The HeLLBouND files

A fine meshwork

2011-08-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

Hello,

It has been a long time since i have blogged. Largely because i have been busy in multiple things over the past months and i have not found a blog-worthy topic.

This is going to be a commentary (a rather opinionated one) largely on governance of India and the aspect of redundancy of governing institutions.

India is the largest democracy in the world and by being so, it incorporates the classic framework of democratic governance. I am talking about the the multiple overlapping branches of governance. There is the parliament with the upper and lower houses, there is the cabinet which is designated by the ruling party/alliance. There is the president (who, in Indian system does not have very strong powers except that of declaring emergencies). There is the judiciary who is appointed by the parliament. There is the police and the armed forces. In addition to this, there are independent bodies such as RAW, CBI, the election commission etc.

The most important reason why these work together in a democratic setting is the overlap and the redundancy among these institutions. Neither one of the above-mentioned institutions are singularly powerful over others. I.e. there is not one single body which does not have any interference (for a lack of a better word) from another. This is the key to having these work together in harmony. I should mention here that under conditions of Martial law, the president and the armed forces do become supremely powerful. But that's an exception.

The reason i am mentioning this redundancy is because of the recent events that have occurred in India about the so called 'Jan Lokpal Bill'. I am a novice in reading about bills and laws etc etc. But what i gathered from the Jan Lokpal Bill (JLB) is that the institution of Lokpal that people want created will end up having an absolute power over all the other institutions. And in my opinion, that will not be a good thing. Not that i am saying that the Govt Lokpal Bill is great. They are trying to give the Lokpal as few powers as possible in order to avoid scrutiny. But i think that JLB is aiming to create an absolute governance body. And that is undesirable.

The reason i said that redundancy is critical, is the fact that if there was one absolute institution, that can rise in power and become an effective dictatorship. Whereas, in a democracy, the only institution that can and should control governance is the people. So if the ultimate effective governance is from the people, then a question of dictatorship does not arise (unless there is a revolution). Another problem with having an absolute body is that, if that body becomes corrupt, then there is no stopping that. Take the example of the Nazis. The Nazis were in the beginning true to their name 'National socialist party'. But, because they were allowed to have an absolute power, Hitler could use that and turn the government into a dictatorship.

JLB is petitioning to create the Lokpal which will have jurisdiction over all other institutions. If the Lokpal becomes corrupt tomorrow, then all the other institutions will be under its control, which will make the system deviate from a true democracy, so i think that JLB as it is should not be passed. However, if created, the Lokpal will be a fresh institution and will prove to be effective in stemming corruption, as long as it does not have absolute power. Which brings me to my next point.

One of the caveats of the 'meshwork' of the democratic governance is that it is inherently prone to spreading corruption. Imagine a network of tubes filled with water. If you add a drop of ink to one of the nodes, it eventually spreads to the entire network. And such is our system. But then how will the Lokpal be effective? It will be effective by manipulating the same caveat. Now imagine a network of tubes filled with ink. Add a node full of bleach to it. The bleach from that node will spread throughout and start clearing the entire network. This is a very crude analogy, but in this case, the bleach will be the intent and anti-corruption activities of the public. So in my simple analogy, as long as there is a constant supply of bleach to this meshwork, the result should be effective clearance of ink.

The beauty of our governance system is that each node can be influenced by any other node without existence of a direct connection. To borrow a quote from a completely unrelated movie (Those of you who are avid fans, will recall), this is the system's greatest strength and the greatest weakness.

I shall end this post by urging all Indians to think objectively about what the JLB is proposing and also to not blindly follow it just because you want to steam off the anti-corruption emotions.

Music to my ears

2011-04-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hello,

In about a month (in fact, less than), i will take my oral qualifying exams. I have to submit a 10-page proposal by end of the month, and about week after that, i have to defend it in front of my committee. Well, its a big exam (in some ways actually more important than your actual thesis defence).

Anyway, the point is that i am doing everything but study for the exam. Mundane things like looking for apartments, labwork and cleaning the kitchen seem much more exciting than studying. But i think progressively i am getting better at preparing for the exam. One of the things which is helping me get through the boredom of this is, of course, music.

Never has Pink Floyd been more appealing to my brain than now. Like I mentioned in the post 'Brain Damage' is becoming one of top 10 floyd songs for me. Ironically, 'Comfortably Numb' is one of the few being played the most. 'Stairway to heaven' and 'Whole lotta love' are reminding me of the sheer brilliance of Led Zeppelin. The Beatles with their 'A day in life', 'While my guitar gently weeps' and 'Come together' are adding to the harmony. These songs along with The Rolling Stones 'Stuck in the middle with you' and some southern swagger of Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Free bird' are helping me forget the pain that this exam is. To add icing on the cake, Jimi Hendrix with 'Foxy lady' and 'All along the watchtower' and momentary change of tracks with some Aerosmith and Guns 'n Roses is satisfying my ears.

The point being, once again, its classic rock which is helping me concentrate on my work (Well if you call it concentration if i blog randomly in the middle of reading a paper). Just wanted to write about the awesomeness of classic rock. To end this blog, I am going to use those immortal words by AC/DC.

"For those about to rock, We salute you"

Keep rockin'

My poems to her

2011-04-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

The beginning

On the hilltop he waited
Every shadow he saw
Every footstep he heard
He waited eagerly for her

And then she came
Her hair flowing in the wind
Her eyes glowing
She told him 'The wait is over'

She brought colors
He brought paper
And thus it began
The art without borders

Cushion

When the shoulders are tired
And the burden is too much

When the world is against you
And obstacles as such

Hold my hand and walk with me
I will be your crutch

To guide you or to support you
Even if all you need is just a touch

Sunshine

On a cold morning,
Full of fog and mist
Waiting at the street corner

Walking ahead,
With your hand in mine, I know
Sunshine is around the corner

The spark

The spark that was,
It still is,
Hidden under a layer of clouds
Like a lightning waiting

The clouds that are,
They won't be
Light can not hide for long
Through the fog it will shine

The seasons that change,
They will
Guised as a spark
Breaking the monotony

Revisiting Pink Floyd

2011-04-04T18:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a long time since i wrote anything. I think the last post was in August of last year. 7 months with a writer's block.

A lot has happened (as always, one might say) in these last 7 months. Ups and downs as usual. In fact, i think i got so used to ups and downs, i stopped thinking of these as special events. Hence nothing to overcome my writer's block.

So why now? Well, no reason. Just that it feels like somehow the block has passed.

I am here in lab, deciding topics for my orals, reading a bunch of papers and listening to music. Of course you must have guessed by now, i am listening to Pink Floyd. Well, true and false. I am listening to the Pandora Station 'Wish you were here'. Its mainly Pink Floyd, Led Zep and other favourite bands of mine.

I was listening to 'Brain Damage' by floyd and ironically, at the same time i had the inspiration to write. So to acknowledge that song, i am going to quote a few lines from that song.

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

Ok, so revisiting Pink Floyd seems to have done the trick. Hopefully now that i have posted something, i will keep on writing.

See you on the next post.
So long.

Vindication

2010-10-17T09:05:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have read my last poem, 'defeat', it was about science defeating me in the battle. However i didnt lose hope and kept on fighting. And it paid off.

When i wrote the poem, i had just come across yet another failed experiment, the same one for which i have been trying to get a positive result since an year ago. But last week, i finally got it. And that is vindication for me...

That also reminded me why i am in science. The exhilaration i experienced after looking at that piece of gel was exactly the thing i was fighting for. One small gel at the end of the day and that relieved the stress i was going through for the last few months. That is what science is about. I always like saying this 'If everything works for the first time, then a paper would be written in 6 months. But behind every figure in a paper, there are atleast a few failed experiments'. I experienced this firsthand. It is the one experiment which works and kicks off a whole series of further experiments that one always hopes for.

So with that feeling in mind, i am writing this, not only to remind myself of this in future when i am struggling to get experiments working, but also for my fellow men and women who have taken the challenge of science.

At the same time, as i said in my poem, science is saying to me 'You may have won the battle, but not yet the war'

So long

Defeat

2010-09-09T21:06:00.001-07:00

I lay down my weapons today
Sweat on brow and blood on sword
In front of the familiar foe
Reminding me how much it cost

My eyes flaming, matching his,
With vengeance in mind I tell him,
"I might have lost the battle,
But the war is not yet lost"

Life out of a laundry basket

2010-09-09T21:01:00.001-07:00

You can't tell the difference between new and clean clothes and old and muddled clothes when you live life out of a laundry basket.

-This thought is inspired and contributed to by Ragini

Happy Independence Day

2010-08-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day

I am writing this blog as we all celebrate 63rd anniversary of the India's independence.

As the day goes on and i read various facebook statuses, including mine, i am thinking... And i can't help notice a few things.

I know a lot of people who have come here to the US to study or to work. I know some of them will go back to India, most of them will end up staying here - on a green card and get a citizenship eventually. And they will be good American citizens and will go back to India once a year to visit their family. Now i don't see anything wrong with that - it's a personal choice.

If you ask me whether i want to do that? My answer right now is: No. Don't get me wrong, i like living in the states, the material comforts, the individual freedom. But i still want to go back.

I came here to do a PhD.. why didn't i stay in India? Because the opportunities there were limited and i wanted to make myself better at research and start a career in science in a place where they are not limited. So i came to the US. Did i find my dreams coming true? Yes, i joined a university and a lab where i can do the research i want, without a lot of obligations and limitations. I enjoy the freedom, i enjoy the healthy competition, i enjoy the opportunities.

Now ask me why i want to go back when i know i will be "downgrading" from these if i go back. The answer is: I moved to the US because i saw a potential to freely express my scientist side. But what about other kids in India who couldn't? I went to a place to seek something from a place lacking it. Why shouldn't i bring it back to my home? I am going to go back and eventually have an institute of my own, where i will give my students the same opportunities, the same freedom as i found.

When i see people commenting on the system being screwed up, and thats why they are staying back in the US, i always shake my head. I think, if you are so critical of the system, why not try and change it? Not everyone has to change it by being a politician, or being an IAS/IPS officer. Not everyone has to get sucked into the system. Why can't everyone think of one area they want to improve and work on it?

E.g. I was not satisfied with the science-research system in India, so after gaining some experience in both science and scientific culture, i want to go back and instil some of the positive values i learned into the Indian system.

Well, this is just food for thought. The question I am asking is:

'Do you want to be a deserter and escape from sufferings of your fellow men; or do you want to be Prometheus who brought fire to the mankind'

The wait

2010-08-11T23:03:00.001-07:00

The wait,
Like the long road before you reach home;
You can see the city lights, but from far
Yet you yearn to go faster..

The wait,
Knowing very well that time doesn't
Hoping that it will go like a shooting star,
Yet the heart beats for her..

The wait,
Distance makes hearts grow fonder
They say, and even though you are far,
Love will never wither..

The wait,
You keep wondering when is the time
One last time, to turn around that sand-jar,
Till it's almost over

Evanescent

2010-07-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

You vanish everytime i reach out, giving just a faint glimpse
Just like the brush of lips before a fleeting kiss
Every glance i try to steal, further you move away, but i look everywhere
Every hint i send, you defy it, but i know you are there somewhere
Oh ever-evading one, please have mercy and show thyself,
So that i can connect and log-in myself

This is a poem inspired by the flaky wi-fi at Dubai airport.

Home

2010-06-30T23:31:00.001-07:00

A new place in a new world
A place to hold on to
A place to come back to
A silent refuge
A social hub
A consolation in the dark
A celebration of light
A quiet relaxation
A flurry of excitement
A harbor of thought
A sink for grief
A bed to crash on
A bed to be sleepless on
A place that i owned
A place i called home

This is a tribute to Weyburn Terrace, Cypress court Apt 404, my apartment in Los Angeles for the last almost 2 years. It was my first home here and will always have a place in my heart.

Goodbye

2010-06-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I am writing after a long time today. I have been in LA for more than a year and half. There is a Starbucks Cafe across the street (or down the hill as i like to call it). One and half years, and i never sat there just for myself.

Back in India, the canteen on the terrace of the bioinformatics center building used to be my spot. I have sat there countless times and that places has spawned more blogs than any other. I have always thought well with a cup of tea (or in the US, a cup of coffee). May be it is the tea/coffee or just that i am sitting in a place by myself and introspecting. But to remind myself of that, I am sitting here today at Starbucks Cafe with a pen and a notepad and i am writing what ever is coming to my mind.

One would think that it is the peace that is invoking thoughts in my brain. Ironically, i couldn't have chosen any place worse than this. This Starbucks is right next to the Fox theater in Westwood. The Fox theater is famous for movie premiers. Yes, with red carpet and celebrities. Today they are premiering 'The Karate Kid' and allegedly, Will Smith, Jackie Chan and a few other celebrities are here. So, getting back to the point, at this time the place has loud, talkative fans eager to catch a glimpse of their favorite celebrity. There are black-clothed security persons with stern looks on their faces, but at the same time having a good chat with coworkers. There are swarms of students walking by, it is the finals week. And to add on to that, i am blasting Iron Maiden through my newly acquired earphones. (The only thing missing here is the loud anti-bible screams of my favorite homeless guy).

You would ask me why i chose such a place for seeking peace of mind. And i say, i don't know, it doesn't probably matter. Peace of mind is something that can be attained irrespective of acoustic peace.

Dr. Asim Dasgupta (a prof here at UCLA) once told us that if one wants peace of mind, one should focus on the gap between two thoughts. When a though passes and a new one comes to mind, there is a brief gap in which there is no thought at all. If one focuses on that gap, one can attain peace. For me, that state would be harder to attain if there are external distractions around me.

I think the reason i get peace here, amidst all that is occurring around me is precisely that a lot is occurring around me. It is the state of having too much to potentially think about. Almost like a rainbow-colored wheel of fortune. When still, it shows all the colors. But when i spins, it appears white. My mind seems to attain peace by focusing on nothing particular what so ever.

So, i attempt to break my writer's block by writing this short "blurt", sitting at my favorite Starbucks, drinking cafe latte, listening to Iron Maiden and occasionally looking at the Fox theater to see if i can get a glimpse of Jada Pinkett-Smith.

Hence goes the writer's block

So long.

p.s. I did not get to see Jada Pinkett-Smith, although i did see Will Smith and their kid Jaden.

Pichle saat dino me v2.0

2010-03-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, now i am a big fan of parodies, given that i like to write them. But i am slightly varying that and writing my own version of a song 'Pichle saat dino me' from the movie 'Rock on'.

