Rummaging

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.. i have reached the conclusion that i may be reaching a 1/3rd life crisis (in case you are wondering wot that is, its my own version of mid-life crisis.. since i m not gonna live much more than say 65-66, i call it 1/3rd life crisis).. anyway

Usually i am pretty clear about wot i want to do.. but in the last few days, i am becoming a bit confused.. Is my coming to US gonna be a good thing? I mean, i m sure that my PhD from UCLA is gonna be of a good value if i return to India... but would i be able to find a lab in which i really want to do a PhD? I dont want to join any lab just becuz its UCLA .. i want to join a lab which i want to join.. But will i b able to find such a lab??

I usually dont compare myself to my peers.. but then i see these people from my class.. many of them have a lab which they want to work in.. and after a rotation, the PIs from that lab have told them that they can join the lab... So, they have a sense of security about the future of their Phd.. I have rotated in one lab, where i dont know if the PI can take me.. and i am rotating in the 2nd lab, where again i dont know if the PI can / wants to take me.. i have a third rotation lined up, but i m not thinking much about it.. As for the first lab, i really like the lab and i want to join it.. but then because of funding problems, the PI may not take me in the lab... Me being an international student, can not apply for any of the NIH / NSF training grants.. so the PI has to provide funding for me... which means that i am a liability as compared to an asset for the PI..

if i am really good, and i can produce say 2 nature papers in my Phd.. but if there is another student (US citizen / perm resid) as good / slightly worse (say 1 nature and 1 JVirol paper).. the PI would prefer the other student anytime, cause then the other student is virtually a free worker for him... but he has to pay almost $40k per year for me.. so i can completely see how taking a US student is favorable for a PI.. which puts me in a bad position..

Due to the above mentioned problem (?), my future about selecting a lab becomes suddenly grey.. There is a big trade-off... I have spent so much resources to come to US for a PhD.. should i join a lab just because i came here and i m not a quitter.. or should i join a lab only if i want to / like the lab.. This is not only a question of merely joining a lab / research... this is a point where my own principles are conflicting..

The part which tells me that i should not quit says that no matter what lab I join, the research is in my hands .. so i forget about what i want / like and just find a lab.. and once i do that , rest can be managed with hard work...

The part which tells me that i should join a lab only if i want to / like their research says that thats exactly the thing i came here for.. if i join a lab which i dont really like, it defeats the purpose of me coming here all the way.. i could have done the same in India.. it makes all the resources spent on me essentially a waste.. moreover, joining a lab is like a marriage.. if i dont like the lab much, is it going to work out for me for the next 5 years??

So the only way that i do not fail either of my principles is to find a lab which i want to work in and which can take me as well... but that seems to be a very rare situation now, esp because of the funding prob i talked about.. Hearing the best student from my class say that she may go back to her country if she doesnt find a lab she likes, i was alarmed whether is that gonna be my future as well?

I am currently working on a rational line of thought on this.. but the immediate future looks pretty mentally stressful as the choice is gonna affect the next 5 years that i spend here.. I am putting these thoughts down because they will help me to see the big picture.. since i dont write a diary, this is my diary.. i hope to see some things clarified / some decisions taken .. it will atleast show me the road ahead..

I have also realized that this is one of my shortcomings.. if i see the road ahead, no matter how hard it is, i can tread through.. but if i dont see it, i get confused easily.. i am not scared, but i get a bit boggled down as my processor gets overloaded with possible future scenarios which i construct.. i need to learn how to perceive the future a bit better.. or even how to tackle something without knowing it..

Oh well.. one problem at a time.. so i will think a bit more and hope the big picture becomes clear..

Law of selective inertia

I am pretty sure that everyone who has passed 12th grade is not new to Newton's first law of motion, also known as 'law of inertia'. It defines inertia as the tendency of a body to remain in its current state of motion unless and until acted upon by an external unbalanced force.. wow, that was a successful rendition of some of the crap i learnt in physics... but i digress..

Upon very careful and thouroughly scientific observations of many graduate students' lives, i have devised an ingenious theory which explains the apparently absurd behaviour of a grad student... (I was bitten by a lemur with a name 'King Julian XIII')...

The theory goes like this:

"A graduate student has a tendency to remain in his state of motion unless and until acted upon by external mentally balancing force"

To justify my thoery, let me give some examples

1) Getting out of bed in morning (or more likely afternoon) / getting out of the shower on a cold day / getting away from the compter while facebooking (or blogging)... in these cases, the external force rather negatively affects the mental state by making you work / get ready / go out in the cold and walk to the lab... hence you tend to exhibit a state of inertia...

2) getting out of the lab / going out of the lecture hall after a lecture is over / going for a movie... in these cases, the external force is quite good for the mental balance by making you not work /
finish your nap and get some fresh air / watch a movie... hence the student temporarily shuts down the inertia and is remarkably ready to change the state of motion..


Hence, my theory of selective inertia hold true !!


Now, being a graduate student, i obviously obey the law of selective inertia... but the external force (high pitched and angry sounds coming from my PI's office) is quite overwhelming and so it is taking me out of my state of inertia... so.. gotta go.. bye

Love

I was reading through the freshly written blog of a friend.. i came across these lines.. i am putting them here because they summarize the concept of love that i have in mind.. i feel that my writing is far too shallow compared to what these lines say, so i am not goin to write anything more than this...

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over after being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had that, we had roots that grew toward each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

--Captain Corelli's Mandolin


I hope everyone in this worlds finds themselves to be a part of the one tree... and let me conclude by saying that it let everyone realize that it doesnt matter who the other part is, the only thing that matters is the tree...

One fine day in the lab

A common situation in a grad student's life:

One fine morning, the weather is beautiful.. you get up on time (10am).. you say to yourself, lets get some work done in the lab for change.. you go to lab and find that your undergrad screwed up the westerns which you asked her to do and moreover, she used up all of the whole cell extract that you worked so hard to obtain.. You cant fire her cause your PI likes her... all that you can do is sing this:


Black

Sheets of empty cellulose, untouched sheets of gel,
were laid spread out before me, as her blot once did
all five eppendorfs, revolved around in her spinwin,
as the earth to the sun
and now the membrane i transfer and strip, has taken a stain.

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
ooh i know she stained it all that she had,

and now my bitter hands, hold the western blot of what was everything
all the membranes have, all been washed in black,overexposed everything..

I go for a talk outside, i'm surrounded by thoughts of the gel
i can feel the PI screaming, ohh, why do i care?

oh and twisted eppendorfs i spin, round and round,
oooh, i m spinning..
oh how quick the chemiluminescence can fade away..

and now my bitter hands, cradle blackened film of what was everything
all the membranes have, all been washed in black,overexposed everything..


all the stain gone bad, turned my film to black,
tattooed all i see, all that i ran, all i will.. yeah yeah yeah..


I know someday you'll have a beautiful blot,
I know you'll be the author, in somebody else's paper, but why?
Why, why can't it be mine??

Aaah , Uuuh..



Forgive me Pearl Jam.. Black is one of my fav songs.. but i just couldnt resist this..