The inner self

Who is the real me?? am i jus my so called inner self putting up a facade by the name of alok? or am i really a person with two layers of existence?

i will elaborate a bit more about the two layers thing.. long ago when we were doing some experiments with planchetting (i hope u know wot tht is .. talkin to dead spirits etc etc.) i had thought of the two layers an tried to describe y we see stuff in it. The human psyche consists of the conscious and the subconscious... while they cant really be separated, a human being can live with multiple personas in the conscious layer (we call them politicians !! nono, wot i mean is people can put up facades .. but thats not really different personas in a conscious state.. its a deliberated thing.. but i still think a person can live mutiple personas at a conscious level... i think i m confused by now!!) .. but as i was saying, there are two layers of a mind, conscious and subconscious... most of the times, the subconscious is guiding the conscious, telling it wot to do... most of the times... the subconscious is a far more powerful thing than the conscious, an with far less malice... however, it is also beyond the control of the conscious, most of the times... subconscious is wot reaches the nearest to wot is called the soul of a person...

thats my two layers... but then it doesnt define my soul right? soul is something at the core of all this... its the 'atma' .. they say its indestructible...

"nainam cchindanti shastrani, nainam dahati pavakaha,
na chainam kledayantyapo, na shoshayati marutaha."

thts a sanskrit shloka saying that it cannot be cleaved by a weapon, cannot be burned by fire, cannot be soaked by water, cannot be sucked away by wind.. such is the nature of a human soul...it has the ultimate control over everything, eveything wot a person does....but then is it that bad persons, (i mean it as a generic term) have bad souls?? but why would be bad souls produced in the first place??
i believe that no soul is bad.. rather a soul is neither good nor bad, we cant judge it that way... the 'bad' character is in fact generated by defying the ultimate control of the soul.. it begins with defying the control of teh subconscious.. then we graduate to a biased and 'baddened' subconscious... then the ultimate achievment is the throwing off of the control of the soul over wot we do... so, bad people are the real achievers in defeating the soul !!!

but however you try to cheat the soul, it would silently watch and laugh.. because at the end, it decides your fate ryt?? .. all this makes me feel that a human mind, or the human existence is marked by THREE layers.. the conscious, the subconscious, and the soul !!...

i hope by now i have confused you enough.. so think about it... on the conscious level, cuz i alreadu know that on a subconscious level u r already thinkin about it.. ;)

I am because i think

What is thinking? its the most complicated physiological process ever. can lower organisms think? they can judge the circumstances and react .. but is it thinkin? if i react to a hot object (object), is that thinking? i guess not.. But then wot is thinking... i think wot lower organisms do is to percieve, not really think.. its a reflex which is formed due to completion of a circuit inside their brains (or neural ganglia as my sister tells me).. so its not thinking..

We are special beacuse we think !.. if u see, we also have networks of neurons an stuff like tht... may be our networks are more complicated... but they still are a physical phenomenon.. and thinking is a consequence of a higher complexity of neural networks.. but then wot makes humans think and not say chimpanzees?? their networks are somewhat lesser complex than ours.. but are they that less complex?? to make humans so unpredictable and them so predictable?? wot is it that really makes us think?? a few thousands of neurons?? then if that is possible, why do we have a choice at all to think or not to think.. monkeys dont have a choice... we do.. y??

A little something

This is from the book 'the virtue of selfishness' by Ayn Rand

"Nothing is given to man on earth except a potential and the material on which to actualize it. The potential is a superlative machine, his consciousness; but it is a machine without a spark plug, a machine of which his own will has to be the spark plug, the self starter and the driver. He has to discover how to use it and he has to keep it in constant action. The material is the whole of the universe, with no limits set ti the knowledge he can acquire and to the enjoyment of life he can achieve. But everything he needs or desires has to be learned, discovered and produced by him, by his own choice, by his own effort; by his own mind"

Reason for the name

HeLLBouND but still divine!
Why this name? people have their own nicks.. this used to be my original CS nick, an it still is (Though, my current one is Phantom)
Theres smtn abt this nick tht describes smtn abt me i think..
donno wot tht is.. but theres smtn..
lets see if i can find out..
but i was so fascinated abt this invention of mine.. there has to be something.. let me think over it for a few days an get back to u..
bye

I feel good

Finally after many days i feel good..
i m over a lot of things , having a great chat with a friend.. an i feel great..
i feel re-energized, motivated..

no more stagnant.. no more lonely.. no more dark... but i feel good..

Delhi Trip!!

i had gone for a conference in Delhi last week, an the trip turned out to be pretty boring. Instead of getting a nice break from the boring routine, it was almost a disaster. I knew i shud hv gone for maiden concert!!

But, i learned a few things, a lot of things.

1) i never knew tht i wud became a victim of herd mentality. tht turned out to be a huge mistake. Instead of standing along somebody i care abt, i chose to be in a group. A group that i didnt want to be with in the first place. I chose that because, if i hadnt, i wud have been alone. But for a little thing like that, i let down somebody of a great importance to me. someone who knew that i wud stand along with her. I am very very sorry for doing tht.

2) i came to know about the true nature of a lot of people. And, after that, the list of people i trust has been shortened. i have started trustin people less and less. I now know who talks behind somebody's back, and who doesnt. I know about fake egos, and true egos.

Anywyas, it turned out to be an eventful trip... an it wud be recorded as a sad memory in my hard disk..

Bye

My attempts at poetry

This is supposed to be a tale of a brave warrior, who fights a valiant battle, eager to go home. But when he reaches home, he finds that everything that belonged to him is destroyed.


Standing in the battlefield,
(with) a long sword and a brnze shield,
he thought,
oh death! i shall defy you, if you seek me,
for i have to go home, home to my lovely bride
i shall keep leving for her,
i shall fight you, if you may come

with this thought, he battled on,
cutting through the enemy, putting fear into their minds,....


to be continued..

(It sounds like a desperate attempt at rhyming words)

Depression is addictive, they say

I have heard somebody say this, or read it somewhere that depression is addictive.
An from my experience, it is.

Why should depression be addictive? it is supposed to be bad, right? wot does a human being gain by being depressed?? as far as i know, no physical soothing, or no comfort, nor physical nor mental. It doesnt offer even a moment's relief, like say cigarette, or a drink (Not that i have experienced these). So, wot does depression have in it that makes it so addictive??

And as usual, i started a wild journey of random thoughts, an it struck me.

When u r depressed, u tend to be alone, lonely (atleast i do).. u try to avoid human contact, especially if the people around you are ready to judge you, or comment unnecessarily, or plain irritating. An by doing so, (called as being depressed), you are actually giving yourself time. This is a much needed thing, an which has become a bit rare nowadays. And because we are relieved by giving ourselves time, we tend to repeat that. Sorta like, we try to be in the company we like... Depression becomes addictive when we like our own company, and according to me it is completely justified (not tht i need to). But i think being depressed has nothing to do with being happy. I can be happy and depressed (the classical definition) at the same time, most of the times i am that way.

Especially chai, and nobody to talk to is like a bliss in the current times. it gives me time to reflect upon things i hv done, to think about a days events. To think!


bye

Raindrops keep falling on my head

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me


-Song by B J Thomas


So simple, yet so hard!