And please keep in mind that all of that is true ! [may be not the chronological order and may be 7 days +/- 2, but hey, since i am a scientist, i am allowed that much SD]

Pichle saat dino me - v2.0

"

mera grocery ka ek bill,
ek ganda hua towel
ek aunty ka phone number
bekar pada ek paper

mere haat se racquet ka swing
mera ek pipet ka ring
pichle saat dino me maine khoya,
kabhi khudpe hasa mai, mostly roya

na na, na na na, na na, na na na

present mili ek kettle
nahi thi koi better
meri jeb se ek sachet
meri raincoat ki jacket

do seminar ke classes
mere purane spare glasses
pichle saat dino me maine khoya,
kabhi khudpe hasa mai, mostly roya

na na, na na na, na na, na na na

kaise bhulu, saatva jo din aaya
kisi ne mujhse facs machine cheen liya
kaisa din tha, jis din maine ek bhi galat kaam nahi kiya tha

mai jo khilaa pehli baar, maine janaa luck hai yaar
maine hosh bhi khoya, josh bhi khoya,
kabhi khudpe hasa mai, mostly roya,

maine pichle saat dino me yeh sab hai khoya
"

Forgive me, the crew of Rock on.

The mind wonders

2010-03-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

"मन चिंती ते वैरी न चिंती"

Have you ever wondered how our mind can think of the most un-thinkable things? Each and everyone of us has some morals, some set of values that we try our best to live by. But everyone has had thoughts at one point of time which were so against our morals that we wondered 'how could i even think of that'. Have you ever wondered that why our mind can produce so conflicting a stream of thoughts?

Mind is like a canvas - it will take up any color. At the same time, it has the ability to erase any color it wants. We 'paint' the canvas with beliefs and ideas, but it can be wiped clean even in a single moment. And nothing else but the mind itself does it. A person can lose their beliefs in a second. A person can lose faith in some concept, e.g. faith in god, in one second. A person can lose years' worth of trust in a second. All it takes for such things is one thought by their mind. At the same time, it can only take a second to build new faith / rebuild trust.

Our mind is a strange thing. I say thing because mind is not living. Surely, it is our brain cells etc, but it is the abstract that generates from them, not the actual living entities. It is the software, not the hardware. But it has so profound a control on our hardware that its hard to tell the difference. But i digress.

I remember a story about king Asoka. He was a great mauryan king who ruled a large part of southeast asia. He ruled it by the mighty and ruthless force. On the battlefield in the war of kalinga, he saw death that he brought to his fellow men and at that moment, something inside him broke down and he swore onto a life of non-violence by following a buddhist way of life. This story illustrates the great power of mind. The same mind, which had developed a huge dam of thoughts for Asoka. The same mind that made him a great king, a conqueror and a great warrior. The same mind that made him choose the complete opposite way of life in one moment. It has such great power, ironically not only on ourselves but on our fellow human beings too.

"Mind is a terrible master, but a wonderful servant" - Robin Sharma in 'The monk who sold his ferrari'

Couldn't have been said more aptly. Mind is in fact a terrible master. Of course the example above illustrates that. I am sure all of us have experienced this sometime. Our minds control us, but how many times have you been disappointed with yourself for not making a choice. So many times it happens that our mind acts in such a way that we intentionally make the wrong choices. Sure, we have 'inner voices' telling us what is wrong and what is not. But who are those afterall, figments of our mind ! It is the mind who is acting against itself, sometimes i wonder why? Could it be that, without something like that, mind's own existence will become obsolete?

This reminds me of 'Lord of the flies' - an amazing piece of work. Such beautifully written but a horrifyingly natural concept. The behavior of those children on the island was nothing but a terrible interplay of minds. Mind being a terrible master, guided the kids to be 'lords of flies'.

I was talking to R [i am borrowing her idea of initials] after watching the movie 'Shutter island' about beliefs and psyche in general. And we were saying that a lot of things we believe in are nothing but our mind's imagination. The whole concept of religion is one of them. What is religion and why do we believe in it? Isn't it a concept that our mind either creates or accepts? When i say someone is very religious and monotheistic, that only means that their mind has accepted the concept of monotheism as a reality. Reality is what our mind makes up - our perception.

Which brings us to the mind being a great slave part. Our mind makes a slave out of itself. When people devote themselves to something, it is exactly that. When i say that i am 100% devoted to something and i can only think about that, i am training my mind to exactly the same thing. Or rather, my mind is training itself to do that. The last 'ashram' of a man's life - sanyasashram [संन्यासाश्रम] is nothing but a time period devoted to clearing off the mind and train it to prepare to cease its own existence. How thoughtful of the mind i say.

So here i am writing about mind. Or shall i say my own mind writing about itself and its fellow minds?

I shall end this post with a quote from Ozzy Osbourne [to put it entirely out of context]
'Of all the things i have lost, i miss my mind the most'

Go on, let your minds wonder...

[image courtesy haironi_91 via photobucket]

Growing up / growing old

2010-03-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I have been feeling quite strange the last few months. I think its a part of growing up. I see the things around me, i see my friends going through good and bad times. I see people interact with each other. It is a good place to observe. But more than anything else, i feel that i am finally growing up, even growing old.

The days spent at the University, making jokes, or worrying about stupid problems, or even doing nothing what so ever - seem to be distant past. The carefree-ness that was all i had, is slowly receding. Now i keep thinking of the future, the responsibilities. I see people around me facing choices and making them. And i can't resist thinking about what i would do if i was in their situation - even about how if i would make that choice, it might affect future.

If anyone asked me a couple of years ago - 'what do you want to do after the Ph.D.?' - my answer would have been easy and simple - 'a post-doc, in Europe'. Now its not the case. Don't think that my answer has changed fundamentally. But it has all these added clauses to it now. 'a post-doc, may be in Europe, may be back in India - depends on what happens - whether i am single or not; depends on what happens in the next 2-3 years'. And as better-thought that is, it also freaks me out a bit. That means i am growing up / growing old. There was a day last year, when i cut my hair [which were 18 inches long that time and i used to tie a ponytail] - and i told myself 'nah, you are not getting too old for that, just that you are annoyed by the maintenance' - while inside, secretly, i knew that there was a part of me which thought that growing my hair is a bit juvenile and may be i am getting old for that. But i tried to shun that fact.

Now, after a year, after a lot has passed. I can not help but think about the responsibilities. That i have to go back to India, take care of my parents and sister, my whole joint family. That i have to start a family of my own. That i have to prep myself to get married one day, and have children. That i have to start a career in science and make it successful.

Reading books on philosophy, or books with profound philosophy behind them, i always thought about my values and morals. But spare a few times, i didn't have to face a stringent test of my morals or my values. I started realizing that now it is going to be the true test of those. Not that i am scared of that, but i realize that - perhaps i am getting older.

My first year in US, i was quite carefree about money - enjoying myself and spending quite a lot - sometimes on useless things. But now, after going through a few crises, i have started putting a bit more thought in that. Things like - i should always have enough for a trip to India, for good or god-forbid bad reasons. I have started becoming pro-active towards saving.

So, all these things that i keep thinking - they do make me feel older. Perhaps it is time to grow up - but do i want to lose that carefree-ness that i had / still have? Or do i want to cherish it, albeit as past, and move on and look forward to the responsibilities as new challenges that will test me?

Well, time will decide. After all, Benjamin Button was only a fictional character.

So long.

At Crossroads

2010-02-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

Vast network of roads

Some well trodden
Some less travelled
Some wide and smooth
Some narrow and bumpy

Each intersection is a choice
Each intersection leads to another
Each intersection decides the journey
Each intersection decides the end

Here i am at crossroads again
The road i choose will be my fate
Looking back at the network
Tracing my path i contemplate

Here i am at crossroads again
Afterall, the end is all the same

Peace II

2010-02-01T06:03:00.001-08:00

The road is still quiet
Clear blue sky
A lone white cloud
Shiny grey road
Same car parked
Same eucalyptus scent
Scattered ashes of a cigarette
Fallen leaves
A tiny ray of sun
Seeping through the trees
It is dawn
And the road is still quiet

Peace

2010-01-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

The road is quiet
Patches of dry tar
Patches of clear sky
A faint scent of eucalyptus
Dim streetlamp
A lone man stands
Peacefully smoking
Occasional puff of smoke
Content with himself
Looking at the sky
A parked car
As though sleeping
To wake up at dawn
And break the spell
But for now,
The road is quiet

Phoenix

2010-01-15T00:53:00.001-08:00

Walking on a lonely road

Patches of dark, without streetlamps

A cemetery beckons

Ghastly silence hinting at his fate

He keeps on walking

An act of defiance

Though in his mind he knows

That the battle is already lost

The graveyard smirks

"Telling him that one day, you shall come to me

And that is inevitable"

But he throws his head back and laughs,

"You think its surrender?

Its a brave man's battle, fought hard

With head held high and glory at helm

You shall take me for now,

But from the ashes i shall rise again".

Doodles

2010-01-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

Paper in my hand,
A want to write my mind out
I look for the pen,
And something to write about

Aimless words,
Little sense they seem to make
Aimless thoughts,
About this world, real and fake

Why fake i say,
Reality is what i see around me
Why write i say,
The thoughts belong to only me

Pointless rhymes,
My thoughts do wander away
But write i do,
To say what i want to say

So, this is the cure for my itch,
A few words
Out of my pen and on my paper.

तदेव लग्नं

2009-12-31T20:01:00.000-08:00

तदेव लग्नं सुदिनं तदेव , ताराबलं चन्द्रबलं तदेव, विद्याबलं दैवबलं तदेव, लक्ष्मिपते तेङ्ग्रियुगं स्मरामि

This is the shloka that is spoken at almost each religious custom. What it means [crudely] is:
'It is the sacred moment, it is a good day, it has all the power of the moon and the stars [astrological], it has all the power of knowledge and fate when i think of your feet, oh lord Vishnu'

So by saying this we proclaim that we are investing all the power of stars, the moon, knowledge and fate at the sacred moment. And whatever we will start at this moment will have the power with it. This is said in a wedding, in a 'munj' and in a 'vastushant' and every such ceremony.

I became fascinated with this shloka during my cousin's wedding. The reason i became fascinated with it because i liked the tone of finality associated with it. It strongly asserts that as of this moment, every material power is with us, and the only thing required now is for us to use our will power and make right whatever we are embarking upon.

In a wedding, it asserts to the bride and the groom that 'now that you have all of the power invested in you, it is up to you two and only you two to make the wedding succesful'.
In a munj it tells the munja that 'now that you have all of the power invested in you, it is up to you and only you to make sure that you successfully complete your education in your 'brahmacharyashram' and be ready to enter 'gruhasthashram''.

So i guess what it says is that it is up to us to make our journey successful assuming that every material power is with us. It also tells us a strange thing - that we dont need a sacred moment to embark upon something - we make this moment sacred by chanting this shloka. The reason this is strange is because we always find the exact sacred moment - muhurta - for a wedding / munj etc.

This is brings me back to my new years post of 2007 - that why we need a special day. It is a motivation thing - i think finding an appropriate 'muhurta' is for making the moment special - for motivating us to start whatever we want to start. This shloka makes the muhurta redundant by proclaiming that we make whatever moment we want into a muhurta. And that is why this one fascinates me.

This tells me that we shouldn't rely on stellar support - shouldn't rely on fate to do anything. We must assume that while travelling on the road ahead, we have full support of these things - stars and moon, knowledge and fate - and that the rest in only in our hands. And if anything goes wrong - we must bear the responsibility of it - because its only because our own doing and not the fault of stars.

I have always said this while giving advice to people and tried to follow it myself - in a situation, all we can worry about are the things that are in our control - the rest, which is beyond our control, we should not worry about because there is not a thing we can do about it. This shloka tell me exactly that.

I have been pondering over this for a while - the powerful message which the shloka delivers. So i choose this moment to publish my thoughts and hope that they enlighten me and others.

तदेव लग्नं सुदिनं तदेव , ताराबलं चन्द्रबलं तदेव, विद्याबलं दैवबलं तदेव, लक्ष्मिपते तेङ्ग्रियुगं स्मरामि

A travelers log

2009-12-31T08:40:00.000-08:00

Hello,
I am back after a long time - its almost time for my new years blog. So rather than having some arcane philosophical discussion, i am going to transcribe a travel-log here.

This is the log i wrote - yes, in a notebook - during my journey from LA to Pune and back. I have transcribed it word to word - including the spelling mistakes - my comments while transcribing it are colored grey.

The journey begins - LA to Pune

-Travel log 12/2 or 2/12 now that i am going back to India
-Long wait at the airport with expensive [3X of normal] food
-Long call with Santya
-Very long struggle to call Deepti @ Malaysia
-Pretty air-hostesses .. warmest service so far
-Announcement in Hindi 'देवियों और सज्जनों ' - first feel of homeland !
-Disappointment at finding out that there is no power outlet
-No stupid safety demos.. instead a corny video with a pretty air-hostess
-Reading light not focusing on my seat
-Bye Bye LA through the window
-Stupidity -- decide that the seat doesnt go all the way down -- tell an airhostess -- she tells me that there is a different button for that :P
-Complimentary OJ/AJ/Water -- [here i have written a word which i cant decipher]
-Complimentary beer !
-Malaysian airlines -- best so far [except the announcements in some asian language] -- [i didnt realize it was malysian :P]
-Watching Half Blood Price -- didnt even know the movie was out
-So far the journey is really good -- sitting next to a a very nice family
-Met a girl @ airport -- Speech therapist -- we got talking a bit -- reminds me of Richa
-HP and HBP -- why dont they stick to the book?
-I smell fish
-Too many announcements during the movie
-Movie boring
-Nice meal -- wine with meal, i dont take wine
-Hot tea instead of coffee - sounded similar
-Good long sleep
-Wake up -- potato bun
-Forgot to bring toothbrush and moisturizer
-Watching Ice Age-Dawn of the Dinosaurs
-Good breakfast of scrambled eggs
-Plane movement -- coffee spills
-Found out that the toilets have toothbrushes and toothpaste !
-Land @ Taipei - disembark
-@ Taipei airport -- Duty free stuff too expensive
-1 US$ = 32 Taiwan$
-Back to the plane !
-Again food -- hungry, so will eat anything
-On KL airport
-Found a terminal -- check mail !
-Wait for the girls -- Asha and Aditi to finish their stuff [here i should explain that Aditi is the girl i met at the airport, Asha is one my my friends here who was also taking the same flight -- i didnt know about that earlier]
-Tried calling Deepti -- failed
-Rush to Immigration -- dont want Deepti to wait long
-Talk to a girl -- Laxmi in the imm. line -- she looks charmed by me :P
-Immigration clear -- transit pass
-Eager to meet Deepti -- but cant find her
-Calling her -- cant seem to
-Currency exchange -- 1US$ = 3.32 Ringetts [the actual spelling is Ringitts and the abbreviation is RM]
-Calling Deepti again - cant get through
-Eat at BK -- just for internet access [BK is burger king]
-Last try to contact Deepti - failed
-Go to shuttle stop and take shuttle to hotel
-Nice room -- coffee !! and wifi
-Comp runs on 2% battery for half an hour -- miracle
-Laptop conks off -- realized that there is a power outlet!
-तहान लागल्यावर विहीर खोदने [Suddenly i had an inspiration and started writing in marathi -- forgive me for the errors of transliteration]
- बैग मधे टूथब्रुश मिळाला !
-मस्त आंघोळ केली
-आता उकदतय थोड
-15 km / j [?] अशी पाटी होती
-परतीच विमान
-एअरपोर्ट वर 'Malaysian street food' -- ठीक ठाक होत
-परत आदिती भेटली
-विमानात बसल्या बसल्या झोप

