Vindication

For those of you who have read my last poem, 'defeat', it was about science defeating me in the battle. However i didnt lose hope and kept on fighting. And it paid off.

When i wrote the poem, i had just come across yet another failed experiment, the same one for which i have been trying to get a positive result since an year ago. But last week, i finally got it. And that is vindication for me...

That also reminded me why i am in science. The exhilaration i experienced after looking at that piece of gel was exactly the thing i was fighting for. One small gel at the end of the day and that relieved the stress i was going through for the last few months. That is what science is about. I always like saying this 'If everything works for the first time, then a paper would be written in 6 months. But behind every figure in a paper, there are atleast a few failed experiments'. I experienced this firsthand. It is the one experiment which works and kicks off a whole series of further experiments that one always hopes for.

So with that feeling in mind, i am writing this, not only to remind myself of this in future when i am struggling to get experiments working, but also for my fellow  men and women who have taken the challenge of science.

At the same time, as i said in my poem, science is saying to me 'You may have won the battle, but not yet the war'

So long

Defeat

I lay down my weapons today
Sweat on brow and blood on sword
In front of the familiar foe
Reminding me how much it cost

My eyes flaming, matching his,
With vengeance in mind I tell him,
"I might have lost the battle,
But the war is not yet lost"

Life out of a laundry basket

You can't tell the difference between new and clean clothes and old and muddled clothes when you live life out of a laundry basket.


-This thought is inspired and contributed to by Ragini

Happy Independence Day

Happy Independence Day

I am writing this blog as we all celebrate 63rd anniversary of the India's independence.

As the day goes on and i read various facebook statuses, including mine, i am thinking... And i can't help notice a few things.

I know a lot of people who have come here to the US to study or to work. I know some of them will go back to India, most of them will end up staying here - on a green card and get a citizenship eventually. And they will be good American citizens and will go back to India once a year to visit their family. Now i don't see anything wrong with that - it's a personal choice.

If you ask me whether i want to do that? My answer right now is: No. Don't get me wrong, i like living in the states, the material comforts, the individual freedom. But i still want to go back.

I came here to do a PhD.. why didn't i stay in India? Because the opportunities there were limited and i wanted to make myself better at research and start a career in science in a place where they are not limited. So i came to the US. Did i find my dreams coming true? Yes, i joined a university and a lab where i can do the research i want, without a lot of obligations and limitations. I enjoy the freedom, i enjoy the healthy competition, i enjoy the opportunities.

Now ask me why i want to go back when i know i will be "downgrading" from these if i go back. The answer is: I moved to the US because i saw a potential to freely express my  scientist side. But what about other kids in India who couldn't? I went to a place to seek something from a place lacking it. Why shouldn't i bring it back to my home? I am going to go back and eventually have an institute of my own, where i will give my students the same opportunities, the same freedom as i found.

When i see people commenting on the system being screwed up, and thats why they are staying back in the US, i always shake my head. I think, if you are so critical of the system, why not try and change it? Not everyone has to change it by being a politician, or being an IAS/IPS officer. Not everyone has to get sucked into the system. Why can't everyone think of one area they want to improve and work on it?

E.g. I was not satisfied with the science-research system in India, so after gaining some experience in both science and scientific culture, i want to go back and instil some of the positive values i learned into the Indian system.

Well, this is just food for thought. The question I am asking is:

'Do you want to be a deserter and escape from sufferings of your fellow men; or do you want to be Prometheus who brought fire to the mankind'

The wait

The wait,
Like the long road before you reach home;
You can see the city lights, but from far
Yet you yearn to go faster..

The wait,
Knowing very well that time doesn't
Hoping that it will go like a shooting star,
Yet the heart beats for her..

The wait,
Distance makes hearts grow fonder
They say, and even though you are far,
Love will never wither..

The wait,
You keep wondering when is the time
One last time, to turn around that sand-jar,
Till it's almost over

Evanescent

You vanish everytime i reach out, giving just a faint glimpse
Just like the brush of lips before a fleeting kiss
Every glance i try to steal, further you move away, but i look everywhere
Every hint i send, you defy it, but i know you are there somewhere
Oh ever-evading one, please have mercy and show thyself,
So that i can connect and log-in myself

This is a poem inspired by the flaky wi-fi at Dubai airport.

