And the curtain went down

It has been more than six months since i moved to LA. Six months since i left the world in Pune and endeavored in a new world here in LA. In all these days i missed everything that made me belong to that world. I have never articulated it until now.

I remember the day i left Pune... seeing all the family members for the last time for a long time.. I remember how everyone was at home, to say goodbye to me. I remember the sudden tears that sprung up in my mawshi's eyes when she was leavin after sayin goodbye, knowing that she is not going to see me again for a long time. I remember me trying not to show any emotions on my face. I was sure that if i show even the slightest hint of a teardrop in my eye, all my beloved would join me in crying. I remember how i struggled to keep still, keep my face clear of emotions. Even though i felt all those emotions, i managed to conceal them. I remember the awkward pause, a pregnant silence when i was all set to leave the doorstep. I remember how i touched the feet of all the elders. I remember how i went downstairs to kaku's place to pray in front of the family gods. I remember the emotion that was swelling in my mind as i did these things. I remember seeing my house till it disappeared from the view as i went away. I remember sayin goodbye to Swati before leaving. I remember the same awkward pause before both of us bade a hurried farewell, hurried in the fear of revealing any emotions. I remember traveling on the expressway, as i waved a mental goodbye to my beloved city. I remember sitting in Kamat restaurant, eating my last meal with my family for a long time. I remember trying to keep the mood as light as possible. I remember my dad, mom and sister trying the same. I remember standing outside the airport terminal, silently contemplating the journey i was about to embark upon. I remember meeting two old friends there, and feeling relieved at the fact that there would be something to talk about while we wait there. I rememeber sayin bye to them, with butterflies in my stomach as i prepared for the last farewell. I remember being in two minds about entering the terminal; should i hurry and get this goodbye over with before i change my mind about leaving.. or should i try to spend as much time as possible with my family before i have to say goodbye.

I remember when it was finally time for me to enter the terminal. I remember my dad's hand on my shoulder, slightly shaking and at the same time trying to hind the shaking. I remember the look on my sister's face that was asking, 'do you absolutely have to leave?'.I remember the tears that sprung up in my mom's eyes, so similar to that of my mawshi's. I remember bending down to touch their feet, seeking comfort in the fact that it made me avoid looking into their eyes. I remember feeling that if i looked into their eyes a moment too soon, i might not be able to leave. I remember the heavy trolley with my luggage that i dragged to the gate, preparing for that final glimpse that i would have of them. I remember looking back at them from the door. I remember the expressions on their faces. My dad showing unmistakable support, while i knew that he would not show any other emotion, atleast not to me. My mom teary-eyed, worried for her son, and how he will survive the world out there. My sister showing unfathomable expression. After so many years, it was still unfathomable. I saw sadness, happiness, support all at the same time in that. I remember the hardest part of all this.. to break the picture in front of me and to go ahead with my journey.

I remember calling them as i finished checking in. I remember them waving at me through the glass, all of us having accepted the fact that i am leaving. I remember seeing them through the glass for the last time before i entered the immigration zone. My mind remarkably clear at that moment. I remember the sadness being replaced by excitement, apprehension and relief at the same time. I remember talking to my cousins over the phone as i sat awaiting the boarding call. I remember talking to swati over the phone as i knew she was probably going through the same emotions, albeit with a lag of few hours. I remember casually sms-ing with my dad about some guy who looked like hannibal lecter. I remember him asking me if his favourite dish was 'bheja fry'. I remember feeling that despite the distance, nothing is going to change. I remember boarding the plane and feeling for one last time that 'is there any chance i could go back to my family right now' and then immediately clearing my mind of that thought. I remember seating in the plane with my luggage securely placed. I remember the plane taking off and me slipping off to sleep, as if the the curtain was lowered the end of the act.




I dont know why i am articulating these thoughts, memories now. I was reading 'Kite Runner' and somehow it made me think of all these things, and i couldnt sleep.

I never realized how much i missed the small things. It was a world, it was my world. But now i must embrace this world which has become mine now. But my world in Pune will be my world, nothing is going to change it. So long ...

On uncertainity

Yesterday, I heard from my first PI and he pretty much told me that he is not gonna take me in his lab..

and i m feeling relieved at that.. Its a burden less i guess.. No more hopes that i may be able to join his lab.. so no more uncertainity about that.. so i am relieved..