The return journey begins - Pune to LA

-Another round of farewells @ home -- this time its much worse
-Met some of my best friends -- Swati, Rahul, Monica, Nikhil, Richa -- going back atleast with that satisfaction
-Journey to Bombay -- Sumo
-Fell asleep in car -- made the driver sleepy -- not good
-Stop @ Kamat again
-Lot of traffic
-Reach airport
-Took a walk to restroom -- alone
-Some time toe prepare myself for the departure
-Try to remain calm and smile
-Finally in
-Long wait @ counter
-Met everyone at visitors gallery -- made me feel like a prisoner visiting his relatives thru a meshed window
-Immigration and security done
-Eat a 100Rs sandwich and 100Rs cold coffee
-Making final calls
-Finally boarded -- sit on the wrong seat -- american couple makes me get up -- stupidity of mine
-Sit next to a a guy with 3 kids
-a pretty girl sitting behind me -- she has a sad kind of look
-Think of writing the log [ok, i started writing at this point - so the stuff on the return journey till now is flashback]
-Started reading the LA to Pune log -- got remined [reminded] of reading light -- checked -- does focus on my seat -- no troubles there
-Damn ! my seat is too far from the toilet
-Announcement 'Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls and Enrich members' !
-Again 'देवियों और सज्जनों' -- this time the feeling is of longing
-Free beer again
-Shouldnt have had lime with soda -- stomach acting weird
-White wine with dinner -- not bad
-No coffee with dinner :(
-Watching House
-Slept off
-Landed @ KL -- familiar territory
-Amazing how much the comfort level @ at a place increases [i have drawn an arrow pointing up] once you have been there before
-Malaysian toilets are pretty bad [i wrote worst - and rubbed it off not to be too critical]
-Sitting @ a cafe 'Delifrance' -- apparently french
-Finally some coffee and water
-1US$ = 3.27RM
-डोक्यात विचारांच थैमान सुरु आहे
-मराठीत लिहिल्यामुले अस वाटतय की रोज काहीतरी मराठीतून लिहाव
-Search for chewing gum -- 'दात घासन्याची गोळी'
-Go to a duty free chocolate shop -- no gum
-Go to a pharmacy -- happydent white
-Another security check -- cant take water in -- what a waste
-Guard asks to open bag -- momentary freakout
-Tried calling Deepti again! -- not in service
-Imagined the scene @ immigration in LA -- why am i freaking out?
-लिहायचा मूड नाहीये -- आत्तापर्यंत झोपून होतो
-Landed @ Taipei
-Toilets are cleaner and bigger
-It is cold inside the terminal
-1US$ = almost 38 Taiwan$
-A girl traveling to LA giving me looks -- caught her looking @ me a couple of times
-Parle poppins after ages -- still the same taste
-Same kind of restlessness
- I guess after a year, LA has become 'home away from home' -- Santya's term
-Just realized that i have a habit of keeping a copy of my itin in my left pocket -- i guess useful
-12 more hours to LA
-Set clock @ LA time
-Watching district 9 -- weird movie -- 'alien trans-species prostitution' -- what a horrible concept
-Bumpy ride -- very bumpy
-One bump was so bad that a small plea of forgiveness came to my mind
-The lady sitting next to me is very scared -- holds my hand -- almost crying
-We talk -- she turns out to be facutly @ USC -- works on HIV !
-The world is so small
-Bumps over
-Slept through most of it
-Bored by now -- i thik [think] long flights are useful in killing all the feelings of leaving home
-Almost there in LA
-Finally got coffee ! but the bumps start again
-Watch a corny video of CBP about carrying food
-Immigration and customs cleared -- no probs there
-Waiting for flyaway
-Its raining and its cold
-Journey from warm and sunny Pune to cold and cloudy LA is over
-So long

Phew -- that was a long blog.

Alright, hope its readable and hope you dont fall asleep by the end of it.

So this is it for my new years blog for now - will get back soon - have so many topics to write about.

Happy New Year everyone !

Through one's eyes

2009-12-01T18:36:00.000-08:00

"You see the world being dark when you see it through dark glasses"

I read this saying somewhere, i may not have remembered it accurately, but in essence it is right.

The line talks about one's perception of things. And through experience, some good and some bad, i have come to realize that there is a vast difference between perception and reality ; and most of the times, perception holds more importance over reality.

Take the example of a court case - the evidence is reality , the crime is reality - however, the way the crime is punished [the actual function of the law] is based on perception. In American system, the members of jury decide whether the accused is guilty or not. Its based on their perception of the evidence and the case made by the lawyers. [It is perhaps a great thing that the Indian law - no matter what the actual thing is - has the symbol of the law 'goddess' with a set of scales in her hand and a blindfold over her eyes - to make sure that the justice given is free from the bias of perception]

Perception plays a far more important role in our lives. A lot of people have the tendency to see things as ' black or white ' or 'good or bad'. While it may be easier for the person to handle that, its not really good for them. When one sees things in black or white, they lose out on the true colors of life. One has to realize that things are never that extreme - they are always in different colors / shades. Sandip Khare and Salil Kulkarni have written in one of their poems

'' प्रत्येकाच्या मनातून कुठला तरी राग , प्रत्येकाच्या चंद्रावर कुठला तरी डाग "

But what people try to do is to classify things as totally bad - black or totally good - white. And this leads to expectations. E.g. someone who's clasisified as 'white' would always be expected to do everything perfectly - they cant slip even once - or they are re-classified as 'black'. But that is not the way things work in life, is it? It's true the other way round as well. Someone who has done something bad and is classified as 'black' will no longer be expected to do any good - and even if they do, its hard to redeem themselves.

The point i am trying to make is that one should see things as they are - more objective, and less biased - then only one can know the reality. People usually fall in either of the two categories 'optimistic' or 'pessimistic' - why isnt there a third category 'realist'. I have always considered myself a realist - i prefer not to be either optimistic or pessimistic about things - i prefer to see things as they are. People may think i'm either opti/pessimistic depending on their own perception of the situation, but for me its being a realist. But this brings us to the paradox with which i'll end the post.

When i say i see the real thing, its through my eyes - is that not my perception?

Cloning bloody cloning

2009-11-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, now its Black Sabbath's turn

Forgive me Ozzy, Iommi, Butler and Ward

Cloning bloody cloning

you've seen plates through distressed eyes
you know you had to burn
the execution of your plans
did really have to turn
the day is done, the plates are old
the boss begins to show
the truth is out the boss is mad
but you don't want to know

nobody will ever let you clone
when your ask the reasons why
they just tell you that you're on your own
fill your cells all full of crap

the bacteria who have crippled you
you want to see them grow
the gates of lab are closed on you
and now there's no return
you're wishing that the hands of tech
would take your problem away
and you dont care if you don't see again
the light of day

nobody will ever let you clone
when your ask the reasons why
they just tell you that you're on your own
fill your cells all full of crap

where can you run to?
what more can you do?
no colonies tomorrow
labwork is killing you
dreams turn to nightmares
death turns to cells
burned out with experimentation
nothing more to plate

everyone around you
mocks at the cloning too
god knows and your boss knows
no more BLAST for you
cloning bloody cloning
nothing more in life
cloning just for living
living just for cloning

The wanderer

2009-10-28T15:11:00.001-07:00

The wanderer

through space and time
he wanders on and on

finds a place to settle
calls it home
does calling it,
make it home?

finds peace, finds joy
finds sadness too
finds friend, finds foe
doesnt know if all of it is true

the moment arrives
when he has to depart
and he leaves everything
falling apart

doesn't care about what is left
doesn't look back
his mind clear
he can see only the path

he keeps on walking, all alone
in solitude and in pain
until he reaches a new place
to call home again

paradise found - paradise lost
through space and time
he wanders on and on

something of my own and something of others'

2009-10-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I am back from quite a long break from writing.. the usual reason .. no inspiration. Well, not that i found inspiration today, but had a thought in mind and also time to write..

So.. i was giving some advice to a friend of mine today.. about relationships and human psyche.. of course, with my advice being sagacious [i bragged for some time about it] it worked.. but then i realized that if i would have followed the same advice myself, things would have been different..

I want to discuss two things here today.
1. We tend to give people advice and often we dont realize that we can use the same advice to make our life better.
2. We almost never think of things from another point of view.

If i think about it, i advise people often [wanted or unwanted]. Do i heed my own advice ? Hardly ever.. Why? We do tend to do that though.. it can be as simple as 'dude, you need to cut your hair ' or it can be relationship advice or it can even be calming people down. We can always come up with solutions to people's problems.. do we realize that we have the similar, if not the same problems? When i calm someone down, i tell them to take 10 deep breaths and count to 10 before doing anything. Do i always do that when i am agitated? Mostly not.

So why is it that we are so good at giving people advice and failing to heed our own words? In terms of boring science, its a side-effect [?] from having an advanced brain. I mean, lower mammals dont do that.. do they? I can't imagine a chimpanzee advising another one to run away from a tiger and not do the same.. So this must be a side-effect of having a functionally advanced brain. Right now, as i am writing this, i have told a friend of mine to go and sleep because sleeping late is not good.. but am i doing that? no.. instead i am type-blurting random thoughts which probably wont even be read by anyone other than me.. [a bit of digression, but i am also inventing a few words today.. e.g. i invented the verb 'to stipend' .. i told someone that i am stipended..]

Anyway, back on track.. about the thought #2..

Any conversation, fight, exchange, transaction requires two parties [unless you are schizofrenic, but even then still two imaginary parties]. Every party will have its own point of view / own set of principles / own set of ideas.. Take into consideration a conversation between two people where they are arguing about something. Each one will have their own notions, ideas, beliefs, even expectations. The main reason for the argument is usually that they dont understand each others points of view. But why? Again refering to my sagacious advice [ok ok.. no more bragging] .. i told her 'if you see his point of view, you will see why he's acting that way.. not justifying his behaviour, but only trying to seek the reason behind that ' .. and after some time with myself, it hit me.. do i do that often? no.. why not? if i think that their problem can be solved by doing that.. mine can too right? Lately, i have been trying to do that.. trying to see the other persons perspective.. trying to put myself in their shoes and then thinking about how i act.. and it helps.. sometimes, i realized that the things which i thought were too unreasonable are in fact not.. and if i would have switched roles, i would have expected the same thing..

well.. thats my bit of learning for today .. will ponder over these and will definitely try out both the things i mentioned here..

i.e. listen to my own advice and think from other people's perspectives..

High hopes

2009-09-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

This is the story of a PI who was once famous and well funded. But the economic depression and fierce competition drove him to anonymity in the scientific world

High Hopes

beyond the hallway of the lab where we worked when we were young
in a world of westerns and gels
our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
the ringing of the funding bell had begun

over the long years and down with the money
do they still fund our research?

there was a busy lab that produced good science
(but) publishing before time took our grants away
leaving the myriad of small papers tied us to the ground
to a lab consumed by slow paper-rate

the grass was greener
the lab was richer
with grads surrounded
the science of wonder

looking beyond the reports of the research flowing behind us
to a glimpse of how good was the lab before
steps taken forward but sleepwalking back again
dragged by the force of some bad science

at high point with the research published
we reached the glory that dreamed of stockholm

encumbered forever by poverty and funding decisions
there are projects still unfunded
our weary grads will stray to the horizon
though down this road they have been so many times (lately)

the grass was greener
the lab was richer
the projects were better
the years of wonder
with grads surrounded
the chancellor's prize glowing
the money flowing
the endless grant-giver

forever and ever

Forgive me Pink Floyd... Syd Barrett and Rick Wright RIP (don't let this disturb your peace)

Ramblings

2009-09-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Sleepless night
alone at home with coffee in a mug
talking to no one

reading old chats
going through old posts on blog
nostalgia takes over

revisiting old memories
looking at them from a new perspective
learning about myself

friends - some old some new
some lost in the past - some to be lost in future
memories last nonetheless

relationships
is life worth it without them?
some now past - some not yet present

was it always my fault?
or was it meant to be that way?
would it matter now to find that out?

child with a balloon in hand
excited at first but letting the balloon go
not realizing that its gone

are the bridges burnt?
is the possibility gone for ever?
is the future blank?

new beginnings await
nostalgia - however good it may be, is still past
looking at the road ahead

wish things were different
but would i wish for things to be this way if they were?
grass is always greener

these ramblings of a soul
one day i will look back at them and laugh
till then so long

Comfortably dumb

2009-08-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

This is a song sung by a PI when he caught his student fabricating data...

comfortably dumb

hello, hello, hello
is there anybody in there?
why hide if you can hear me,
is there anyone in lab?

come on now,
i hear you're spinning down
i saw your crappy stain,
come on, get up on your feet again

relax?, (yeah right!)
i need some primary data first,
just the basic numbers,
can you show me where it curves?

there is no stain, you are deceiving
a distant spot apprears on the quadrant
they are only coming through in gates
your cells glow?, but i cant see what you're saying

when i was a grad, i had an experiment
my hands felt just like two pipeting tools
now i got that feeling once again
i can't explain, you would not understand
this is not how i am

You have become, comfortably dumb

Ok,
just a little photoshop-trick
there'll be no more graaaaaaant
yeah, i can be a little prick

can you publish?
i dont believe its looking good
that'll keep you going for the year,
cmon its time to work

there is no data, you are procrastinating
a distant hope in your experiments,
you are only coming through in waves,
your lips move, but i cant hear what you're saying

when i was a grad, i caught a cheating kid
out of the paper of his PI
i turned him over, so he's gone
i sure put my finger on that now,
the kid is gone, the papers gone

you have become, comfortably dumb

At the mountain top

2009-08-10T14:15:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a breeze - a delightful, warm gust of air - the Wind
He decided to embark upon a journey - to the tallest of all the mountains he could find
He met the Sun along the way - they became the best of friends
Warm breeze flew through the trees and it was paradise they wished never ends
The Sun and the Wind - seemed unseparable
But the Wind's determination to reach the peak was undefeatable
So he left the Sun alone to continue his quest
Atop the high hills and through the dense forest
As he saw the peak within reach, his joy grew
He sped towards the top, passing mountains as he flew
Exhilarated by his feat, he looked around - victorious and proud
All he saw was cold ice till the horizon and a single black cloud

Home - in a more literary sense

2009-08-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was in Richmond, CA for a week for some training. And during that week, i realized that i had finally accepted LA as my home. The whole week there, i was a bit uncomfortable, being in a new area, living in a motel. Sleep at night wasnt as great as i normally have. My flight to LA got delayed by an hour, and i was feeling something which i havent felt in a long time - desire to get back home soon. I practically ran form the gate to the airport arrivals area. And when i finally reached home, i felt a sense of security.