Home

A new place in a new world
A place to hold on to
A place to come back to
A silent refuge
A social hub
A consolation in the dark
A celebration of light
A quiet relaxation
A flurry of excitement
A harbor of thought
A sink for grief
A bed to crash on
A bed to be sleepless on
A place that i owned
A place i called home


This is a tribute to Weyburn Terrace, Cypress court Apt 404, my apartment in Los Angeles for the last almost 2 years. It was my first home here and will always have a place in my heart.

Goodbye

Hello,

I am writing after a long time today. I have been in LA for more than a year and half. There is a Starbucks Cafe across the street (or down the hill as i like to call it). One and half years, and i never sat there just for myself.

Back in India, the canteen on the terrace of the bioinformatics center building used to be my spot. I have sat there countless times and that places has spawned more blogs than any other. I have always thought well with a cup of tea (or in the US, a cup of coffee). May be it is the tea/coffee or just that i am sitting in a place by myself and introspecting. But to remind myself of that, I am sitting here today at Starbucks Cafe with a pen and a notepad and i am writing what ever is coming to my mind.

One would think that it is the peace that is invoking thoughts in my brain. Ironically, i couldn't have chosen any place worse than this. This Starbucks is right next to the Fox theater in Westwood. The Fox theater is famous for movie premiers. Yes, with red carpet and celebrities. Today they are premiering 'The Karate Kid' and allegedly, Will Smith, Jackie Chan and a few other celebrities are here. So, getting back to the point, at this time the place has loud, talkative fans eager to catch a glimpse of their favorite celebrity. There are black-clothed security persons with stern looks on their faces, but at the same time having a good chat with coworkers. There are swarms of students walking by, it is the finals week. And to add on to that, i am blasting Iron Maiden through my newly acquired earphones. (The only thing missing here is the loud anti-bible screams of my favorite homeless guy).

You would ask me why i chose such a place for seeking peace of mind. And i say, i don't know, it doesn't probably matter. Peace of mind is something that can be attained irrespective of acoustic peace.

Dr. Asim Dasgupta (a prof here at UCLA) once told us that if one wants peace of mind, one should focus on the gap between two thoughts. When a though passes and a new one comes to mind, there is a brief gap in which there is no thought at all. If one focuses on that gap, one can attain peace. For me, that state would be harder to attain if there are external distractions around me.

I think the reason i get peace here, amidst all that is occurring around me is precisely that a lot is occurring around me. It is the state of having too much to potentially think about. Almost like a rainbow-colored wheel of fortune. When still, it shows all the colors. But when i spins, it appears white. My mind seems to attain peace by focusing on nothing particular what so ever.

So, i attempt to break my writer's block by writing this short "blurt", sitting at my favorite Starbucks, drinking cafe latte, listening to Iron Maiden and occasionally looking at the Fox theater to see if i can get a glimpse of Jada Pinkett-Smith.

Hence goes the writer's block

So long.



p.s. I did not get to see Jada Pinkett-Smith, although i did see Will Smith and their kid Jaden.

Pichle saat dino me v2.0

Ok, now i am a big fan of parodies, given that i like to write them. But i am slightly varying that and writing my own version of a song 'Pichle saat dino me' from the movie 'Rock on'.

And please keep in mind that all of that is true ! [may be not the chronological order and may be 7 days +/- 2, but hey, since i am a scientist, i am allowed that much SD]

Pichle saat dino me - v2.0

"

mera grocery ka ek bill,
ek ganda hua towel
ek aunty ka phone number
bekar pada ek paper

mere haat se racquet ka swing
mera ek pipet ka ring
pichle saat dino me maine khoya,
kabhi khudpe hasa mai, mostly roya

na na, na na na, na na, na na na

present mili ek kettle
nahi thi koi better
meri jeb se ek sachet
meri raincoat ki jacket

do seminar ke classes
mere purane spare glasses
pichle saat dino me maine khoya,
kabhi khudpe hasa mai, mostly roya

na na, na na na, na na, na na na

kaise bhulu, saatva jo din aaya
kisi ne mujhse facs machine cheen liya
kaisa din tha, jis din maine ek bhi galat kaam nahi kiya tha

mai jo khilaa pehli baar, maine janaa luck hai yaar
maine hosh bhi khoya, josh bhi khoya,
kabhi khudpe hasa mai, mostly roya,

maine pichle saat dino me yeh sab hai khoya
"


Forgive me, the crew of Rock on.