I have come to realize how much i hate uncertainity... Having a bad news is much better for me than being uncertain about something.. may it be on my part or on something or someone else's part.. i just dont like things being uncertain..

I know one person who would have been exactly opposite.. Heisenberg.. (Warning:This is an attempt at a bad joke)

Anyway.. wanted to get that off my mind..

Seeman --- Labman

This is a song by Rammstein called 'Seemann' .. I am posting the translation of the song..



Seeman (translation)

Come in my boat
a storm is rising
and the night is coming
Where do you want to go
(quite alone you are drifting away),
give it up
Who will hold your hand
when it
pulls you under

Where do you want you want to go
So boundless,
the cold sea
Come in my boat,
The wind of autumn
keeps the sails stiff

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
The daylight falls to the side
The autumn wind sweeps empty the streets

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
The evening light chases the shadows away
Time stands still and fall is coming

Come in my boat
Yearning becomes
the helmsmen
Come in my boat
the best sailor
was I

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
You take the fire from the candle
Time stands still and fall is coming

They only spoke of your mother
so merciless is only the night
In the end I'm left alone
The time stands still
and I am cold







Given the current dearth of funding for the PI's and its effects on a grad student, i come up with this: (Once again, forgive me Rammstein)

Labman


Come in my lab,
a project is rising
and a grant is coming
where do you want to go?
(quite alone you are rotating away)
give it up
who will hold your hand
when you
fail to find a lab

where do you want to go,
so lab-less
the poor grad

come in my lab,
the grant of NIH,
keeps the consumables still

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates,
the uv light falls to the side
the seventy percent sweeps clean the hood

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates
the NIH takes the grants away
project stands still and there is no funding

come in my lab
earning becomes
the main plan
come in my lab,
the best PI,
was I

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates
you take the stipend from the department
project stands still and there is no funding

They only spoke of your project
so merciless is only the NIH
project stands still
and I am poor

Comassie blue

Forgive me Goethe and forgive me Rammstein


Comassie blue

A PI saw a little band..
it bloomed there with bright others
she asked her student,
if he could elute it for her


She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear bands
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still

The boy elutes the band in torment
he doesnt really care about the rest
only the little band is on his mind
he brings it to his PI

She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear band
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still

At his bench a column sits
doesnt want to be on the gel anymore
and with a western lets everyone konw
both are eluting at the same size

She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear band
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still


For the original song by Rammstein which is based on a Goethe poem, refer to the last post.. i.e. "Rosenrot..Rose red "

Rosenrot .. Rose red

This is a song by Rammstein.. its based on a Goethe poem.. i loved the lyrics of the song..

Rosenrot - Rammstein

A girl saw a little rose
It bloomed there in bright heights
She asked her sweetheart
if he could fetch it for her

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

The boy climbs the mountain in torment
He doesn't really care about the view
Only the little rose is on his mind
He brings it to his sweetheart

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

At his boots, a stone breaks
Doesn't want to be on the cliff anymore
And a scream lets everyone know
Both are falling to the ground

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

More rummaging

So, here i was, with the "problem" in front of me.. for reference, see the post 'Rummaging' .. my solution to it: "Work harder" .. Thats the only thing in my hands.. so i m tryin to do that..

Its funny that such a simple solution should come to me after so much thought... why didnt i naturally react to the situation in that way? Why was hard work not my first answer to the problem? I have seen many people whose first reaction would have been to work their asses off.. and i have seen all of them succeed in their efforts(may be a few exceptions where their luck failed them).. why do i not adopt that in my life? Is it a hard thing to do? or am i lazy?

I remeber this shloka

"योजनानि शतान्यपि शनै: गच्छेत पिपीलिका
अनिच्छन वैनतेयोपि पदमेकं न गच्छति "

(Forgive the errors in sanskrit as i am not used to using blogger devnagari text editing)

What this means is that 'an ant can go hundreds of miles even at her pace.. but an eagle who doesnt want to move, will not even move a foot'

Despite knowing this .. and similar quotes / examples, why was hard work not my first choice??

Is that one thing that separates animals from humans? Given choice, we tend to slack off.. animals cant do that.. they have to survive..

I will conclude this post with the words of Homer Simpson

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."