Its been almost a year since i moved to LA. But the sense of belonging to my current apartment wasnt quite there. But it is now - too bad that i will move out in a year's time.

Then i realized that how much home, i mean the place you live in is connected to your sense of belonging. In the years that i lived in the 'wada' in Shaniwar Peth, that was my home - until we shifted to a temporary new apartment. The new apartment, for some reason, did not invite that sense of being 'home'. It wasnt until we shifted back to Shaniwar Peth - in a new apartment built over the same place - that i felt this was it. Curiously, architecture wise, or floor plan wise, i liked the temp. apt better - but it wasnt home. I would have thought that being there for three whole years will give me a sense of belonging there - but no, it wasnt quite that way.

And now after almost a year in my current apt in LA - it is home.

As they say - home is where your heart lives - mine lives in Shaniwar Peth, Pune and Westwood, Los Angeles - both places are now 'home'

If only

2009-06-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

if only i could paint,
i would have turned my thoughts into colors,

if only i could sing,
all my worries would be songs

if only i could dance,
dance of joy it would have been

if only i could compose,
melodies and harmonies would be my life

if only i was a poet,
my poems would present my agony and my ecstasy

with the longing to express 'me' in these forms, limited only by the inability of my self,
i write these words, since words i can write..

Writers Block

2009-05-31T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am facing a writer's block since my last post, well since my post 'black and white' . I have no blog-worthy idea in mind. Even if i have some idea, i am too engrossed in other things so i forget about it in an instant. Moreover, for some reason, my English is going from bad to worse. I think its the American effect. The spoken English (day-to-day) is so bad (read grammatically inaccurate) here, that my english is getting affected. And i think that is adding to my block.

I am writing this blog as a solution for writers block. Shilpa told me this once... When you are suffering from writers block, just write anything that comes to your mind. So i am doing exactly that.

For the past few days, i have been wondering whether doing a PhD is ever going to earn me money. I see my friends here, mostly doing MS, getting jobs already and earning twice as much. Now i am not saying that what i earn is not enough. It is enough, it is enough for me to pay my rent and live comfortably. But its not exactly big bucks. So i am reconsidering PhD, but i know that this reconsideration is shallow. Inside, i know that i want to do a PhD. So there is no question about that.

Recently, I found out that i can listen to radio on iTunes. I found out that there are thousands of radio channels i can listen to. There are 3 hindi channels ! I can listen to all kinds of music on the radio. Its a great thing and i am thoroughly enjoying that.

I am also planning to buy a bike, not a motorcycle, but a regular bicycle. My roommates bike was stolen from campus, so we dont have a bike to use. This is a prob only on weekends, where i used to take the bike to the lab. Now i have to walk :(

I am also growing concerned about my lack of excersize. I am hardly doing any physical excersize nowadays. And that is showing its effects. I should start excersizing regularly.

So.. after this post meant to be a cure on the writer's block, my resolutions are:

Complete the PhD
Listen to radio
Buy a bike
Start excersizing.

Its sunday morning at 845 am, and this is Alok Joglekar. If you are reading this, you are the reader. The block is taking over us and i am your only hope. We will find a way to fight the block and we will survive. This is Alok Joglekar, signing off from the blog.

p.s. I watched T4-salvation a couple of days back.

A short note on a scam

2009-05-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

I was looking for an apartment in L.A. a couple of days back. For starters, i looked up a few offers on craigslist Los Angeles. I found this unbelievably great deal on one of the links. It was a 2b/2bth house for $1100 / month. (The usual is around $1600 / month in here). I did not believe the deal and scoffed at it as someone being either incredibly stupid / trying to rob people's money.

But, just to see what happens, i emailed the guy about the house. I get a reply from an address ending in *.fr (someone who is registered as a french guy). The emails says (in short)

'I am Richard McNeish, a voluntary missionary, who has transfered to west africa and my wife has transfered to UK. We want to give our place to someone trustworthy and who will treat the house as their own.. etc etc ... blah blah blah. Unfortunately we can not show you the house. So we will send you keys by DHL once we get the deposit of $500 and first month's rent of $1100. etc etc'

First of all, it sounds so fishy, that the first thing i did was a google search on 'richard mcneish'. The first hit i got was someone's blog entry and a comment on it. The comment says

'I want to know if anyone out there in Ilasamaja, Nigeria knows a man by the name of Richard McNeish, aka Pastor Mark Buckner aka Rev Daniel Tamayo. If you do, please its very imperative that you contact me at xxxxxxx@yahoo.com. This man, unfortunately, is a scam artist that likes to rob people's hard-earned money who serve the Lord. Please donot hesitate to leave me any information on this person who will be sought and prosecuted.'

Just an amazing experience which highlights
- How sneaky and kniving bastards people can be. Thieving people under the name of god.
- Amazimg power of internet and google.
- Also, amazing potential of internet to be used as a frauding tool.

Anyway. In short, that was the experience.

Black and white

2009-04-13T21:50:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a white canvas who fell in love with a paintbrush. Out of many canvases, the paintbrush chose this particular one. Things went on well and their love was blooming. The canvas felt lonely without the brush and the brush without the canvas.

One fine day, after visiting an artist's house, the brush thought that the canvas is too blank, too white. The brush told the canvas 'my love, why not add some color to your life? I would very much like to see a colorful canvas'. The canvas agreed to it (albeit against its own will), for, it loved the brush dearly. It went on and allowed itself to be painted with some colors, and it thought, 'may be, i do look a bit better with the colors'. The Brush was also quite content with the now changed canvas. However, it did not match the elegance of the artist's paintings, so the brush was left unsatisfied. Days went by and the canvas got used to the colors. The brush had kept its feeling of not being satisfied to itself, but after a visit to another artist's place, slowly it started expressing itself . The canvas was initially reluctant to get any more colors, but because it loved the brush so much, it agreed to get more colors on itself. And so, it did. This went on for a while. Every once in a while, the brush would ask the canvas to get more color and the canvas would eventually agree and get itself colored.

There came a point when the canvas started looking black with all the mixture of colors. And then the brush told the canvas 'my dear, you have too much color on you. Have you thought about getting some white paint? It may add a different hue and you will look less dark and more colorful.' The canvas reluctantly agreed to this too as it did not want to lose its loved one. But, this time, the result was that even after getting a white paint, the canvas still remained dark. All the colors in all these time had turned the canvas black and there was no way to be white again. No matter how much he tried, the most it could do is to appear slightly grey.

The brush was retrospecting one day and it thought, 'Does the canvas look better with the colors? or was it much better when it was white? Did the colors make the canvas lose its own self? These colors probably disfigured the canvas for life. May be the canvas was better without me and i without the canvas'.

And so the brush moved on, eventually found a new canvas. And the canvas was left black and no brush could make it white again.

And the curtain went down

2009-03-17T00:08:00.001-07:00

It has been more than six months since i moved to LA. Six months since i left the world in Pune and endeavored in a new world here in LA. In all these days i missed everything that made me belong to that world. I have never articulated it until now.

I remember the day i left Pune... seeing all the family members for the last time for a long time.. I remember how everyone was at home, to say goodbye to me. I remember the sudden tears that sprung up in my mawshi's eyes when she was leavin after sayin goodbye, knowing that she is not going to see me again for a long time. I remember me trying not to show any emotions on my face. I was sure that if i show even the slightest hint of a teardrop in my eye, all my beloved would join me in crying. I remember how i struggled to keep still, keep my face clear of emotions. Even though i felt all those emotions, i managed to conceal them. I remember the awkward pause, a pregnant silence when i was all set to leave the doorstep. I remember how i touched the feet of all the elders. I remember how i went downstairs to kaku's place to pray in front of the family gods. I remember the emotion that was swelling in my mind as i did these things. I remember seeing my house till it disappeared from the view as i went away. I remember sayin goodbye to Swati before leaving. I remember the same awkward pause before both of us bade a hurried farewell, hurried in the fear of revealing any emotions. I remember traveling on the expressway, as i waved a mental goodbye to my beloved city. I remember sitting in Kamat restaurant, eating my last meal with my family for a long time. I remember trying to keep the mood as light as possible. I remember my dad, mom and sister trying the same. I remember standing outside the airport terminal, silently contemplating the journey i was about to embark upon. I remember meeting two old friends there, and feeling relieved at the fact that there would be something to talk about while we wait there. I rememeber sayin bye to them, with butterflies in my stomach as i prepared for the last farewell. I remember being in two minds about entering the terminal; should i hurry and get this goodbye over with before i change my mind about leaving.. or should i try to spend as much time as possible with my family before i have to say goodbye.

I remember when it was finally time for me to enter the terminal. I remember my dad's hand on my shoulder, slightly shaking and at the same time trying to hind the shaking. I remember the look on my sister's face that was asking, 'do you absolutely have to leave?'.I remember the tears that sprung up in my mom's eyes, so similar to that of my mawshi's. I remember bending down to touch their feet, seeking comfort in the fact that it made me avoid looking into their eyes. I remember feeling that if i looked into their eyes a moment too soon, i might not be able to leave. I remember the heavy trolley with my luggage that i dragged to the gate, preparing for that final glimpse that i would have of them. I remember looking back at them from the door. I remember the expressions on their faces. My dad showing unmistakable support, while i knew that he would not show any other emotion, atleast not to me. My mom teary-eyed, worried for her son, and how he will survive the world out there. My sister showing unfathomable expression. After so many years, it was still unfathomable. I saw sadness, happiness, support all at the same time in that. I remember the hardest part of all this.. to break the picture in front of me and to go ahead with my journey.

I remember calling them as i finished checking in. I remember them waving at me through the glass, all of us having accepted the fact that i am leaving. I remember seeing them through the glass for the last time before i entered the immigration zone. My mind remarkably clear at that moment. I remember the sadness being replaced by excitement, apprehension and relief at the same time. I remember talking to my cousins over the phone as i sat awaiting the boarding call. I remember talking to swati over the phone as i knew she was probably going through the same emotions, albeit with a lag of few hours. I remember casually sms-ing with my dad about some guy who looked like hannibal lecter. I remember him asking me if his favourite dish was 'bheja fry'. I remember feeling that despite the distance, nothing is going to change. I remember boarding the plane and feeling for one last time that 'is there any chance i could go back to my family right now' and then immediately clearing my mind of that thought. I remember seating in the plane with my luggage securely placed. I remember the plane taking off and me slipping off to sleep, as if the the curtain was lowered the end of the act.

I dont know why i am articulating these thoughts, memories now. I was reading 'Kite Runner' and somehow it made me think of all these things, and i couldnt sleep.

I never realized how much i missed the small things. It was a world, it was my world. But now i must embrace this world which has become mine now. But my world in Pune will be my world, nothing is going to change it. So long ...

On uncertainity

2009-03-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I heard from my first PI and he pretty much told me that he is not gonna take me in his lab..

and i m feeling relieved at that.. Its a burden less i guess.. No more hopes that i may be able to join his lab.. so no more uncertainity about that.. so i am relieved..

I have come to realize how much i hate uncertainity... Having a bad news is much better for me than being uncertain about something.. may it be on my part or on something or someone else's part.. i just dont like things being uncertain..

I know one person who would have been exactly opposite.. Heisenberg.. (Warning:This is an attempt at a bad joke)

Anyway.. wanted to get that off my mind..

Seeman --- Labman

2009-03-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

This is a song by Rammstein called 'Seemann' .. I am posting the translation of the song..

Seeman (translation)

Come in my boat
a storm is rising
and the night is coming
Where do you want to go
(quite alone you are drifting away),
give it up
Who will hold your hand
when it
pulls you under

Where do you want you want to go
So boundless,
the cold sea
Come in my boat,
The wind of autumn
keeps the sails stiff

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
The daylight falls to the side
The autumn wind sweeps empty the streets

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
The evening light chases the shadows away
Time stands still and fall is coming

Come in my boat
Yearning becomes
the helmsmen
Come in my boat
the best sailor
was I

Now you are standing by the lantern
with tears in your face
You take the fire from the candle
Time stands still and fall is coming

They only spoke of your mother
so merciless is only the night
In the end I'm left alone
The time stands still
and I am cold

Given the current dearth of funding for the PI's and its effects on a grad student, i come up with this: (Once again, forgive me Rammstein)

Labman

Come in my lab,
a project is rising
and a grant is coming
where do you want to go?
(quite alone you are rotating away)
give it up
who will hold your hand
when you
fail to find a lab

where do you want to go,
so lab-less
the poor grad

come in my lab,
the grant of NIH,
keeps the consumables still

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates,
the uv light falls to the side
the seventy percent sweeps clean the hood

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates
the NIH takes the grants away
project stands still and there is no funding

come in my lab
earning becomes
the main plan
come in my lab,
the best PI,
was I

Now you are standing by the culture hood,
with media in your plates
you take the stipend from the department
project stands still and there is no funding

They only spoke of your project
so merciless is only the NIH
project stands still
and I am poor

Comassie blue

2009-03-06T21:14:00.001-08:00

Forgive me Goethe and forgive me Rammstein

Comassie blue

A PI saw a little band..
it bloomed there with bright others
she asked her student,
if he could elute it for her

She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear bands
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still

The boy elutes the band in torment
he doesnt really care about the rest
only the little band is on his mind
he brings it to his PI

She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear band
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still

At his bench a column sits
doesnt want to be on the gel anymore
and with a western lets everyone konw
both are eluting at the same size

She wants it and that's fine
so it was and so it will always be
she wants it and that's the custom
whatever she wants she gets

Long gels must be run
if you want clear band
comassie blue oh commassie blue
long gels dont run still

For the original song by Rammstein which is based on a Goethe poem, refer to the last post.. i.e. "Rosenrot..Rose red "

Rosenrot .. Rose red

2009-03-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

This is a song by Rammstein.. its based on a Goethe poem.. i loved the lyrics of the song..

Rosenrot - Rammstein

A girl saw a little rose
It bloomed there in bright heights
She asked her sweetheart
if he could fetch it for her

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

The boy climbs the mountain in torment
He doesn't really care about the view
Only the little rose is on his mind
He brings it to his sweetheart

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

At his boots, a stone breaks
Doesn't want to be on the cliff anymore
And a scream lets everyone know
Both are falling to the ground

She wants it and that's fine
So it was and so it will always be
She wants it and that's the custom
Whatever she wants she gets

Deep wells must be dug
if you want clear water
Rose-red, oh Rose-red
Deep waters don't run still

More rummaging

2009-03-02T09:58:00.001-08:00

So, here i was, with the "problem" in front of me.. for reference, see the post 'Rummaging' .. my solution to it: "Work harder" .. Thats the only thing in my hands.. so i m tryin to do that..