The mind wonders

"मन चिंती ते वैरी न चिंती"


Have you ever wondered how our mind can think of the most un-thinkable things? Each and everyone of us has some morals, some set of values that we try our best to live by. But everyone has had thoughts at one point of time which were so against our morals that we wondered 'how could i even think of that'. Have you ever wondered that why our mind can produce so conflicting a stream of thoughts?


Mind is like a canvas - it will take up any color. At the same time, it has the ability to erase any color it wants. We 'paint' the canvas with beliefs and ideas, but it can be wiped clean even in a single moment. And nothing else but the mind itself does it. A person can lose their beliefs in a second. A person can lose faith in some concept, e.g. faith in god, in one second. A person can lose years' worth of trust in a second. All it takes for such things is one thought by their mind. At the same time, it can only take a second to build new faith / rebuild trust. 


Our mind is a strange thing. I say thing because mind is not living. Surely, it is our brain cells etc, but it is the abstract that generates from them, not the actual living entities. It is the software, not the hardware. But it has so profound a control on our hardware that its hard to tell the difference. But i digress.


I remember a story about king Asoka. He was a great mauryan king who ruled a large part of southeast asia. He ruled it by the mighty and ruthless force. On the battlefield in the war of kalinga, he saw death that he brought to his fellow men and at that moment, something inside him broke down and he swore onto a life of non-violence by following a buddhist way of life. This story illustrates the great power of mind. The same mind, which had developed a huge dam of thoughts for Asoka. The same mind that made him a great king, a conqueror and a great warrior. The same mind that made him choose the complete opposite way of life in one moment. It has such great power, ironically not only on ourselves but on our fellow human beings too. 


"Mind is a terrible master, but a wonderful servant" - Robin Sharma in 'The monk who sold his ferrari'


Couldn't have been said more aptly. Mind is in fact a terrible master. Of course the example above illustrates that. I am sure all of us have experienced this sometime. Our minds control us, but how many times have you been disappointed with yourself for not making a choice. So many times it happens that our mind acts in such a way that we intentionally make the wrong choices. Sure, we have 'inner voices' telling us what is wrong and what is not. But who are those afterall, figments of our mind ! It is the mind who is acting against itself, sometimes i wonder why? Could it be that, without something like that, mind's own existence will become obsolete?


This reminds me of 'Lord of the flies' - an amazing piece of work. Such beautifully written but a horrifyingly natural concept. The behavior of those children on the island was nothing but a terrible interplay of minds. Mind being a terrible master, guided the kids to be 'lords of flies'. 


I was talking to R [i am borrowing her idea of initials] after watching the movie 'Shutter island' about beliefs and psyche in general. And we were saying that a lot of things we believe in are nothing but our mind's imagination. The whole concept of religion is one of them. What is religion and why do we believe in it? Isn't it a concept that our mind either creates or accepts? When i say someone is very religious and monotheistic, that only means that their mind has accepted the concept of monotheism as a reality. Reality is what our mind makes up - our perception.


Which brings us to the mind being a great slave part. Our mind makes a slave out of itself. When people devote themselves to something, it is exactly that. When i say that i am 100% devoted to something and i can only think about that, i am training my mind to exactly the same thing. Or rather, my mind is training itself to do that. The last 'ashram' of a man's life - sanyasashram [संन्यासाश्रम] is nothing but a time period devoted to clearing off the mind and train it to prepare to cease its own existence. How thoughtful of the mind i say.


So here i am writing about mind. Or shall i say my own mind writing about itself and its fellow minds?


I shall end this post with a quote from Ozzy Osbourne [to put it entirely out of context]
'Of all the things i have lost, i miss my mind the most'


Go on, let your minds wonder...






[image courtesy haironi_91 via photobucket]

Growing up / growing old

Hello,

I have been feeling quite strange the last few months. I think its a part of growing up. I see the things around me, i see my friends going through good and bad times. I see people interact with each other. It is a good place to observe. But more than anything else, i feel that i am finally growing up, even growing old.

