Growing up / growing old

Hello,

I have been feeling quite strange the last few months. I think its a part of growing up. I see the things around me, i see my friends going through good and bad times. I see people interact with each other. It is a good place to observe. But more than anything else, i feel that i am finally growing up, even growing old.

The days spent at the University, making jokes, or worrying about stupid problems, or even doing nothing what so ever - seem to be distant past. The carefree-ness that was all i had, is slowly receding. Now i keep thinking of the future, the responsibilities. I see people around me facing choices and making them. And i can't resist thinking about what i would do if i was in their situation - even about how if i would make that choice, it might affect future.

If anyone asked me a couple of years ago - 'what do you want to do after the Ph.D.?' - my answer would have been easy and simple - 'a post-doc, in Europe'. Now its not the case. Don't think that my answer has changed fundamentally. But it has all these added clauses to it now. 'a post-doc, may be in Europe, may be back in India - depends on what happens - whether i am single or not; depends on what happens in the next 2-3 years'. And as better-thought that is, it also freaks me out a bit. That means i am growing up / growing old. There was a day last year, when i cut my hair [which were 18 inches long that time and i used to tie a ponytail] - and i told myself 'nah, you are not getting too old for that, just that you are annoyed by the maintenance' - while inside, secretly, i knew that there was a part of me which thought that growing my hair is a bit juvenile and may be i am getting old for that. But i tried to shun that fact.

Now, after a year, after a lot has passed. I can not help but think about the responsibilities. That i have to go back to India, take care of my parents and sister, my whole joint family. That i have to start a family of my own. That i have to prep myself to get married one day, and have children. That i have to start a career in science and make it successful.

Reading books on philosophy, or books with profound philosophy behind them, i always thought about my values and morals. But spare a few times, i didn't have to face a stringent test of my morals or my values. I started realizing that now it is going to be the true test of those. Not that i am scared of that, but i realize that - perhaps i am getting older.

My first year in US, i was quite carefree about money - enjoying myself and spending quite a lot - sometimes on useless things. But now, after going through a few crises, i have started putting a bit more thought in that. Things like - i should always have enough for a trip to India, for good or god-forbid bad reasons. I have started becoming pro-active towards saving.

So, all these things that i keep thinking - they do make me feel older. Perhaps it is time to grow up - but do i want to lose that carefree-ness that i had / still have? Or do i want to cherish it, albeit as past, and move on and look forward to the responsibilities as new challenges that will test me?

Well, time will decide. After all, Benjamin Button was only a fictional character.

So long.