Its funny that such a simple solution should come to me after so much thought... why didnt i naturally react to the situation in that way? Why was hard work not my first answer to the problem? I have seen many people whose first reaction would have been to work their asses off.. and i have seen all of them succeed in their efforts(may be a few exceptions where their luck failed them).. why do i not adopt that in my life? Is it a hard thing to do? or am i lazy?

I remeber this shloka

"योजनानि शतान्यपि शनै: गच्छेत पिपीलिका
अनिच्छन वैनतेयोपि पदमेकं न गच्छति "

(Forgive the errors in sanskrit as i am not used to using blogger devnagari text editing)

What this means is that 'an ant can go hundreds of miles even at her pace.. but an eagle who doesnt want to move, will not even move a foot'

Despite knowing this .. and similar quotes / examples, why was hard work not my first choice??

Is that one thing that separates animals from humans? Given choice, we tend to slack off.. animals cant do that.. they have to survive..

I will conclude this post with the words of Homer Simpson

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

Rummaging

2009-02-26T02:36:00.001-08:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.. i have reached the conclusion that i may be reaching a 1/3rd life crisis (in case you are wondering wot that is, its my own version of mid-life crisis.. since i m not gonna live much more than say 65-66, i call it 1/3rd life crisis).. anyway

Usually i am pretty clear about wot i want to do.. but in the last few days, i am becoming a bit confused.. Is my coming to US gonna be a good thing? I mean, i m sure that my PhD from UCLA is gonna be of a good value if i return to India... but would i be able to find a lab in which i really want to do a PhD? I dont want to join any lab just becuz its UCLA .. i want to join a lab which i want to join.. But will i b able to find such a lab??

I usually dont compare myself to my peers.. but then i see these people from my class.. many of them have a lab which they want to work in.. and after a rotation, the PIs from that lab have told them that they can join the lab... So, they have a sense of security about the future of their Phd.. I have rotated in one lab, where i dont know if the PI can take me.. and i am rotating in the 2nd lab, where again i dont know if the PI can / wants to take me.. i have a third rotation lined up, but i m not thinking much about it.. As for the first lab, i really like the lab and i want to join it.. but then because of funding problems, the PI may not take me in the lab... Me being an international student, can not apply for any of the NIH / NSF training grants.. so the PI has to provide funding for me... which means that i am a liability as compared to an asset for the PI..

if i am really good, and i can produce say 2 nature papers in my Phd.. but if there is another student (US citizen / perm resid) as good / slightly worse (say 1 nature and 1 JVirol paper).. the PI would prefer the other student anytime, cause then the other student is virtually a free worker for him... but he has to pay almost $40k per year for me.. so i can completely see how taking a US student is favorable for a PI.. which puts me in a bad position..

Due to the above mentioned problem (?), my future about selecting a lab becomes suddenly grey.. There is a big trade-off... I have spent so much resources to come to US for a PhD.. should i join a lab just because i came here and i m not a quitter.. or should i join a lab only if i want to / like the lab.. This is not only a question of merely joining a lab / research... this is a point where my own principles are conflicting..

The part which tells me that i should not quit says that no matter what lab I join, the research is in my hands .. so i forget about what i want / like and just find a lab.. and once i do that , rest can be managed with hard work...

The part which tells me that i should join a lab only if i want to / like their research says that thats exactly the thing i came here for.. if i join a lab which i dont really like, it defeats the purpose of me coming here all the way.. i could have done the same in India.. it makes all the resources spent on me essentially a waste.. moreover, joining a lab is like a marriage.. if i dont like the lab much, is it going to work out for me for the next 5 years??

So the only way that i do not fail either of my principles is to find a lab which i want to work in and which can take me as well... but that seems to be a very rare situation now, esp because of the funding prob i talked about.. Hearing the best student from my class say that she may go back to her country if she doesnt find a lab she likes, i was alarmed whether is that gonna be my future as well?

I am currently working on a rational line of thought on this.. but the immediate future looks pretty mentally stressful as the choice is gonna affect the next 5 years that i spend here.. I am putting these thoughts down because they will help me to see the big picture.. since i dont write a diary, this is my diary.. i hope to see some things clarified / some decisions taken .. it will atleast show me the road ahead..

I have also realized that this is one of my shortcomings.. if i see the road ahead, no matter how hard it is, i can tread through.. but if i dont see it, i get confused easily.. i am not scared, but i get a bit boggled down as my processor gets overloaded with possible future scenarios which i construct.. i need to learn how to perceive the future a bit better.. or even how to tackle something without knowing it..

Oh well.. one problem at a time.. so i will think a bit more and hope the big picture becomes clear..

Law of selective inertia

2009-02-25T10:38:00.001-08:00

I am pretty sure that everyone who has passed 12th grade is not new to Newton's first law of motion, also known as 'law of inertia'. It defines inertia as the tendency of a body to remain in its current state of motion unless and until acted upon by an external unbalanced force.. wow, that was a successful rendition of some of the crap i learnt in physics... but i digress..

Upon very careful and thouroughly scientific observations of many graduate students' lives, i have devised an ingenious theory which explains the apparently absurd behaviour of a grad student... (I was bitten by a lemur with a name 'King Julian XIII')...

The theory goes like this:

"A graduate student has a tendency to remain in his state of motion unless and until acted upon by external mentally balancing force"

To justify my thoery, let me give some examples

1) Getting out of bed in morning (or more likely afternoon) / getting out of the shower on a cold day / getting away from the compter while facebooking (or blogging)... in these cases, the external force rather negatively affects the mental state by making you work / get ready / go out in the cold and walk to the lab... hence you tend to exhibit a state of inertia...

2) getting out of the lab / going out of the lecture hall after a lecture is over / going for a movie... in these cases, the external force is quite good for the mental balance by making you not work /
finish your nap and get some fresh air / watch a movie... hence the student temporarily shuts down the inertia and is remarkably ready to change the state of motion..

Hence, my theory of selective inertia hold true !!

Now, being a graduate student, i obviously obey the law of selective inertia... but the external force (high pitched and angry sounds coming from my PI's office) is quite overwhelming and so it is taking me out of my state of inertia... so.. gotta go.. bye

Love

2009-02-24T00:10:00.000-08:00

I was reading through the freshly written blog of a friend.. i came across these lines.. i am putting them here because they summarize the concept of love that i have in mind.. i feel that my writing is far too shallow compared to what these lines say, so i am not goin to write anything more than this...

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over after being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had that, we had roots that grew toward each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

--Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I hope everyone in this worlds finds themselves to be a part of the one tree... and let me conclude by saying that it let everyone realize that it doesnt matter who the other part is, the only thing that matters is the tree...

One fine day in the lab

2009-02-16T11:59:00.000-08:00

A common situation in a grad student's life:

One fine morning, the weather is beautiful.. you get up on time (10am).. you say to yourself, lets get some work done in the lab for change.. you go to lab and find that your undergrad screwed up the westerns which you asked her to do and moreover, she used up all of the whole cell extract that you worked so hard to obtain.. You cant fire her cause your PI likes her... all that you can do is sing this:

Black

Sheets of empty cellulose, untouched sheets of gel,
were laid spread out before me, as her blot once did
all five eppendorfs, revolved around in her spinwin,
as the earth to the sun
and now the membrane i transfer and strip, has taken a stain.

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
ooh i know she stained it all that she had,

and now my bitter hands, hold the western blot of what was everything
all the membranes have, all been washed in black,overexposed everything..

I go for a talk outside, i'm surrounded by thoughts of the gel
i can feel the PI screaming, ohh, why do i care?

oh and twisted eppendorfs i spin, round and round,
oooh, i m spinning..
oh how quick the chemiluminescence can fade away..

and now my bitter hands, cradle blackened film of what was everything
all the membranes have, all been washed in black,overexposed everything..

all the stain gone bad, turned my film to black,
tattooed all i see, all that i ran, all i will.. yeah yeah yeah..

I know someday you'll have a beautiful blot,
I know you'll be the author, in somebody else's paper, but why?
Why, why can't it be mine??

Aaah , Uuuh..

Forgive me Pearl Jam.. Black is one of my fav songs.. but i just couldnt resist this..

Higher by Greed

2009-01-26T19:14:00.000-08:00

So... after a painful day of trying to study for a midterm, reading Shilpa's blog gave me the spark to procreate something (Now now.. not that way.. more on literary terms)

So as i am quite unable to produce anything original with my own hands, i sat and wrote this...

To Creed: Forgive me for this...

Higher by Greed

while dreaming, i study for another test,
time and time again
at sunrise, i fight to stay awake,
cause I dont want to leave the grade less than an A
cause there's a hunger, a longing to just scrape,
with only a B in the test i take

so lets go there,
lets make our best scrape,
cmon lets go there,
lets ask can i get an A?

can you take me higher,
to the test which is dumb as i see
can you take me higher,
to the place with alternate seats

although i would like our course to change,
it helps me appreciate,
those nights and those dreams,
but my friend, why do i sacrifice the nights?
if i could just make mine and somone's papers the same
the only difference is,
to let my words replace all of his

so lets go there,
lets make our best scrape,
cmon lets go there,
lets ask can i get an A?

up high i feel like i've passed just this one time
up high i'm smart enough to take someones test
and make it mine

Thanks to Shilpa for inspiring this.. and thanks to Santya for being the smartass he is and telling me to put an 'an' before the A in order to be grammatically correct !

New years blog

2009-01-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

Wish you a very happy new year !

Now, as the tradition goes, i should write a blog close to Jan 1, which would be my new year's blog. The tradition also dictates that i should start jogging ! Well, this year, i made a resolution to do the same as well. I gave the excuse of being in snow-filled boston for not having started jogging. I also started writing a blog on my life in 2008 called '2008-the year that changed my life'.

However, i was wondering why i pursue this tradition, and whether it means something to me. Turns out, nope, doesnt make a difference ! Here i am, halfway through the month, still havent started jogging and havent yet published the blog, its still half-written in my drafts folder. So there you go, thats the proof of my first ever blogothesis (short for blog-hypothesis, short for weblog-hypothesis). That Jan 1, or the new year, is no different than any other day !

Well, lets see how my writing mood continues in 2009, will surely come up with something to write about. In the meanwhile, have a wonderful 2009 !

p.s. Hey, there goes my new year's blog (i have also started going to gym ). Jus keepin the tradition alive !

Garbage recycling facility at Wellesley, MA

2008-12-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, its good to make a few diversions and write about more, if i may call it, technical stuff. Here is an account of the garbage recycle / disposal facility at Wellesly, MA that i went to.

Now, one may be thinking, why the hell is he writing about a garbage facility? But bear with me..

I am sitting in freezing Boston, enjoying my first snowfall. I am at my cousin's place for the holidays. Because of the lack of anything to do, i went with my brother-in-law to dispose off their garbage. Seems like a mundane activity and why would one volunteer for such a thing !

However, with these thoughts in mind, i went there. Observation 1: The facility is huge. I have seen the facilities in Pune, they are small (here, i am not talking about the size of the actual garbage, but the size of the facility). Observation 2: It is clean !!

There are 4 parts of the facility:
1) Recycling part
2) Disposal part
3) Compost pit part
4)

In the first part, there are huge containers with labels on them. People sort their recyclable garbage into categories such as plastic bags, bottles, cans, cardboard boxes, newspaper etc etc. The containers are clean, and neatly labeled ! People religiously sort their garbage into the containers. Behind the containers, trucks and cranes are used to shift the garbage to different locations for processing. Then the trash is recycled (unfortunately it was too cold to be stayin there for long and feed my curiosity).

The second part is the disposal part. Its pretty straight-forward, so i needn't explain in detail.

The third part is the compost pit part. In new england, they collect tons of leaves as a result of fall. They put those leaves in the compost pit to be converted to fertilizer. The locals use the fertilizer for the rest of the year.

Santya, you would like this part:

The fourth part is the most exciting part of the facility. It consists of about a wall full of bookshelves. People keep their old / unwanted books here !! Anyone can take books from here and put them here. Its like a book recycling station. Isnt that an awesome idea !

The books i found there:
1) About 100 novels which i had already read
2) About 50 novels which i hadnt read, but planned to read and couldnt buy becuz couldnt afford them
3) About 100 novels i hadnt heard of
4) About 15 books on calculus
5) About 20 books on biology, microbiology, genetics etc including Lehninger ! (not the person, but the book)
6) About 50 books on maths, comp science.

Isnt that a great idea ?? I was so engrossed in checking out the books there, that i momentarily forgot that i was cold and my nose was about to bleed ! (well not really bleed, but i thought it might) But the point behind this is that , instead of throwing away books, if we start something like this, it would be a wonderful thing. In a country like India, where books are not as affordable, this system could work wonders. I remember goin to the road between VT and churchgate in Mumbai where street vendors sell books at dirt cheap prices. I remember finding some good books there. But most of them are stolen / found / sold as 'raddi' books. Why cant we have a system like that in India?? I strongly think we should. I am definitely gonna think about how i could implement that in India. Anyone has any ideas??

So, to end this post quite abruptly, i just want to point out that we can do a lot better if we could implement a similar system.

Violence.. why?

2008-11-29T11:44:00.000-08:00

Let me start by praying for the souls of the victims of the blasts.. Let them rest in peace.. Let me pray for the wounded to be healed soon..

Flesh wounds are easy to heal, but what about the mental wounds that people have suffered?

The attacks in Bombay have shaken the 'common man' in a way very similar to 1993. I was a small kid then, but i still do remember being moved by the pictures in the newspapers.. I remember people being in a shock. I think the terrorists have successfully managed to do that this time as well..

But why?

Is taking innocent lives the way to solve any problem? Is violence the answer to any question?

They say that history repeats itself... If i think about it now, the examples of history repeating itself are so very linked with violence.. Now, after a couple of thousand years of recorded history, do people not realize the link? Or may be people are just being ignorant about it.

Why is there a need for violence? Why people become violent? Do they think that by being violent, they can achieve something? Do they think that by being violent, they will show their fellow human beings that they are more powerful?

I remember my father telling me a story when i was a kid. The story goes like this:

There was a snake, who did not go in anyone's way. But he found that people took that as a sign of weakness and started throwing stones at him. He came across a wise man and asked him what he should do. The wise man said that he should let people know that he has power. The next day, the snake bit a man who threw a stone at him. The snake thought, oh, now no one will harm me. But he was wrong. People started throwing more stones at him, beating him up with a stick and trying to kill him. He somehow escaped alive and went to the wise man. He asked the wise man, 'i did show that i have power, but that did not help me at all, they are even more troublesome now.. tell me what did i do wrong?'. The wise man replied, 'did i tell you to use the power and bite people? i just told you to let people know that you have power'. The snake went back and when the next person threw a stone at him, the snake did not do anything but stood there in a way which revealed the power and determination of the snake. And then, the snake was free from the troubles which he had from humans.

