Sour Grapes

Hello,
i m back again after a long time.. had nothing to write..

I remember tht story about the fox who wanted to eat grapes off the vine, but they were too high, so he decides tht he doesnt want those anymore cause they are sour.

I cant help thinking whether my condition is like tht.. say i have two options, one is out of question, (well then y is it an option at all?, but still) and the other one, i dont know whether there is any way if i chose that one..
So i m thinking of both of them as sour grapes... why?

Because it is comforting? probably i m weak enough to not face the facts.. Am i missing out on something? or is it just better that way.

Life somehow becomes a bit easy (in the present) if i chose not to take any one of them.. but is it necessarily better for my future? i cant decide.. so am i better off thinking the grapes are sour? or should i think about the future too?

See, this is an issue where i cant predict the consequences of any of my actions.. and previous experience has taught me that there are grave consequences of the smallest actions.. but if i cant predict the repercussions, which choice to make? or defy both? because even not taking any choice is itself a choice, and that has its own effects...

So if i cant predict, what should i do? i m confused thoroughly..
so currently sour grapes seem attractive!!

The butterfly effect??

Hello people,

i am back after a long time. this blogging had become redundant for me, an i was losing the effect of that.. so took a break from that.. now i m back..
I have experienced a huge change in life over the past few months, an sure as hell its gonna affect my exams.. adversely.
When i look back at the last semester (being a student, the unit of time for me is a semester), i say to myself, what did i gain and wot did i lose.. well a lot of things both ways..

Lets review the last semester (This is a critical point in the blog, those who want to stop reading, stop right here...)..

It began very well.. i developed new habits of jogging and blogging.. i was reading stuff, books, papers, with a great interest, my thought process was continually running.. then i got my laptop, these reading etc things were even faster and better now.. life seemed well-set.. no hassles, i was sure that i was on the right track..

Then the road became bumpy and bumpier.. dont know why.. may be because i paid too much attention in wots the effect of other people on me.. i should have been detached.. i was in the beginning.. but i got entagled into mess everywhere.. that was my own foolishness.. i paid too much attention to my heart, than my brain.. i did a lot of talking - waste of course... and soon my academics suffered.. i started losing interest in the course work.. i got rejected at several places for summer training and i realized that i m nowhere.. i am a succesful nobody

then just when i thought that the road is getting better, i hit a roadblock.. my life suddenly was turned to black.. that was when the whole delhi trip happened.. i lost all the respect for myself.. an believe me there is nothing worse than that.. it sorta eats you from the inside.. the delhi trip really exposed my flaws, my own weakness.. and the greatest weakness of all was that i allowed myself to be weak..

After the trip, i set my feelings aside, and started afresh.. caught on with my course work.. i was working at a good pace.. and i knew if i stopped, it would take me a long time to get back on my feet.. but was i wary?.. i was.. but i still stopped.. knowing that it would be detrimental.. i still stopped..

when i stopped.. i became the rabbit in the race.. i stopped in the hope of something, i faced rejection there too.. an believe me, that was bad.. i not only became the loser rabbit, but a roasted one... now the song black made sense .. it made all the sense..

I suffered losses everywhere.. my exams were bad.. my mental and physical state worsened.. and my depressions no longer remained times-with-my-own-self ... they were real depressions.. mental and physical.. and they proved to be addictive, once again exposing my weak self.. i never regained the lost respect, instead i lost it further more.. then i wrote the stupid post 'the awakening'.. it turned out to be very prematurely written.. that wasnt my real awakening.. thses things arent like that.. i cant face that much of a change overnight.. it has to be gradual..

But even after that, the road wasnt much worse.. it was better than wot i had before.. but it got better... now its much better.. i am experiencing the real awakening.. i am scientifically more active, indulging in other things than my own stupid thoughts.. did a great summe training.. so i m much more on the track.. so lets say i m better off now..

but i still know that i am goin to experience the consequences of the last semester.. they are gonna be bad.. but i am raedy to face them.. I know the real meaning of the term 'the butterfly effect'..

The awakening

Exams over!! finally.. well almost over..
lots of stuff has passed by... lots of stuff has gone theu my mind, some of it is still left..
I ask, y do people have feelings if they are not gonna come true one day? wot is a feeling?? specific stoichiometric combination of neurotransmitters firing at specific places? hehe..
No no.. no boring stuff here in this blog..

SO, after the boredom is over, i am all fired up for a change in my daily life.. so new morning comes...

