i dont see it, i get confused easily.. i am not scared, but i get a bit boggled down as my processor gets overloaded with possible future scenarios which i construct.. i need to learn how to perceive the future a bit better.. or even how to tackle something without knowing it..

Oh well.. one problem at a time.. so i will think a bit more and hope the big picture becomes clear..

Law of selective inertia

I am pretty sure that everyone who has passed 12th grade is not new to Newton's first law of motion, also known as 'law of inertia'. It defines inertia as the tendency of a body to remain in its current state of motion unless and until acted upon by an external unbalanced force.. wow, that was a successful rendition of some of the crap i learnt in physics... but i digress..

Upon very careful and thouroughly scientific observations of many graduate students' lives, i have devised an ingenious theory which explains the apparently absurd behaviour of a grad student... (I was bitten by a lemur with a name 'King Julian XIII')...

The theory goes like this:

"A graduate student has a tendency to remain in his state of motion unless and until acted upon by external mentally balancing force"

To justify my thoery, let me give some examples

1) Getting out of bed in morning (or more likely afternoon) / getting out of the shower on a cold day / getting away from the compter while facebooking (or blogging)... in these cases, the external force rather negatively affects the mental state by making you work / get ready / go out in the cold and walk to the lab... hence you tend to exhibit a state of inertia...

2) getting out of the lab / going out of the lecture hall after a lecture is over / going for a movie... in these cases, the external force is quite good for the mental balance by making you not work /
finish your nap and get some fresh air / watch a movie... hence the student temporarily shuts down the inertia and is remarkably ready to change the state of motion..


Hence, my theory of selective inertia hold true !!


Now, being a graduate student, i obviously obey the law of selective inertia... but the external force (high pitched and angry sounds coming from my PI's office) is quite overwhelming and so it is taking me out of my state of inertia... so.. gotta go.. bye

Love

I was reading through the freshly written blog of a friend.. i came across these lines.. i am putting them here because they summarize the concept of love that i have in mind.. i feel that my writing is far too shallow compared to what these lines say, so i am not goin to write anything more than this...

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over after being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had that, we had roots that grew toward each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

--Captain Corelli's Mandolin


I hope everyone in this worlds finds themselves to be a part of the one tree... and let me conclude by saying that it let everyone realize that it doesnt matter who the other part is, the only thing that matters is the tree...

One fine day in the lab

A common situation in a grad student's life:

One fine morning, the weather is beautiful.. you get up on time (10am).. you say to yourself, lets get some work done in the lab for change.. you go to lab and find that your undergrad screwed up the westerns which you asked her to do and moreover, she used up all of the whole cell extract that you worked so hard to obtain.. You cant fire her cause your PI likes her... all that you can do is sing this:


Black

Sheets of empty cellulose, untouched sheets of gel,
were laid spread out before me, as her blot once did
all five eppendorfs, revolved around in her spinwin,
as the earth to the sun
and now the membrane i transfer and strip, has taken a stain.

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
ooh i know she stained it all that she had,

and now my bitter hands, hold the western blot of what was everything
all the membranes have, all been washed in black,overexposed everything..

I go for a talk outside, i'm surrounded by thoughts of the gel
i can feel the PI screaming, ohh, why do i care?

oh and twisted eppendorfs i spin, round and round,
oooh, i m spinning..
oh how quick the chemiluminescence can fade away..

and now my bitter hands, cradle blackened film of what was everything
all the membranes have, all been washed in black,overexposed everything..


all the stain gone bad, turned my film to black,
tattooed all i see, all that i ran, all i will.. yeah yeah yeah..


I know someday you'll have a beautiful blot,
I know you'll be the author, in somebody else's paper, but why?
Why, why can't it be mine??

Aaah , Uuuh..



Forgive me Pearl Jam.. Black is one of my fav songs.. but i just couldnt resist this..

Higher by Greed

So... after a painful day of trying to study for a midterm, reading Shilpa's blog gave me the spark to procreate something (Now now.. not that way.. more on literary terms)

So as i am quite unable to produce anything original with my own hands, i sat and wrote this...

To Creed: Forgive me for this...

Higher by Greed


while dreaming, i study for another test,
time and time again
at sunrise, i fight to stay awake,
cause I dont want to leave the grade less than an A
cause there's a hunger, a longing to just scrape,
with only a B in the test i take

so lets go there,
lets make our best scrape,
cmon lets go there,
lets ask can i get an A?


can you take me higher,
to the test which is dumb as i see
can you take me higher,
to the place with alternate seats

although i would like our course to change,
it helps me appreciate,
those nights and those dreams,
but my friend, why do i sacrifice the nights?
if i could just make mine and somone's papers the same
the only difference is,
to let my words replace all of his

so lets go there,
lets make our best scrape,
cmon lets go there,
lets ask can i get an A?

up high i feel like i've passed just this one time
up high i'm smart enough to take someones test
and make it mine

Thanks to Shilpa for inspiring this.. and thanks to Santya for being the smartass he is and telling me to put an 'an' before the A in order to be grammatically correct !

New years blog

Hello everyone,

Wish you a very happy new year !

Now, as the tradition goes, i should write a blog close to Jan 1, which would be my new year's blog. The tradition also dictates that i should start jogging ! Well, this year, i made a resolution to do the same as well. I gave the excuse of being in snow-filled boston for not having started jogging. I also started writing a blog on my life in 2008 called '2008-the year that changed my life'.

However, i was wondering why i pursue this tradition, and whether it means something to me. Turns out, nope, doesnt make a difference ! Here i am, halfway through the month, still havent started jogging and havent yet published the blog, its still half-written in my drafts folder. So there you go, thats the proof of my first ever blogothesis (short for blog-hypothesis, short for weblog-hypothesis). That Jan 1, or the new year, is no different than any other day !

Well, lets see how my writing mood continues in 2009, will surely come up with something to write about. In the meanwhile, have a wonderful 2009 !


























p.s. Hey, there goes my new year's blog (i have also started going to gym ). Jus keepin the tradition alive !