Doesn't this story say tons about the importance of not being violent. One doesnt need to show that he is strong by using violence. That was the philosophy of Gandhiji. Gandhiji endorsed 'Ahimsa', but he never ever said that be weak. He always told to be non-violent, but never to be weak.

The irony here is, the very man led india and pakistan to freedom from the british, using non-violence. But look at the state of the two countries after a mere 60 years from that. How did people change so much ? Why did people become so stone-hearted that violence doesnt move them? We are the land of Ashoka, who after seeing the violence caused by his own army, surrendered to buddhism and non-violence. We are the land of Mahavir Jain, who pleaded non-violence as the religion. We are the land of Buddha, who founded the belief based on non-violence. We are the land of Mahatma Gandhi, who told us to be 'ahimsak' but not 'durbal'. They have we forgotten these people? Have we forgotten the people who founded the strong basis of our society?

Why is then violence so apparently central to our existence? What happened to 'live and let live' ?

Why do people not realize that violence leads to more violence and nothing else?

Stairway to paper

2008-11-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

Here's another one.. this is slightly better than the first one i think.. 1st one was crap..

Stairway to paper

(on the tunes of 'stairway to heaven')

theres a lady who's sure,
all thats stained is gold,
and she's buying a stairway to paper

when she gets there she knows,
if the FACS are all closed,
with a run she can get what she came for
ooh, and she's buying a stairway to paper

Theres a DCSIGN on the cell,
but she wants to be sure,
cuz you know sometimes cells have two stainings

in the cell culture book,
theres a writer who writes,
sometimes all of our cells are mistaken
ooh, it makes me wonder
ooh, it makes me wonder

theres a feeling i get,
when i look to the west(ern)
and my protein is crying for blotting

in my thoughts i have seen,
band of protein through the screen
and the voice of my PI there standing
ooh, it makes me wonder

if its smeared and soon,
if its all in the ruin,
the PI will fire me for no reason

And a new grad will come,
for the gels to be run,
and the PI will fire him after

If theres a smear in your southern,
dont be alarmed now,
its just 'cause your RNA is not clean

Yes there are two kits you can go buy
but in the long run,
theres still time to change the kit you're on
it makes me wonder

your head is aching and it wont go
in case you dont know,
your PI's calling you to join him

dear lady can you hear the warning blow
and did you know,
your stairway lies on the PI's hands

and as we wind down the road,
our results smaller than our goals,
there walks a lady we all know
who stains the cells and wants to show
how everything still turns to gold
and if you work very hard,
and the day will come at last,
when all are gone and one is all
to be a grad and not to fail

and she's buying a stairway to paper..

Leavin on a FACS stain

2008-11-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

Shilpa just inspired me to write songs ! so here i was, sitting in the lab, pondering over FACS staining protocols, and as i was bored, i thought of this..

now, i know tht i m not good with songs, but you have to keep in mind that this is my first try..

so here it is,

"Leavin on a FACS stain"

(on the tune of 'leavin on a jet plane' of course)

all my cells are packed and ready to go,
i m standing here outside the flow,
i gate the cells that stain with Cy5

but the facs is opening, its early warm (ing),
and the bulb is on, its ready to glow
already full of boredom, i cud die

so miss me and run for me,
tell me that you'll sort for me,
throw me chart that will show

cuz i m leaving on a FACS stain, dont know when i'll be back again,
oh cells, i hate to go

theres so many times, i've spun you down,
so many times i hv washed around
i tell you now that they dont stain a thing

every talk i go i think of you,
every chart i bring, i'll bring for you,
and when i come back, i'll do your staining thing

so miss me and run for me,
tell me that you'll sort for me,
throw me chart that will show

cuz i m leaving on a FACS stain, dont know when i'll be back again,
oh PE, i hate to go

now the time has come to run you, one more time, let me spin you,
close your cap and you'll be on your way

dream about the charts to come, when i dont have to read alone,
about the runs when i wont have to say,

so miss me and run for me,
tell me that you'll sort for me,
throw me chart that will show

cuz i m leaving on a FACS stain, dont know when i'll be back again,
oh PE, i hate to go

oh PE, i hate to go..

Looking back

2008-11-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

i have been here in LA for two months now... i m writing this to point out some observations.. now, a word of caution before you start reading this. The views here are based on two months of observation. They may be right, they may be wrong, they may be objective, they may be biased. I do not mean to insult / praise anyone unnecessarily. so, here it goes..

Looking back at the last two months (i had to use that phrase, its the title of the blog) i realized how different and similar the culture in US and the culture in India is. I will not say that either one of them is better or worse, they are just different. Will comment on a few significant differences here.

concerning the overall culture:

I feel that the people here are more open about certain ways. E.g. hardly any topic is a taboo in conversations. I wont feel embarassed to discuss about any topic here. Mind you, thats a big difference. In india, some topics are social taboos, e.g. AIDS , gay rights etc etc. I have seen people working in National AIDS Research Institute use hushed tones while talking about 'sexually transmitted diseases'. Here, anyone can (many times does) speak about anything. There is no judging anyone based on the topic he/she speaks on , or the terms he/she uses. E.g. if in india, i supported a gay-right, i wud be judged as gay by people, or atleast they will ask me whether i m gay. Here, i can freely talk about gay-rights withought having to stress on the fact that i m straight. That is a good thing, which our society should learn. I mean, people talkin about sex, drugs etc is still a not-so-civilized thing. And i find that as a sign of a still immature society.

\t (dont know how to put tabs) Another thing i realized is that people throw many phrases casually here which may be taken seriously in india. If a girl casually says 'i like you' here, its taken exactly that.. but in india if a girl says 'i like you' casually, the guy wud think that she loves him and wants to marry him (ok, i m exaggerating a bit.. but i couldnt help remeber the scenes from the movie dhoom). So, i was thinking... is there any way in india that a girl can tell guy tht she likes him (i mean casually like, so like like a frnd, not like-like but just like) and not be understood in a wrong way?..... also, minor insults while thrown in a casual way are not taken seriously.. so, if i make a joke on someone an the person says 'i hate you alok', i will not take it to my heart and really think tht the person hates me.. I m not sure that would happen in india... so the point i m trying to make is, that in a light conversation, the rate of 'taking things seriously' goes down... where in india, even the jokes made in the lightest of the conversations can be taken in a wrong way.

\t One more thing, here, everyone is equal when it comes to a conversation. E.g. those of you who have read the book by Lodish, Berk and Matsudaira, would know that the Berk from the authors is Arnold Berk from UCLA. Everyone calls him Arnie / Arnie Berk. When he is speaking to you, his intellegence and his scientific knowlegde overwhelms you, but he does not show that off, or try to act as if he is a great scientist. That goes for everyone here, or atleast everyone that i have met so far. Wot i want to say is that the people here dont necessarily demand respect, u start respecting them automatically. However, i should restrict this to scientists because of my limited sampling set. I remember ameeta/bimba (generalize to most of the teachers) talking to us as if we are nothings and we know nothing. While that may have been true, the conversation doesnt demand a treatment based on that. So while i talk to Arnie Berk, we are just two science guys talking on science. Isnt that great ? i sincerely wish that this one thing would be adopted by the atleast indian scientist community.

\tAlso, the overall tendency that i observed here is of 'minding-your-own-business'.. as long as you are not harming anyone, you are free to do wotever you want to. E.g. in a lecture, you can drink coffee if u want to, u can sleep if you want to, you can come in /go out anytime you want to. Nobody says 'do this' or 'dont do this'... i remember asking once about drinking water in class in india... that made me think, are all these 'rules and restrictions' really necessary?? E.g. is the teacher telling us not to drink coffee in class necessary?? does it affect the lecture badly in any way?? I found that there are a lot of such irrelevant / unnecessary social etiquettes in india... we need to rethink about these. But i must say one thing, the situation in india is improving, but not very fast.. e.g. i remember Gejji Sir allowing us to drink tea / coffee in class (for those from IBB). but it still needs to improve. Besides, dont people know that drinking coffee in a lecture helps us to not fall asleep (ok, i m diverting from the point here, thanks to all the coffee that i drink).

\tOne thing i realized that 'solidarity' is a big virtue here. In many cases, it comes naturally to us in india. E.g. if i walk back with someone everyday, in india, it would be naturally expected from me and by me to accomodate some minor delays in order to walk back together. Here, i m some kind of saint if i do that (exaggeration again but my point is that such kind of a thing is a big deal here). Here it wont be expected from me to wait for the person for some finite time so that we can walk back together. I remeber in NARI, me, santya and yoga left together unless we had some major work. That kind of thing is a big deal here. I think its a good thing we have that some kind of solidarity is naturally expected. (I may be wrong about the word solidarity, but it approximately says that, and if i m wrong, then forgive me.. but i think the word is dispensable for the whole paragraph). However, as i have spent 22 years in india, or atleast 14 of them being conscious about the society and observing the society actively, i must say that the overall concept that i m talking about is disappearing somewhat from out society too, but its still there.

\t I have made many friends here in last 2 months, and a remarkable thing about that is the diversity. I have good friends who are from different countries. My roommate is mongolian, i have friends from germany, greece, china, japan, korea, mexico, vietnam, turkey, haiti, iran, spain etc etc. The diversity is amazing. It is so good to interact with people from all these places. Moreover, the language barrier is not a very significant issue here. I mean, language was not a problem while interacting with all these people. Also, there is no such thing as 'mixing in a group well'. There is no group to mix into. There are just people. While this can be a good thing, as in while you go somewhere with people, its usually fun. It has a downside to it. The 'close group' is a rare thing here. I m not saying that it doesnt happen, but its not very common. And morover, you dont have to have anything common with people to "mix" with them. I remember that when we had gone to hollywood, i had met most of them on the same day for the first time, and that dint matter at all. But i miss having a close group of friends to always hang out nevertheless. But then i dont 'have' to hang out with anyone jus becuz i m a part of the group.

\t that was a confusing paragraph up there. Enough about the society now, i m gonna talk about work culture for a short bit and then end the long post. I fear it may be a boring read, so i m gonna cut it short and may be write another one about the small peculiarities about the people here.

On work culture

\t Now, me being a science-guy, work-culture is an important part in my life. So i m gonna spot out the differences in the work cultures here and back in india. I have realized that one of the biggest changes that i have experienced, is the change in the work-culture.

\t the work culture (i was gonna write WC as its abbreviation, but i realized that we use WC to denote toilets in a blueprint, and the work culture here being not so bad as WCs (well, the WCs here are not bad too), i refrain myself from doing that).. so getting back to the point, w-c here promotes independence. There is no micromanagement of your work by anyone else. Your PI (we call them 'guide' in india) does not micromanage, does not interfere in your day-to-day work, and nor does your 'student-guide' (they are not called anything here). In fact, student guide is not really a student guide here and they dont behave like that either. They dont try to control you, or micromange you. This is of course not true in every case possible, but in most of the cases it is. The PI will tell you to do something and give u an approx timeframe for that. How you manage to achieve that is your own business. Its a very good thing for research. It means that you manage your time much better. The students from india here may find it a bit difficult cuz its usually the first taste of independent w-c that you'll get (try that sentence with WC instead !! sorry, couldnt resist). So initially you may get a bit lost, but u recover. When i read my PI's email summarizing our meeting, i said to myself, 'this is the kind of work culture i want to work in'.

let me summarize it for you,

the body of email:

the broad aims for the rotation project as we discussed are (in order of priority):
1....
2....
3....

You are free to come up with any experiments you think of and do them.

Isnt that great !!

Well, with that, i will end this post. I would like people's comments on this. Especially the ones who are in US.

Thank you for bearing with me.

Oh Life

2008-08-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Life is strange.. how it gives highs and lows at the same time..

Today for example,

I was felicitated by the vice chancellor of our university for my achievements. - high point
Our own director mis pronounced my name as 'Amol' and it was so humiliating, especially in front of everyone in IBB and in front of press - low point
I was happy cuz my photo is gonna appear in the papers tomorrow along with two other guys from my class - high point
When i went to make copies of their photos, i made someone wait and she got upset - low point
Everyone at home is very happy and proud of me - high point
I just realized that i m of no importance to a person who i thought was the closest to me - low point
Tomorrow, many people are gonna call me to congratulate and tell me that they are proud of me - high point
The entire thing is ruined for me as i have realized that i m a nobody - low point

How am i supposed to feel, please someone tell me...

i am feeling extremely humiliated and un-important.. the only person i thought who actually cared for me, i know that its not the case anymore.. nobody told me "its alright, such things happen.. dont be humiliated, its jus a mispronunciation.. everyone knew that it was you, your achievements.. dont let your joy be spoiled bcuz of the mistake".. my humiliation means nothing to anyone.. i dont blame them at all.. y shud anyone else care about wot i m feeling? i am the sole master of my feelings...

I am feeling happy too.. i was finally recognized as someone who had achieved something... i am proud of myself... my parents are very proud of me.. I feel that finally i accomplished something..

tell me, what exactly should i feel??

oh life.. please dont make this road a rollercoaster ride... i knw i have to endure good and bad...
but atleast dont leave me confused like i was today...

I will take wotever comes my way with my arms wide open... but if i dont know wot i embrace, that leaves me empty handed nevertheless..

Leavin on a jet plane

2008-07-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

Hello,

i have been away for a very long time.. did'nt feel like writing anything.. u knw.. one of those periods when u dont want to be there, or u wish u were miraculously absent from the world..

Its around 50 days for me to leave india an start a new life in LA. The feeling that i m leaving is sinking in.. i m leaving my beloved ones.

some.. i know i'm gonna come back after a finite time..

some.. i dont know whether i'll be seeing them again in life..

I dont know whether that feeling will be reciprocated or not.. i wish it'd be.. but i know that, some people may be wanting to break those bonds.. it saddens me that i could'nt build stronger bonds.. somewhere along the way, i acted in some way that caused the bonds to get weaker.. I hope i do not make similar mistakes in future..

I am going to miss some of my friends dearly...

I hope life in LA forebodes well for me...

What has happened to the world

2008-02-12T07:58:00.000-08:00

A few situations from recent times:

1) In mumbai, Raj Thakre and MNS members are trying to raise a voice against all non-marathi people (This is an understatement). They are turning this so called 'aandolan' against non-marathi people into some kind of a genocide. They are complaining that non-marathi people are trying to usurp positions of power from marathi people.

2) In a certain lab, a stupid, junior, inexperienced person is getting a higher position than a talented and experience person may be because of internal politics.

3) People in US and other countries complain about people from india, china taking their jobs at call centers.

Is it surprising to find these situations logically absurd?

Are talent, ability, sincerity no longer looked upon as the criteria for selection on a job?

When a person who doesnt deserve something doesnt get it, is violence the only way to act on it?
Why cant someone jus think of it in a different way an say that probably i was not fit to do that job, or i lacked certain abilities required for it and say that i will improve and then try again..

what has happened to this world? or was it that way an i jus realized it?

HIstory Repeats Itself !!

