Rummaging

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.. i have reached the conclusion that i may be reaching a 1/3rd life crisis (in case you are wondering wot that is, its my own version of mid-life crisis.. since i m not gonna live much more than say 65-66, i call it 1/3rd life crisis).. anyway

Usually i am pretty clear about wot i want to do.. but in the last few days, i am becoming a bit confused.. Is my coming to US gonna be a good thing? I mean, i m sure that my PhD from UCLA is gonna be of a good value if i return to India... but would i be able to find a lab in which i really want to do a PhD? I dont want to join any lab just becuz its UCLA .. i want to join a lab which i want to join.. But will i b able to find such a lab??

I usually dont compare myself to my peers.. but then i see these people from my class.. many of them have a lab which they want to work in.. and after a rotation, the PIs from that lab have told them that they can join the lab... So, they have a sense of security about the future of their Phd.. I have rotated in one lab, where i dont know if the PI can take me.. and i am rotating in the 2nd lab, where again i dont know if the PI can / wants to take me.. i have a third rotation lined up, but i m not thinking much about it.. As for the first lab, i really like the lab and i want to join it.. but then because of funding problems, the PI may not take me in the lab... Me being an international student, can not apply for any of the NIH / NSF training grants.. so the PI has to provide funding for me... which means that i am a liability as compared to an asset for the PI..

if i am really good, and i can produce say 2 nature papers in my Phd.. but if there is another student (US citizen / perm resid) as good / slightly worse (say 1 nature and 1 JVirol paper).. the PI would prefer the other student anytime, cause then the other student is virtually a free worker for him... but he has to pay almost $40k per year for me.. so i can completely see how taking a US student is favorable for a PI.. which puts me in a bad position..

Due to the above mentioned problem (?), my future about selecting a lab becomes suddenly grey.. There is a big trade-off... I have spent so much resources to come to US for a PhD.. should i join a lab just because i came here and i m not a quitter.. or should i join a lab only if i want to / like the lab.. This is not only a question of merely joining a lab / research... this is a point where my own principles are conflicting..

The part which tells me that i should not quit says that no matter what lab I join, the research is in my hands .. so i forget about what i want / like and just find a lab.. and once i do that , rest can be managed with hard work...

The part which tells me that i should join a lab only if i want to / like their research says that thats exactly the thing i came here for.. if i join a lab which i dont really like, it defeats the purpose of me coming here all the way.. i could have done the same in India.. it makes all the resources spent on me essentially a waste.. moreover, joining a lab is like a marriage.. if i dont like the lab much, is it going to work out for me for the next 5 years??

So the only way that i do not fail either of my principles is to find a lab which i want to work in and which can take me as well... but that seems to be a very rare situation now, esp because of the funding prob i talked about.. Hearing the best student from my class say that she may go back to her country if she doesnt find a lab she likes, i was alarmed whether is that gonna be my future as well?

I am currently working on a rational line of thought on this.. but the immediate future looks pretty mentally stressful as the choice is gonna affect the next 5 years that i spend here.. I am putting these thoughts down because they will help me to see the big picture.. since i dont write a diary, this is my diary.. i hope to see some things clarified / some decisions taken .. it will atleast show me the road ahead..

I have also realized that this is one of my shortcomings.. if i see the road ahead, no matter how hard it is, i can tread through.. but if i dont see it, i get confused easily.. i am not scared, but i get a bit boggled down as my processor gets overloaded with possible future scenarios which i construct.. i need to learn how to perceive the future a bit better.. or even how to tackle something without knowing it..

Oh well.. one problem at a time.. so i will think a bit more and hope the big picture becomes clear..