Jus awaking from the slumber... and deep sleep...
Let there be new light !! .. amen

Black

Hey...oooh...
Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn

Ooh and all I taught her was everything
Ooh I know she gave me all that she wore

And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything

I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by Some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear

Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head I'm spinning
Oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away...

And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures had
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything

All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see
All that I am All I'll be...
Yeah Uh huh...uh huh...ooh...

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a sun In somebody else's sky
But why Why Why can't it be
Why can't it be mine (not sure?)





This is a song called Black by Pearl Jam which i hv been listenin to pretty frequently for some days...

Purpose of life

Why do we live in the particular way? what is it that we live for? what is the PURPOSE of what we do?? what is the purpose of life??

As quoted by Agent Smith, the purpose of life is to END.. but i dont agree.... if life was supposed to end an only end, why was it created in the first place? that cant be the purpose of life, the meaning of life itself is contradictory to its purpose.. so to end cant be the purpose of life... if its purpose is to end, it doesnt have a purpose....

But then, if ending is not connected with the purpose of life, why is it so crucial that a life has to end, it absolutely has to.. if to end is not its purpose, why does a life end at all?

i think the purpose of life is to exist.. to exist, to survive... and to survive for what??
the answer is Self-Respect.. weird?? wrong?? confusing?? maybe true?? absolutely bullshit?? makes some sense??

But yeah, i think we live for self respect.. atleast i do... i wont do anything that wud hurt my self respect.. i shudnt be made to look down upon myself... i shudnt feel that i m letting myself down.. i shudnt do anything that makes me fall in my own sight... thats wot i live for...

i live to preserve my self respect.. i agree i have done stuff b4 which contradicted all this... but i now know wot my purpose of existence is... and i will try to live up to that purpose.. to preserve my self respect...

But then i ask... 'The purposeof life is to preserve self respect' sounds fancy.. we are humans, we have a conscious acknowledgement of self respect.. do the lower organisms have smtn like that?.. they dont have a capacity to acknowledge smtn as self respect... but then they way they live is itself their self respect.. i have heard somewhere that tigers never eat animals which are not killed by them.. is it not a form of self respect?? nature has given them that way.. u may think its stupid an there must be a scientific reason behind that... but thats wot i think...


so finally i have reached a conclusion in a blog.. (desnt happen much).. but i have quoted here:

'The purpose of life is to exist and exist in such a way so as to preserve the self respect'


One day, this wud be cited somewhere as thoughts of great ppl... ;).. an i wud proudly give lectures on this.. (goin off too high am i??)..

anyways think about it... whoever reads this, i wud like comments...

confusion and chaos

This is about confusion... i m a very confused human being... even in simple things i get confused... i am emotionally confused most of the times, so i feel wot i want to feel... i am confused about the future, about my future of course... but then i still manage to find some sense out of it... i see sense in it when many people still think that its confusing...

i am confused but i am never chaotic... i do things systematically at times... i can be very organized at times... but at the core, i am confused... but not chaotic...

i never knew the true meaning of chaos... i still dont know it... i think it has smtn to do with finding some kind of regularity in very random things... now if u ask, how can there be a regularity if its chaotic?.. but i really dont know the meaning.. i jus looked it up... it says the chaotic system appears random due to its sensitivity to initial conditions, ansd some exponential relationship an blah blah blah.. its smtn like, it is always deterministic, but it always appears random....

but then i guess i m chaotic... (see... i m confused..).. cuz even tho i appear confused, random, i m not...
so again a confusing blog i have written.. but try to see some sense in it... cuz there is... an if u find out, tell me also, so i wud know ;)

पाउस

मला आज पाउस पडावा असं वाटत आहे
पाउस... खूप दिवसांनी पडेल असं वाटत आहे... पाउस पडून सगलं धुतलं जावं ... सर्व साफ व्हावं असं वाटते...
the hindi typing on this is too slow... so i will write in english.. i want the rain... i want the rain to wash down everything... wash the past off... let me start a new future... new beginning... but how many times have i wanted this.. everytym something happens to my mood, i cant ask for a new beginning... blues come and go.. i cant ask for the rain everytime... i have to know how to survive without raining... why should i need the rain to wash off my past.. no, i do not need the rain for that, i m able to do it myself, thank you.. thanks for the rain, but no thanks...

and instead of wasting my time writing stupid stuff in blog, i will rather study now, i have a shit load of work, i havent studied at all this sem, so goodbye... will study now..