2007-12-27T17:44:00.001-08:00

Hello people,

Perhaps it is an unfortunate coincidence attached with my blogging, or its an indication of the well known fact - history repeats itself.

One year ago, i started blogging and jogging. One of my earliest posts was on Saddam Hussain's trial and hanging. Its been one year since Saddam died. An now, after one year, one more political leader, Benazir Bhutto was killed (27th Dec). And coincidentally i have started jogging again !

When Saddam was hanged, i had commented that 'the unusually rapid trial and conviction may be due to USA's fear of him rebounding back to a position of power in iraq. US didnt want that, and hence the trial'.

Now that Benazir was killed in such a brutal manner with the elections in Pakistan so close, it indeed is very thought provoking. First of all, elections in Pakistan are ..well.. cant find a proper word for it.. so lets say rare. With two of the former leaders Nawaz Sharif and Benazir Bhutto returning to Pakistan with the elections in mind, the killing seems to be a brute force way to eliminate competition. But, is it so?

These are some of my views on the possible motives behind it (Separated by OR):

1) Its a brute force way to eliminate competition, used by Mr Musharraf ?. But the killings really endanger his own public profile. Or is it going to be an opportunity for Mr Mush to postpone the elections indefinitely and declare emergency again? OR lets say by other political leaders, not only Mush. Was this a way to turn the elections into a blood feud?

2) Is there a hidden US motive behind it? Mr Mush has put Pakistan in a much better position with the US with his statesmanship. All the stuff on fighting the war against terror, the no use of nuclear arsenal strategy etc etc have him in good books with US. So does US want to use Mr Mush as its puppet and to maintain him in power, they are ready to kill the opposing leaders?

3) Is it really some terrorist organization who plans to bring anarchy in Pakistan and to gain control, like taliban did in Afganistan. There have been murder attempts at Sharif and Benazir in the recent past, but none on Mr Mush. This seems a bit against this particular view isnt it?

4) Well, couldn't resist putting this point. Is it possible that India had some motive behind it?
In the terms of Sharif and Bhutto, there was a lot of terrorist infiltration secretly supported by Pakistan. During Mush's regime, these apparently had ceased. The indo-pak relations were in a much better position. Is it possible that India was afraid of the possibility of either of Sharif / Bhutto returning to power?

If anyone has comments or any arguments with/against these views they are very much welcome to write. This is a highly interesting point to discuss (Not the unfortunate incident but the cause of it). I am sure that politics analysts all over the world (not politicians !) would be thinking about the incident.

P.S. I have written these views as a part of my own brainstorming process, they may not necessarily have any kind of validity / factual proof.

Local Vs Global Optima

2007-12-18T05:03:00.000-08:00

Statutory warning: This blog is a scientific discussion.

In maths, there is a concept called as optima. I wont define wot it is. there are two types of optima, local and global. They mean literally that.

These concepts are used bery widely in many fields. Lets first discuss some of them before we go to the main topic of the blog.

1) Industry:

Industrialists all over the world are continuously analyzing their performance based on some criteria. The main problem in front of them is whether to achieve a local optima in each of their units, or to achieve a global optima in the whole pipeline as such. The achievement of a local optima is preferred by individual units as they have better performance to report. Whereas the big bosses see the 'big picture'.

2) Protein folding: (correct me if i m wrong)

In the process of protein folding, the protein goes through various free energy points which are local optima points. However the protein is supposed to fold in such a way that the overall free energy is the global optimum. But the protein in reality, in vivo is never at the global optimum, its at one of the local optima.

This brings us to the topic of this blog. Does life also have any such things?
For the sake of discussion, lets call optima as the 'good' state of life.

We all know that there are ups and downs in life. I think that they are like local fluctuations on a timeline. Sometimes we achieve local optimum, sometimes its a 'down' state. This takes us to the fundamental question, which is translated as: "Should one try to achieve the local optima always, or sometime sacrifice the local optima for the global optimum"

I think global optima is the choice (or traditionally its known to be the 'wise' choice). But is it?
On a timescale, global optimum would be at the end of the whole context, which translates to death here.(?)

Moreover, in striving for the global optimum, are we allowing some irreversible damage?

Well, i sorta forgot wot i was thinking (i was on the bike then). But lets discuss another situation.

I am applying to US.. investing more than a lac Rs in the process. Plus there are these other exams an all. So lets take it somewhere around 1.5lac. This is to achieve the global optimum right?.
But if the process fails somehow, the damage created by it is going to be a big blow. So in order to achieve the global optimum, i m putting the local situation in danger. Is that a wise thing to do?

let me ponder over it for some time.. meanwhile, any comments / suggestions are welcome.

2007-11-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Hvnt been online much.. (well atleast on the blogger).. been busy with US applications... SOP, recos, univ shortlistings, transcripts etc etc... dint get much time to write anything.. which brings us to the topic of this post.

See, in the last yr, when i was teaching GRE maths to a girl, i never thought tht i myself wud give GRE an all.. but somehow i went through the pipeline.. (i m not regretting it at all)..
an then when actually i realized tht after all the prepn, (if i get thru), i wud be goin to US for my PhD, it was a different feeling... the same thingn i.e. goin to US for phd.. was different when i casually talked abt it, an now when i m actually preparing for it, its a whole new thing.
A long time ago, in say 7-8th std, i had read a poem, marathi one.. called साग़रास.. by Swatantryaveer sawarkar. i remember the words :

गुण-सुमने मी वेचियली या भावे , कि तिने सुगंधा घ्यावे
जरी उद्धरणी व्यय न तिच्या हो साचा , हा व्यर्थ भार विद्येचा

These are the words which continuously keep coming to my mind. Not that i have already gone an cant return.. but still there is a feeling something like that...

Am i doing the right thing? am i leaving the country, leaving my family, leaving the place where i belong? What is the reason tht i m so much motivated to go to US? is it the same feeling as conveyed by these words (from the same poem)?:

मज वदलासी अन्य देशी चल जाऊ , स्रृष्टिची विविधता पाहू ॥
तंइ जननी ह्रं विरह शंकित हि झाले, परि तुंवा वचन तिज दिधले ॥
मार्गज्ञ स्वये मीच पृष्ठी वाहीन, त्वरितया परत आणीन ॥
विश्वसलो या तव वचनी मी,
जगदनुभव योगे बनुनी मी,
तव अधिक शक्त उद्धरणी मी, ॥

येइन त्वरे कथुन सोडिले तिजला, सागरा प्राण तळमळला, तळमळला सागरा ॥

I am worried that its a similar feeling tht i m experiencing..

dont know wot to do now.. lets see.. will think more abt it..

till then goodbye

-Alok

2007-09-24T01:55:00.000-07:00

Continued from the last post....

Now probably i understand the fox and his sour grapes.. grapes are probably meant to be sour.. or the fox is not meant to eat those grapes, or simply both.
But i cant help thinking that the fox is probably wise.. an sour grapes do seem like the right choice...
The fox was wise, he knew that there is a chance that the grapes are sour, wot about me?
I also knew that .. still i didnt make the choice.. i m a lot less wiser than the fox u can say..

and probably, accepting the fact that the grapes are sour takes bravery..

Sour Grapes

2007-09-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hello,
i m back again after a long time.. had nothing to write..

I remember tht story about the fox who wanted to eat grapes off the vine, but they were too high, so he decides tht he doesnt want those anymore cause they are sour.

I cant help thinking whether my condition is like tht.. say i have two options, one is out of question, (well then y is it an option at all?, but still) and the other one, i dont know whether there is any way if i chose that one..
So i m thinking of both of them as sour grapes... why?

Because it is comforting? probably i m weak enough to not face the facts.. Am i missing out on something? or is it just better that way.

Life somehow becomes a bit easy (in the present) if i chose not to take any one of them.. but is it necessarily better for my future? i cant decide.. so am i better off thinking the grapes are sour? or should i think about the future too?

See, this is an issue where i cant predict the consequences of any of my actions.. and previous experience has taught me that there are grave consequences of the smallest actions.. but if i cant predict the repercussions, which choice to make? or defy both? because even not taking any choice is itself a choice, and that has its own effects...

So if i cant predict, what should i do? i m confused thoroughly..
so currently sour grapes seem attractive!!

The butterfly effect??

2007-06-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

Hello people,

i am back after a long time. this blogging had become redundant for me, an i was losing the effect of that.. so took a break from that.. now i m back..
I have experienced a huge change in life over the past few months, an sure as hell its gonna affect my exams.. adversely.
When i look back at the last semester (being a student, the unit of time for me is a semester), i say to myself, what did i gain and wot did i lose.. well a lot of things both ways..

Lets review the last semester (This is a critical point in the blog, those who want to stop reading, stop right here...)..

It began very well.. i developed new habits of jogging and blogging.. i was reading stuff, books, papers, with a great interest, my thought process was continually running.. then i got my laptop, these reading etc things were even faster and better now.. life seemed well-set.. no hassles, i was sure that i was on the right track..

Then the road became bumpy and bumpier.. dont know why.. may be because i paid too much attention in wots the effect of other people on me.. i should have been detached.. i was in the beginning.. but i got entagled into mess everywhere.. that was my own foolishness.. i paid too much attention to my heart, than my brain.. i did a lot of talking - waste of course... and soon my academics suffered.. i started losing interest in the course work.. i got rejected at several places for summer training and i realized that i m nowhere.. i am a succesful nobody

then just when i thought that the road is getting better, i hit a roadblock.. my life suddenly was turned to black.. that was when the whole delhi trip happened.. i lost all the respect for myself.. an believe me there is nothing worse than that.. it sorta eats you from the inside.. the delhi trip really exposed my flaws, my own weakness.. and the greatest weakness of all was that i allowed myself to be weak..

After the trip, i set my feelings aside, and started afresh.. caught on with my course work.. i was working at a good pace.. and i knew if i stopped, it would take me a long time to get back on my feet.. but was i wary?.. i was.. but i still stopped.. knowing that it would be detrimental.. i still stopped..

when i stopped.. i became the rabbit in the race.. i stopped in the hope of something, i faced rejection there too.. an believe me, that was bad.. i not only became the loser rabbit, but a roasted one... now the song black made sense .. it made all the sense..

I suffered losses everywhere.. my exams were bad.. my mental and physical state worsened.. and my depressions no longer remained times-with-my-own-self ... they were real depressions.. mental and physical.. and they proved to be addictive, once again exposing my weak self.. i never regained the lost respect, instead i lost it further more.. then i wrote the stupid post 'the awakening'.. it turned out to be very prematurely written.. that wasnt my real awakening.. thses things arent like that.. i cant face that much of a change overnight.. it has to be gradual..

But even after that, the road wasnt much worse.. it was better than wot i had before.. but it got better... now its much better.. i am experiencing the real awakening.. i am scientifically more active, indulging in other things than my own stupid thoughts.. did a great summe training.. so i m much more on the track.. so lets say i m better off now..

but i still know that i am goin to experience the consequences of the last semester.. they are gonna be bad.. but i am raedy to face them.. I know the real meaning of the term 'the butterfly effect'..

The awakening

2007-05-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

Exams over!! finally.. well almost over..
lots of stuff has passed by... lots of stuff has gone theu my mind, some of it is still left..
I ask, y do people have feelings if they are not gonna come true one day? wot is a feeling?? specific stoichiometric combination of neurotransmitters firing at specific places? hehe..
No no.. no boring stuff here in this blog..

SO, after the boredom is over, i am all fired up for a change in my daily life.. so new morning comes...

Jus awaking from the slumber... and deep sleep...
Let there be new light !! .. amen

Black

2007-04-07T03:16:00.000-07:00

Hey...oooh...
Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn

Ooh and all I taught her was everything
Ooh I know she gave me all that she wore

And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything

I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by Some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear

Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head I'm spinning
Oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away...

And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures had
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything

All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see
All that I am All I'll be...
Yeah Uh huh...uh huh...ooh...

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a sun In somebody else's sky
But why Why Why can't it be
Why can't it be mine (not sure?)

This is a song called Black by Pearl Jam which i hv been listenin to pretty frequently for some days...

Purpose of life

2007-04-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

Why do we live in the particular way? what is it that we live for? what is the PURPOSE of what we do?? what is the purpose of life??

As quoted by Agent Smith, the purpose of life is to END.. but i dont agree.... if life was supposed to end an only end, why was it created in the first place? that cant be the purpose of life, the meaning of life itself is contradictory to its purpose.. so to end cant be the purpose of life... if its purpose is to end, it doesnt have a purpose....

But then, if ending is not connected with the purpose of life, why is it so crucial that a life has to end, it absolutely has to.. if to end is not its purpose, why does a life end at all?

i think the purpose of life is to exist.. to exist, to survive... and to survive for what??
the answer is Self-Respect.. weird?? wrong?? confusing?? maybe true?? absolutely bullshit?? makes some sense??

But yeah, i think we live for self respect.. atleast i do... i wont do anything that wud hurt my self respect.. i shudnt be made to look down upon myself... i shudnt feel that i m letting myself down.. i shudnt do anything that makes me fall in my own sight... thats wot i live for...

i live to preserve my self respect.. i agree i have done stuff b4 which contradicted all this... but i now know wot my purpose of existence is... and i will try to live up to that purpose.. to preserve my self respect...

But then i ask... 'The purposeof life is to preserve self respect' sounds fancy.. we are humans, we have a conscious acknowledgement of self respect.. do the lower organisms have smtn like that?.. they dont have a capacity to acknowledge smtn as self respect... but then they way they live is itself their self respect.. i have heard somewhere that tigers never eat animals which are not killed by them.. is it not a form of self respect?? nature has given them that way.. u may think its stupid an there must be a scientific reason behind that... but thats wot i think...

so finally i have reached a conclusion in a blog.. (desnt happen much).. but i have quoted here:

'The purpose of life is to exist and exist in such a way so as to preserve the self respect'

One day, this wud be cited somewhere as thoughts of great ppl... ;).. an i wud proudly give lectures on this.. (goin off too high am i??)..

anyways think about it... whoever reads this, i wud like comments...

confusion and chaos

2007-04-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

This is about confusion... i m a very confused human being... even in simple things i get confused... i am emotionally confused most of the times, so i feel wot i want to feel... i am confused about the future, about my future of course... but then i still manage to find some sense out of it... i see sense in it when many people still think that its confusing...

i am confused but i am never chaotic... i do things systematically at times... i can be very organized at times... but at the core, i am confused... but not chaotic...

i never knew the true meaning of chaos... i still dont know it... i think it has smtn to do with finding some kind of regularity in very random things... now if u ask, how can there be a regularity if its chaotic?.. but i really dont know the meaning.. i jus looked it up... it says the chaotic system appears random due to its sensitivity to initial conditions, ansd some exponential relationship an blah blah blah.. its smtn like, it is always deterministic, but it always appears random....

but then i guess i m chaotic... (see... i m confused..).. cuz even tho i appear confused, random, i m not...
so again a confusing blog i have written.. but try to see some sense in it... cuz there is... an if u find out, tell me also, so i wud know ;)

पाउस

2007-04-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

मला आज पाउस पडावा असं वाटत आहे
पाउस... खूप दिवसांनी पडेल असं वाटत आहे... पाउस पडून सगलं धुतलं जावं ... सर्व साफ व्हावं असं वाटते...
the hindi typing on this is too slow... so i will write in english.. i want the rain... i want the rain to wash down everything... wash the past off... let me start a new future... new beginning... but how many times have i wanted this.. everytym something happens to my mood, i cant ask for a new beginning... blues come and go.. i cant ask for the rain everytime... i have to know how to survive without raining... why should i need the rain to wash off my past.. no, i do not need the rain for that, i m able to do it myself, thank you.. thanks for the rain, but no thanks...

and instead of wasting my time writing stupid stuff in blog, i will rather study now, i have a shit load of work, i havent studied at all this sem, so goodbye... will study now..