The days spent at the University, making jokes, or worrying about stupid problems, or even doing nothing what so ever - seem to be distant past. The carefree-ness that was all i had, is slowly receding. Now i keep thinking of the future, the responsibilities. I see people around me facing choices and making them. And i can't resist thinking about what i would do if i was in their situation - even about how if i would make that choice, it might affect future.

If anyone asked me a couple of years ago - 'what do you want to do after the Ph.D.?' - my answer would have been easy and simple - 'a post-doc, in Europe'. Now its not the case. Don't think that my answer has changed fundamentally. But it has all these added clauses to it now. 'a post-doc, may be in Europe, may be back in India - depends on what happens - whether i am single or not; depends on what happens in the next 2-3 years'. And as better-thought that is, it also freaks me out a bit. That means i am growing up / growing old. There was a day last year, when i cut my hair [which were 18 inches long that time and i used to tie a ponytail] - and i told myself 'nah, you are not getting too old for that, just that you are annoyed by the maintenance' - while inside, secretly, i knew that there was a part of me which thought that growing my hair is a bit juvenile and may be i am getting old for that. But i tried to shun that fact.

Now, after a year, after a lot has passed. I can not help but think about the responsibilities. That i have to go back to India, take care of my parents and sister, my whole joint family. That i have to start a family of my own. That i have to prep myself to get married one day, and have children. That i have to start a career in science and make it successful.

Reading books on philosophy, or books with profound philosophy behind them, i always thought about my values and morals. But spare a few times, i didn't have to face a stringent test of my morals or my values. I started realizing that now it is going to be the true test of those. Not that i am scared of that, but i realize that - perhaps i am getting older.

My first year in US, i was quite carefree about money - enjoying myself and spending quite a lot - sometimes on useless things. But now, after going through a few crises, i have started putting a bit more thought in that. Things like - i should always have enough for a trip to India, for good or god-forbid bad reasons. I have started becoming pro-active towards saving.

So, all these things that i keep thinking - they do make me feel older. Perhaps it is time to grow up - but do i want to lose that carefree-ness that i had / still have? Or do i want to cherish it, albeit as past, and move on and look forward to the responsibilities as new challenges that will test me?

Well, time will decide. After all, Benjamin Button was only a fictional character.

So long.

At Crossroads

Vast network of roads

Some well trodden
Some less travelled
Some wide and smooth
Some narrow and bumpy

Each intersection is a choice
Each intersection leads to another
Each intersection decides the journey
Each intersection decides the end

Here i am at crossroads again
The road i choose will be my fate
Looking back at the network
Tracing my path i contemplate

Here i am at crossroads again
Afterall, the end is all the same

Peace II

The road is still quiet
Clear blue sky
A lone white cloud
Shiny grey road
Same car parked
Same eucalyptus scent
Scattered ashes of a cigarette
Fallen leaves
A tiny ray of sun
Seeping through the trees
It is dawn
And the road is still quiet

Peace

The road is quiet
Patches of dry tar
Patches of clear sky
A faint scent of eucalyptus
Dim streetlamp
A lone man stands
Peacefully smoking
Occasional puff of smoke
Content with himself
Looking at the sky
A parked car
As though sleeping
To wake up at dawn
And break the spell
But for now,
The road is quiet

Phoenix

Walking on a lonely road

Patches of dark, without streetlamps

A cemetery beckons

Ghastly silence hinting at his fate

He keeps on walking

An act of defiance

Though in his mind he knows

That the battle is already lost

The graveyard smirks

"Telling him that one day, you shall come to me

And that is inevitable"

But he throws his head back and laughs,

"You think its surrender?

Its a brave man's battle, fought hard

With head held high and glory at helm

You shall take me for now,

But from the ashes i shall rise again".

 

Doodles

Paper in my hand,
A want to write my mind out
I look for the pen,
And something to write about

Aimless words,
Little sense they seem to make
Aimless thoughts,
About this world, real and fake

Why fake i say,
Reality is what i see around me
Why write i say,
The thoughts belong to only me

Pointless rhymes,
My thoughts do wander away
But write i do,
To say what i want to say

So, this is the cure for my itch,
A few words
Out of my pen and on my paper.