The inner self

2007-03-31T04:21:00.000-07:00

Who is the real me?? am i jus my so called inner self putting up a facade by the name of alok? or am i really a person with two layers of existence?

i will elaborate a bit more about the two layers thing.. long ago when we were doing some experiments with planchetting (i hope u know wot tht is .. talkin to dead spirits etc etc.) i had thought of the two layers an tried to describe y we see stuff in it. The human psyche consists of the conscious and the subconscious... while they cant really be separated, a human being can live with multiple personas in the conscious layer (we call them politicians !! nono, wot i mean is people can put up facades .. but thats not really different personas in a conscious state.. its a deliberated thing.. but i still think a person can live mutiple personas at a conscious level... i think i m confused by now!!) .. but as i was saying, there are two layers of a mind, conscious and subconscious... most of the times, the subconscious is guiding the conscious, telling it wot to do... most of the times... the subconscious is a far more powerful thing than the conscious, an with far less malice... however, it is also beyond the control of the conscious, most of the times... subconscious is wot reaches the nearest to wot is called the soul of a person...

thats my two layers... but then it doesnt define my soul right? soul is something at the core of all this... its the 'atma' .. they say its indestructible...

"nainam cchindanti shastrani, nainam dahati pavakaha,
na chainam kledayantyapo, na shoshayati marutaha."

thts a sanskrit shloka saying that it cannot be cleaved by a weapon, cannot be burned by fire, cannot be soaked by water, cannot be sucked away by wind.. such is the nature of a human soul...it has the ultimate control over everything, eveything wot a person does....but then is it that bad persons, (i mean it as a generic term) have bad souls?? but why would be bad souls produced in the first place??
i believe that no soul is bad.. rather a soul is neither good nor bad, we cant judge it that way... the 'bad' character is in fact generated by defying the ultimate control of the soul.. it begins with defying the control of teh subconscious.. then we graduate to a biased and 'baddened' subconscious... then the ultimate achievment is the throwing off of the control of the soul over wot we do... so, bad people are the real achievers in defeating the soul !!!

but however you try to cheat the soul, it would silently watch and laugh.. because at the end, it decides your fate ryt?? .. all this makes me feel that a human mind, or the human existence is marked by THREE layers.. the conscious, the subconscious, and the soul !!...

i hope by now i have confused you enough.. so think about it... on the conscious level, cuz i alreadu know that on a subconscious level u r already thinkin about it.. ;)

I am because i think

2007-03-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

What is thinking? its the most complicated physiological process ever. can lower organisms think? they can judge the circumstances and react .. but is it thinkin? if i react to a hot object (object), is that thinking? i guess not.. But then wot is thinking... i think wot lower organisms do is to percieve, not really think.. its a reflex which is formed due to completion of a circuit inside their brains (or neural ganglia as my sister tells me).. so its not thinking..

We are special beacuse we think !.. if u see, we also have networks of neurons an stuff like tht... may be our networks are more complicated... but they still are a physical phenomenon.. and thinking is a consequence of a higher complexity of neural networks.. but then wot makes humans think and not say chimpanzees?? their networks are somewhat lesser complex than ours.. but are they that less complex?? to make humans so unpredictable and them so predictable?? wot is it that really makes us think?? a few thousands of neurons?? then if that is possible, why do we have a choice at all to think or not to think.. monkeys dont have a choice... we do.. y??

A little something

2007-03-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

This is from the book 'the virtue of selfishness' by Ayn Rand

"Nothing is given to man on earth except a potential and the material on which to actualize it. The potential is a superlative machine, his consciousness; but it is a machine without a spark plug, a machine of which his own will has to be the spark plug, the self starter and the driver. He has to discover how to use it and he has to keep it in constant action. The material is the whole of the universe, with no limits set ti the knowledge he can acquire and to the enjoyment of life he can achieve. But everything he needs or desires has to be learned, discovered and produced by him, by his own choice, by his own effort; by his own mind"

Reason for the name

2007-03-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

HeLLBouND but still divine!
Why this name? people have their own nicks.. this used to be my original CS nick, an it still is (Though, my current one is Phantom)
Theres smtn abt this nick tht describes smtn abt me i think..
donno wot tht is.. but theres smtn..
lets see if i can find out..
but i was so fascinated abt this invention of mine.. there has to be something.. let me think over it for a few days an get back to u..
bye

I feel good

2007-03-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

Finally after many days i feel good..
i m over a lot of things , having a great chat with a friend.. an i feel great..
i feel re-energized, motivated..

no more stagnant.. no more lonely.. no more dark... but i feel good..

Delhi Trip!!

2007-03-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

i had gone for a conference in Delhi last week, an the trip turned out to be pretty boring. Instead of getting a nice break from the boring routine, it was almost a disaster. I knew i shud hv gone for maiden concert!!

But, i learned a few things, a lot of things.

1) i never knew tht i wud became a victim of herd mentality. tht turned out to be a huge mistake. Instead of standing along somebody i care abt, i chose to be in a group. A group that i didnt want to be with in the first place. I chose that because, if i hadnt, i wud have been alone. But for a little thing like that, i let down somebody of a great importance to me. someone who knew that i wud stand along with her. I am very very sorry for doing tht.

2) i came to know about the true nature of a lot of people. And, after that, the list of people i trust has been shortened. i have started trustin people less and less. I now know who talks behind somebody's back, and who doesnt. I know about fake egos, and true egos.

Anywyas, it turned out to be an eventful trip... an it wud be recorded as a sad memory in my hard disk..

Bye

My attempts at poetry

2007-03-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

This is supposed to be a tale of a brave warrior, who fights a valiant battle, eager to go home. But when he reaches home, he finds that everything that belonged to him is destroyed.

Standing in the battlefield,
(with) a long sword and a brnze shield,
he thought,
oh death! i shall defy you, if you seek me,
for i have to go home, home to my lovely bride
i shall keep leving for her,
i shall fight you, if you may come

with this thought, he battled on,
cutting through the enemy, putting fear into their minds,....

to be continued..

(It sounds like a desperate attempt at rhyming words)

Depression is addictive, they say

2007-03-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

I have heard somebody say this, or read it somewhere that depression is addictive.
An from my experience, it is.

Why should depression be addictive? it is supposed to be bad, right? wot does a human being gain by being depressed?? as far as i know, no physical soothing, or no comfort, nor physical nor mental. It doesnt offer even a moment's relief, like say cigarette, or a drink (Not that i have experienced these). So, wot does depression have in it that makes it so addictive??

And as usual, i started a wild journey of random thoughts, an it struck me.

When u r depressed, u tend to be alone, lonely (atleast i do).. u try to avoid human contact, especially if the people around you are ready to judge you, or comment unnecessarily, or plain irritating. An by doing so, (called as being depressed), you are actually giving yourself time. This is a much needed thing, an which has become a bit rare nowadays. And because we are relieved by giving ourselves time, we tend to repeat that. Sorta like, we try to be in the company we like... Depression becomes addictive when we like our own company, and according to me it is completely justified (not tht i need to). But i think being depressed has nothing to do with being happy. I can be happy and depressed (the classical definition) at the same time, most of the times i am that way.

Especially chai, and nobody to talk to is like a bliss in the current times. it gives me time to reflect upon things i hv done, to think about a days events. To think!

bye

Raindrops keep falling on my head

2007-03-07T09:21:00.000-08:00

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

-Song by B J Thomas

So simple, yet so hard!

CS!

2007-02-24T23:56:00.001-08:00

CS .. dont know wots in the game which jus urges me to keep playing... every game is a new episode... i think it is the morbid, cruel nature of the game which is so binding.. u jus tend to stick ryt in front of the comp an shoot good or bad guys... jus plain shooting... nice way to take anger out...
like yesterday, we played CS from 7 in the evenin till 430 in the morning, with breaks needed for physical stress... may be its jus the plain lack of emotion while playing the game that makes it so fascinating..

HeLLBouND !!!!!!!

Stagnant

2007-02-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

Stagnant !! one word, one state... converts the great force of clear, flowing water into a useless entity with things growing, things creeping all over... Stagnation just wastes the water.... its water without a purpose... well, the purpose it serves is to support other things growing in it.. it may be helping others, but it loses its capacity to be clear, to be 'nirmal'.. to flow, to produce the same magic..

Stagnant mind also loses its ability to think , to think clearly.. it doesnt have the brazenness of flowing water.. it lacks the sheer brilliance... the creativity of a stagnant mind is only like stagnant water, helping the weeds to grow.... 'empty mind is a devil's workshop' .. so true... so true... an empty or a stagnant mind loses the human spirit of purity..

Right now thts what my mind has become... STAGNANT... i can see the weeds growing, i can see the things creeping in the deep.. i cant see the bottom.. i have lost the purity.. But it shall come back... the only way to clear the stagnation of pond, is to let teh water flow... the water has to be out of pond... (I have to be out of my mind??).. but thats exactly what i need.. i need to be out of my mind!...

in loving memory

2007-02-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly
I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you´re always there for me
You´re always home waiting
And now I come home and I miss your face oh
Smiling down on meI close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me!!

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
You were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you´re always there for me
You´re always home waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
Feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad He set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you'll be with me still
All you did you did with feeling
And you always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will!

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

this is a song called 'in loving memory' by alter bridge

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2007-02-08T06:47:00.000-08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I am angry.. very angry at the moment.. Angry at the whole world... angry at people trying to tell me wot to do.. angry at being judged by people, who are inferior... angry because of the compromises... angry of the way things are goin.. angry at every damned thing.. jus plain ANGRY... FUCKIN ANGRY

Game of life and love

2007-01-31T07:52:00.000-08:00

Life is a game!! sounds very philosphical doesnt it?? may be this sentence is so overly used, that it has lost its true meaning.
But, i recently refreshed my knowledge on game theory, an then as usual started thinking, whoever said this sentence must hv been a genius or drunk or both!!

In a pure game theory view, life IS a game, there are decisions to make, there are payoffs, lessons to be learnt, there are strategies to plan. But game theory can not explain the variation due to one factor "Human psyche", which is so wonderfully weird, so strange at times, so predictable sometimes. But no ones ever been able to explain it. The people who tried to explain human psyche met failure at the most gigantic hurdle we can say, that is LOVE!!

Is love really that hard to explain philosophically?? Pure love should not be difficult to explain at all, it pure illogic, pure tendency of doing things for one cause, pure madness, its not unpredictable...
However, a feeling which is not pure love, (it may be close to it) is much more difficult to explain.

In pure love, there is only one 'strategy'... that is to think about maximizing the other '"player's" payoffs... however, people lose in pure love, because its not an ESS !!!!!!!..

This is the most anti-romantic things anybody has said so far i guess... Hope my future girlfriend doesnt read this !!

Bye for now,, but i'll be back

Zinda

2007-01-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

It was a silent, lonely evening, i was sittin of the sofa reading stephen king, worrying about a million things. A whole lotta thoughts creating a whirlpool in my mind. I was merely skimmin the surface, but then i got more an more into it, an soon the stephen king book was forgotten.
I started thinking, y do i call myself a human being?? wot is there in me which is not there in a teacup, in a computer, or even in the robot sunny from "I, robot". As i was thinking, my confusion increased like anything, an it was a mess. Then i thought, i hv got better things to worry about, an started listenin to songs instead (Absurd flow of thoughts i think). An miraculously the first song i heard was Yeh hai meri kahani by strings. An as i went along the song, it turned out to clear my confusion somewot.

"Chubhte kaante yaadonke, daaman se chunta hun,
girti diwaaronke aanchal me zinda hun."

"Ek yaar hai dil ki dhadkan,
apne chahaat ka eilaan kiye jaati hai,
zindagi hai jo jiye jaati hai,
khoon ke ghoont piye jaati hai,
kaanto se khwab siye jaati hai"

Its not the fact that we can survive in any kind of conditions, it not the perseverence, its not the desire to live that makes us humans. It is not why we live in such conditions, it is how we live which makes us humans. We can make those conditions make us survive, where simply defying them is the road. Its not the ability to survive when theres a ray of hope, its the ability that, we can defy the ray of hope, and manufacture our own light to guide us.

Me thinks this is weird, but thts wot i thought.

Saddamned!!!

2006-12-31T19:36:00.000-08:00

On the eve of a new year, we saw a sad demise of a ruler, tried in the most unjustifiable way. Saddam Hussain was tried by a US court, an hanged till death. He may have been a ruthless ruler, a dictator, but still he was the ruler of the country for many years, a true patriot. The fact that he was sentenced to death, saddens me. It appears as if the world is no longer a free place to live. Afterall, he was a political figure, a person who cud have changed the world map as we know it. He deserves a certain amount of respect. Ruling an extremist country like Iraq for so many years is by no means a small feat. He deserves some respect for that. Death sentence in such a short term has exposed the fear of the americans (Mr. Bush).

For all we know, next time when the democrats will come into power in the US, Mr. Bush is eligible for death sentence for killing thousands of people all over the world!! but wud he be tried by an afgani or iraqi court??

So, the death of Saddam is a great day of loss for the worlds politics, and a so called free world!!

New Year's

2006-12-31T19:08:00.000-08:00

Hello people,
This is something i have started as a new year's resolution. I hope this wont be the same as my other resolutions which last about 3 days.
When i come to think about it, why do we celebrate new years eve? 31st December is just another day. Why should it be any different than 30th Dec or 1st Jan. Its just a step in the calender, start of a new page. For that matter, even our birthdays shouldnt be any different , any special. Then why do we have a need to celebrate these days??
I guess the answer lies in the mother of every deed that a human being does; "Motivation". There is a great need of motivation for us because we r made to be lazy. And days like new years, or birthday, provide opportunities for us to get motivated by ourselves. I mean, there is no 26th Feb's resolution, right? Its jus something which proves that we r still humans.

So, being a human myself, i start this as my new years resolution (or 1st Jan resolution!), i hope this continues, along with sdaily jogging and studying (!!!!!!!!!).

Good bye, seeya.